Stop Being Nice Unless You're Going To Kiss Me

The holidays are over!

What did I do?

I spent a lot of time with Blake. Which is weird, right?
I thought maybe he liked me but the last couple of days, he's been acting strange towards me. So, I guess not.

The day before Christmas, we hung out.
On Christmas Eve, we went to get his CSS (or is it CCS??) Skater shit from UPS. He got his hand caught in the door and we ate at Red Lobster (mmmmm).
Then on Christmas, we hung out again with Jocelyn.
He wanted to go to Hollister the next day, so we went.
He texts me almost every day. Usually in the mornings.  

I mean....we've spent a lot of fuckin time together...he's told me a bunch of random stuff....like....I don't know if he likes me. But if phrases like:

"I'm done with hoes. I want a relationship that means something that isn't based just on sex. I think my last relationship was based on orgasms."

"I'm changing. I'm starting to think. Some of the stuff I've done is stupid..."

"I kinda want a girlfriend..."

"Look, I care about your opinions and thoughts."

....all those phrases mean something, right? In my direction? Or am I just being dumb?


I'm probably just being dumb.
Grr.


Yeah.
Dumb.



ON ANOTHER NOTE:
I have bronchitis. :( <----sad face
I can't keep from coughing, my face is breaking out, I've thrown up a gazillion times, work sucks and I can't smoke for 2 weeks.

Suckage.

There's A Lot of Things I Want, But All I'm Getting Is Old...

Holidays and parties and fun and losing weight...
"Wait...what? Did she just say 'losing weight'?"
Why yes, yes I did.
It's a tradition now, apparently. I can only lose weight during the holidays when I eat the most. Bullshit, right?


I went to my Dixie Cafe Christmas party last night. It was pretty much bogus.
Blake said he wasn't gonna show up, but he did.
He offered to let me come over and smoke with him before the party, which was very nice.
He's been being very nice to me lately.
He even told me that he's doing it on purpose.
Ha. So I'm not sure what to do with him because he says a lot of stuff, but I can't tell if he likes me or if I'm just overanalyzing everything out of porportion.

We went to Kristyn's afterwards though for a party and it was fun. Blake drank too much and started throwing up towards the end though, and I had to take him home. He's been texting me all day today about it.

God, I really like him.

What a pedophile, I am.

Oh well...it's not like I don't break the law everyday anyway....




P.S.
I got my ass groped by a 50 year old woman last night.
And by gosh damn...she did a better job than most men.
Weird or pathetic (on behalf of the men, at least)?


Yeah...weird.

I'm Letting Go Of My Anchors So That I Can Sail...

My head is alive.
For once.

I don't feel as depressed as I used to. Things are looking up.

For starters, I told Eric to fuck off basically.

Hold the applause.

I asked to come over and he asked if I had weed. Of course, when I said not enough, he decided I wasn't ENOUGH either. So I said, "I have to say this. I don't care if it's impulsive or if you decide to respond or not, but you treat me like shit. And maybe I allowed most of it. But it still sucks."
Guess what?
No reply.
That's how insecure assholes act when they get text messages that call them out on their bullshit.
He uses me.
And I'm better than that.
I deserve to be happy.
And even if he did decide to love me for everything I am; I would never trust him.

I think hanging out with Blake made me do it. Being with Blake shows me that I can be around a guy, be myself and have someone genuinely like me for me and my ideas.
Not for my boobs.

I needed to grow up and learn to let things go.

And yeah, the first few days sucked. Even now, I wanna grab my phone and see how Eric is doing. But another BIG part of me feels liberated that I stood up for myself and I'm pretty confident I can hold out on messaging him. If he wants me; he's got my number. I shouldn't have to chase a 28 year old man. He should realize how lucky he is to have me, and chase me.

But he won't catch me.
So.
Fuck him.

Blake and I aren't together. Maybe never will be. But he is not moving to Florida.
We're getting better at being friends and even though he's still flirting (playing his guitar for me, making lewd comments, trying to buy me food), I feel at peace around him.
I think I'm falling in love.
And this time I know it's real because it's slow and it feels good.
I feel happy. Alive. Content. Satisfied.
But at the same time I feel excited, frustrated and overly dramatic about it. Ha.
He makes me feel like I'm 16 again and no one tried to take advantage of me.

I just needed to realize that not all guys are using you.
Not all guys will kick you out of their house after they got what they wanted.
Some guys just like being around you because they like you for you.
And some guys will pay for their own food and weed instead of making you spend YOUR hard earned money on it.
Not all guys want to get you naked.
Hrm.....Well maybe they do. BUT...not all guys will lie to you and pretend to be another person JUST to sleep with you.
If you respect yourself, others with respect you too. And that's what I needed to do. Because I was NOT respecting myself at all.  I was throwing myself at whatever would take me because I didn't wanna feel alone.

And I've learned that you DO have to love yourself before others.
To be more specific, you've got to be able to see your faults, failures, highs and accomplishments, face them, accept them and still love yourself for everything you are and have done.
Because if you can't deal with who you are, then who you're presenting to others is a lie. It's fake. It's who you THINK you are and not who you REALLY are.

So guess what?
I get addicted to things easily. Like love. Weed. And mexican food.
I'm a bitch.
I like to start arguments just because I hate the silent sound of boredom.
I leave my clothes on the floor for months because I'm too lazy to put them on a hanger.
I'm a hypocrite sometimes and I cuss like a sailor.
And on the upside, I'm a good-hearted person.
I'm loyal and trustworthy.
I'm honest, even if it's brutal.
I have a super creative mind and a beautiful voice.

It's all me. And it's all good.
One day, I hope someone will seek this out and appreciate it.
And when they decide to; I'll be ready.
With guns a blazin'. ;P


So have a great week, readers. You deserve it.

I Loved You Then And I Love You Now

Things that have happened this last week?

Last Monday:
Car didn't start.
Took mom's van.
Picked up Jocelyn and Blake.
Went to Mitchell's.
O.o
Got stoned.
Drew pictures on his "living room" wall with highlighters while the blacklight was on. My picture of choice? A penis, of course. Teeheehee.
Tried a water bong.
Decided not to try a water bong again after seeing Blake inhale a shit ton of water and after tasting the most disgusting hit ever.
Called Kum n' Go (A gas station, not a porn shop) for fried chicken while high.
Went to Kum n' Go.
Saw cops.
Decided fried chicken wasn't all that important.
Drove around in the rain in a minivan completely baked until going home.

The rest of the week was a blur. Mostly involving Blake and/or Jocelyn and/or alcohol/weed.

I worked on Thanksgiving. It was so lame. 
Kristyn had a party planned for that night, and I had plans to go.
And I did.
So I bought some vodka for my friends, picked up Rodney and Blake and went.

It started off good.
A couple of shots.
A few passes of the joint.
I started being loud and shouty.
I remember telling Jocelyn that she needed to stay a virgin.

Then the night went bad.
I started throwing up every 20 minutes almost.
Luckily, I made it to the bathroom every time.
Even when Kristyn was using the actual toliet, she held my hair back while I puked in her bathtub while saying, "Do you need bread? I think bread fixes everything..."
After puking, I went in the living room and passed out on the floor ala superman style.
Jocelyn, of course, started kicking me and trying to get me to "lick Blake's asshole" because "it tastes like Strawberry Cake".

Whatever.

I drove home. Even though I shouldn't have.
And I regretted drinking.
Probably won't be doing that again.

The next day, I went to Blake's and hung out with him for a bit.

Then Saturday night, I went to Eric's. :)
So stupid, I know.
I tried to blow him off.
I told him I picked Blake over him to hang out with.
And he STILL wanted me to come over.
So I did.
And he let me stay the night this time. AGAIN.
He NEVER lets me stay. He always kicks me out.
But this time he let me stay the whole night, undisturbed.
And whenever I said I had to leave, he checked his phone to make sure we didn't have extra time.

So, I'm not getting my hopes up or anything, but I'm hoping that these are maybe prospecting signs for the future of this very unhealthy, staggering relationship.
And if it's not a good sign, maybe all this hanging with Blake stuff will pay off.

But he is a kid. And I know he wants to explore. So I know the chances of that are dismal.

Blah.

On another hand, I learned that Olay ProX Professional sucks balls.
I've been on Proactive/BareMinerals since I was 13. But that's expensive products for a waitress in Arkansas, so I decided to try other things.
I thought, for the first two weeks, that Olay would pay off because it was cleaning out my blackheads and smoothing my skin out. However, it never cleared my skin and actually caused it to break out more. I don't know if it's the skin care regimen or the Revlon makeup. I'm switching both though. I decided to try AcneFree Severe because it has benzoyl peroxide like Proactive and I know that Proactive at least worked at managing my acne even if it didn't clear me 100%. And I'm thinking about picking up some Smashbox foundation tomorrow since I'm saving money on my skin care regime (I went from $60/month to $22/month :D).

I always get super excited about makeup/body products/skin care products.
I could spend $1,000 on the crap.
The other girls can have their shoes. I want their makeup.


Oh, P.S., Eric mentioned moving to Oregon maybe. It bums me out.
I need to learn to get unattached so that I won't miss him.
He backtracked Saturday a little and said it was a 50% chance of him going.
But that's still 50% more than I like.
Hopefully, he doesn't go.

Maybe.

Maybe that'd be the only way for me to get over him though.
For him to leave.

Hm.

You're Not Half The Man Your Mama Is...

"You have to love yourself before you can love someone else."

Is this true?

I feel like it isn't.
I know a lot of people who hate themselves that are in relationships.

But if it IS true....I'm screwed.

I like myself alright.
But I know I'm overly sarcastic.
Three times this week, alone, I've been asked why I'm so "mean" all the time.

And really...I don't know.
I never tell people how good they are at things or how much I like spending time with them.
It's easier to just make snide comments and keep things on a shallow level.
I don't have to get to know someone, get attached and develop relationships.
And I'm pretty sure this is why every relationship I'm in turns to sex.
I'm terrified to sing in front of someone I'm crushing on because I feel like they'll judge me negatively, but I'm 100% fine with discussing how much porn I watch.
That's horrible.

Everytime I feel myself getting too close to someone in a relationship, my mind automatically goes to sex. I start sending racy messages and boob shots. And it's ridiculous that I do this, because I'm NOT going to have sex with the guy. I just like being a tease, I guess.

Maybe I should start loving myself.
Start doing some inner soul searching.
Stop being so mean all the time and tell someone how much they mean to me.
Because saying, "Hey, I really like spending time with you," means way more than, "Well...it was fun hanging with you...even though we did nothing...and it was boring...and I'm glad to leave. :D <---sarcastic smile"
I'll stop making sexual jokes and whenever I feel that tug on my heartstrings, I'll own up to the emotions I'm feeling and not try to discuss surface meaningless physical things.

I'll try working on and doing this, and maybe I'll find someone that's worthy of me.
Someone that doesn't just see me as a friend.
Someone that values me as a person.
Someone that finds my thoughts interesting.
Someone that knows what I'm saying before I say it because he's thinking the same thing.
Someone that knows what I'm laughing about because he's laughing at the same thing too.
Someone that makes me happy and makes me think about them every day.

I want that.



And if I can't have that, then the world can keep it's fucking "monogamy" because I'll be starting a puppy farm.

It is strange how we hold on to the pieces of the past while we wait for our futures...

I hate guys.
How they play girls against each other.
Ridiculous.

Anyway.

My mom found my pot.
I leave it in this old purse thinking that it's portable plus no one cares enough to look in it.
Well, I decided to smoke a bit before work while I was curling my hair to pass the time. I left my purse in the bathroom floor after I got done, and thought, "I need to get that when I leave."

But I didn't.

Next thing I know I'm at work and my phone goes off and there's a message from my mom saying, "I found your purse, or what I thought was your purse...NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU DO!!!"

So I feel sick. And I go home thinking I'm gonna get kicked out because it's a total disrespect of the rules.
But she doesn't even talk to me.
And when she does it's only to say that she's dissappointed and that she'll kick me out if she finds it again.

So that sucks.

She doesn't want my dad to know. She thinks it'll ruin his delusions that I'm a perfect girl. I'd rather tell him though. It's better than having him hug me and call me his "little girl" while seeing my mom roll her eyes in the background.

So she's been a jerk to me because of that. I don't blame her, but still.

On another note, Sundays at DickSuck Cafe are horrible.
Always a bunch of snotty christian people who just came from church complaining because they have to WAIT for a table. Maybe if you didn't come in with 20 people, you'd have an easier time.

But I work with this girl named Taylor.
Everyone hates her really.
She's 16 and she's immature.
All she does is complain because she's sick, she sits around and then rambles about random guys that she dates for 2 weeks and that means it's "love".
She likes to boss me around.
Taylor: *smiling at guests* "How many do you have? 5? Courtney, go sit Caleb." *thrusts menus in my face* "Oh, and wipe that table down when you come back."

*smack*

So annoying.

After going through 3 hours of that torture, I decide to swing by WalMart and get my birth control. People are parked in the fire zone by the door and it's crowded, so I think, "with the 30 seconds I'm going to be in there, I might as well just park here in this handicapped spot and run in and run out."

As I'm walking in, some big fat ghetto lady and her friend stop me.
Lady: "Where is your sticker?"
Me: *walking and ignoring*
Lady: "Excuse me, where is your sticker for that spot? Are you disabled? What if someone disabled wanted to park there?"
Me: "I'm just running into the pharmacy for 30 seconds. There's other parking spots." *walks away*
Lady: "Sometimes I wish I were a cop....You want me to call the cops??!! Do you want me to wait out here by your car while I call the cops??"
Me: *still walking away* "Do it."
Lady: *thinking I work there because Dixie Cafe's uniform is the same as WalMart's* "...I don't care if she works here....I'll still call the cops."

Why did she care sooo much?
First of all, half of my family is on disability. I know the rules. And honestly, most people on disability CAN walk farther than a handicapped parking spot.
Second of all, It took me two minutes to walk in. So why is it okay for people to park in the FIRE zone and wait for people to walk in and walk out, but it's NOT okay for someone to momentarily park in a handicap zone just to run in and run out? Aren't they both illegal? So why wasn't she harrassing them?
Third of all, what went wrong in her life that she had to follow me around yelling at me about something that was none of her concern.

Made me so mad.
I wanted to just turn around and say, "Lady, I don't know if you went to church this morning or not, but you need to stop being a bitch. And don't worry about being a cop. You couldn't fit in the uniform, you fatass cracked out bitch."

But I didn't.
I was a good girl.
:)

Then, today, I log onto Facebook and I see Eric has got this Kalie girl everywhere. They're hanging out watching porn and painting pictures and quoting each other and liking each other's status'. And even though I shouldn't be jealous because he's an asshole and I'm trying to stay away, I totally am still jealous.
It sucks.
I hate that I care.
For real.


But.
I guess that's it.
So.
Take care.

My God, You Tempt My Anxious Mind...

"1957" by Milo Greene...listen to it and love it.

So here I am.
Again.
Staring at this computer screen with so much to say and no way to say it.

I always feel like this. Trapped. Everything that I want to say, I surpress and keep quiet.
And I hate it.
I hate that I can't tell people what I want to say because I feel like I'll annoy them, chase them away or make them dislike me.

Actually, now that I'm on the subject (and because I'm afraid of another rambling blog with no valuable content), I'll write the top things I'd like to say to a few people.

So, it's like venting, but it's also safe. And maybe if it's good enough; I'll say it to their face.


Person of Interest Numbero Uno:
I'm not stupid. I know when you use me. I know when you lie to me. You think you're clever. I don't know if you think this because of your narcisisstic character flaw or since you're older than me, you think you have the upper hand.
Neither really matters.
You don't take me seriously. You don't see me as an equal. You don't respect me or take my feelings into question.
I changed myself to be what I thought you wanted me to be and then you didn't want it.
Now I don't know who I am anymore. I can't tell if I'm being myself or if I'm being you.
As long as you're happy, that's all that matters.
And you think that I'm dumb enough to fall for your lies and let you kiss me...but I know you're lying...and I know I'm dumb too, because I still kiss you.
I fell in a sort of love with you years ago, and those immature feelings still linger.
I hate it. I hate that I still feel attached to you whenever you forget me before I even arrive.
I'm afraid that you'll forget me forever and you'll never speak to me again.
But I don't know why. I don't know what I'm holding out for.
For you to love me?
No, because I know you never could. And even if by some cosmic chance you decided too; you'd fail me by cheating or by pushing me away.
For friendship?
No, because I can't trust you and you don't care about me.
So what?
I'm holding onto nothing, just hoping that the final damage isn't that bad.
I'll continue to talk to you, but I don't know why or if I even should.
I'm sorry that I'm not what you wanted in a girl.
I'm sorry that I let you kiss me.
I'm sorry that I wasted emotion-filled kisses on you.
I'm sorry that you were on my mind for 3 years straight, almost on a daily basis.
I'm sorry that you hate yourself.
Because even though you're an asshole, you still deserve love.
But since you believe in karma, I'm hoping that when you do fall in love, she treats you the way you treated me.


Person of Interest Numbero 2!:
I like you.
Every time we're in a room together, I wanna be as close to you as I can get.
I've imagined kissing you a thousand times.
I'm afraid that I'm not pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough for you.
I'm afraid that by saying how I feel, we'll ruin our friendship.
And even though it's not been that long of one; I still don't wanna lose it.
It's been a really long time since I've felt like myself around a guy. I can say anything to you and not feel judged.
I hope that our relationship will continue to bloom.
Even if it is slow.
I can deal with slow torture just as long as I get you in the end. ;)

Person of Interest Numbah Tree:
I know I've disappointed you.
I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can say.
But my flaws aren't a reflection of you.
They're a reflection of my humanity.
I'm an adult now and I can make my own mistakes and decisions.
You're worried that I'm making the wrong ones, and sometimes I feel like I am too.
Please forgive me for who I am today.
I'll try to make it up to you tomorrow.

Person of Interest Number F-F-F-ourrrrr:
I'm jealous of you.
Completely.
You're my best friend.
Everyone loves you. Everyone invites you to parties, asks where you're at, asks about your life and smiles when they see you.
I feel like a copycat of you even though I'm not.
We're so alike that it's hard for me to be myself. I don't want others who knew you before me to think that I'm trying to be something I'm not.
You're beautiful and you have an amazing heart.
I admire your strength in character and that you smile so brightly even though you've lost so much.



Well, that's all I got for right now.
I'll add later if I can think of anything else.


So...quick life update....
Been working a lot...well, not a lot actually. I've been giving shifts away. But that's stupid because I need the money. Lazy, yes?
Blake hit on me alllll night on Halloween when I wore my police outfit.
But he's been kinda stand-offish since then. I don't know if he's trying to push me away or if I'm just reading too much into it.
I'm going to assume the latter, because I do it with everything.
I'll just chill and take my time on that.

Wish me luck! :)
Court

Some Boys Don't Know How To Love

Ain't it the truth, eh?
ha.

So I'm less depressed. Kinda cool. I'm not sure if it's the pot or the life. But whatever it is, it's working. :)

I've been hanging out with Blake lately.
He's 17.
I'm 21.
I'm sorry.

He really makes me feel giddy though. Like I'm 16 again and my heart was never broken. I just wanna be near him all the time. Hear him. See his face.
But I'm gonna keep that a secret for now. ;)

It feels good to actually have a halfway decent relationship with a guy.

I went to talk to Eric.
Jinger contacted me again. Stupid bitch.
She dogged him pretty hardcore.
Saying he was bad in bed and she was too pretty for him and he was ugly and had an old man gut really bad...blah blah blah.
She said that he basically said I was a whore that he was using for money.

So I went to his house and asked him about it.
I wasn't even gonna bring it up because of course he's gonna focus on the gossipy girl part where I look bad for even responding to Jinger about anything at all. Of course I looked catty. Of course I looked immature. But I HAD to know if he said that stuff.

He said no.
But who would say yes?

He just said no to sleep with me.
And I wasn't going to sleep with him.
I even didn't shave my legs so that I wouldn't be tempted.
But I did it anyway.

And now I feel stupid.
He's just using me.
And I'm not even sure that I like him that much.
Not as much as Blake anyway.

I think I'm finally over the Eric bridge.
Woohoo.

I gotta go to a wedding later this week. Hopefully, it's fun.

Buuuuuuutttttttt.................igottago...
Take care, ya'll :) Thanks for reading!!!

Turn On The Lights In Here Baby, Extra Bright, I Want Ya'll To See This

So. It's been a while since I've written a blog. I apologize.
I told you I was bad at this shit though. So you shouldn't be surprised.

I've been avoiding the computer since I got my job.
I'm back at DickSuck Cafe AKA Dixie Cafe.
So I've got my friends back. Even made some new ones. Been to a few parties. Smoked too much and didn't drink enough.

It's been pretty fun actually. And I'm waaaaay less depressed.

Eric Update?
WELL.
I get added by a girl named Jinger (stripper name, amIrightttt???). She starts asking me about my life and how I know her; so I tell her. We went to school together and did a few school plays together. She called me pretty on a bus once when I was 12. So we start talking and she wants to hang out. She asked me about Eric. And I was like, "We're friends". But then she started asking a bunch of other questions.

See. I don't like girls. Girls are manipulative, insecure and immature. Usually. I thought maybe she was different. So I told her. Everything. About how Eric and I have hooked up for almost 3 years. About how I used to like him. She basically called me a slut. You know how girls are mean in a "nice" way??? That's what she did. "Well, you and him never dated. All he wanted from you was to fuck. So you should be okay if we start dating, right?," "I just don't want you to get hurt...I feel soooo bad, but how could you sleep with a guy and NOT be in a relationship...for that long??," and blah blah blah. I wanted to hit her. With a car. No. A Semi.

I didn't wanna talk to her anymore after all the questions. But then she said he and her were talking. And I felt like shit for sharing all the info that I did with her. I wish she had told me what she wanted to begin with. Because she started getting really insecure afterwards. She'd text me RIGHT after I'd text him. So I guess he told her I was talking to him. Maybe they even had a game.

She kept trying to set me up with her "good friend" Zach. After two seconds of texting him though; I found out he was always "barred out" on zanax, was married (but seperated, as if that makes it better at the age of 24) and had a kid that he didn't take care of. Great guy, Jinger. Thanks for throwing him my way. ;D NOT.

I sent Eric a message when I was stoned telling him that I had feelings for him. Which is true. But I need to learn to keep it to myself. Guess Jinger heard about it because she let me know that Eric didn't wanna talk to me ever again and that he didn't wanna be my friend anymore because I "messed up". So I sent an apology message the next day after I sobered up.

And I stopped messsaging that bitch.
For real.
She's crazy, right?
She tried to insinuate that I was a drama starter for talking about relationships. But SHE messaged me on Facebook first, SHE asked about Eric first, she continued to ask about him even after I changed the subject many many times...so how am I the drama starter??
She needs to get her life checked out.
If she wants to walk around like she's a saint, she might wanna take the dick out of her mouth first.
That's all I'm saying.

So I've been ignoring her. And funny thing is, Eric is still talking to me. So I guess someone lied. Hmm.

And another weird thing? The other day the Zach guy changed his profile picture to one of him kissing Jinger. So. I don't know if her and Eric are dating anymore, nor do I care, but it's just a really weird coincidence that it happened. And I feel crazy for thinking she used him as a plot to get me out of the Eric picture (because she knew we had hooked up 3 weeks before she started talking to me), but I think she totally did. He hasn't made any effort to text me and he never really acted like he was into it anyway.

Drama, drama. I was supposed to be out of high school already. Pretty sad when a 21 year old has more of a grip on reality than two 25 year olds.

I feel bad for Eric though if he decides to get in a relationship with that crazy bitch. That'll be another failed relationship for him to add to his abundant list.

That's about all that's happened though.

Oh! New crush update!

This guy I work with, Blake, is totally cute. I kinda wanna makeout with him. He's got that sarcastic edge I like. :D BUT....he's 17. EWWWWWW.

Oh well....

Take care!!!!

Court

Before I Burst Into Tears

It's not often that I write a blog back to back.
But I just feel like I have to.

I don't know why I let meaningless guys get in my way.

I think I'm alright. I think I'm fine.

But then I make the mistake of sleeping with him again.
And I convince myself that I can be just friends.
He always says something that hurts me.
"Are you 'the one' that I was supposed to eat pastries with?" (no, I'm not.)
"Guess I gotta get a date book." (for what? to keep your girls in check?)

*click on Facebook* He's friends with some Misty girl. *click on his page* Misty: "Oh hey, stranger. Haven't spoken to you in a while. ;D" Him: "Pshh, I talked to you last week." (oh, did you? the week you were ignoring me?)


I don't want to be just a girl that lays in his bed and he forgets when I leave.
I'm totally in love with him and I try to hide it.


And the thing is; he'll never care.
He'll never feel the same.
I'm nothing.

I never was anything to him anyway.
So I don't know why I'm so hurt by it.



Maybe all I'm worth is just sex to him.
The price I pay him for my bad habits.


And when I'm gone...when he's settled down...will he ever even remember who I was and why I ever came around?





Probably not.


Imma go be depressed now.

Well, At Least I Still Have My Books

I'm tired of Facebook.
Reading people's status'.

"I love my husband. Laying in his arms...best feeling EVERRRRR!!! XD"
*Picture of baby* "Isn't she so cute??"
"I'm so in love, it hurts."

Blah, blah, blah.

You know what??
I'm tired of people and their love.
And I'll go ahead and say that it is because I'm bitter and jealous.
I'm not even going to lie about it.

I'm jealous because every guy I date either has a pussy hidden away, is ready to get married before getting to know a person (which is crazy and desperate) or they're a big giant asshole that has no intentions of settling down with any girl and if he did; it wouldn't be me.

Sooooo frustrating.
I just want to be in love for a day.
Just one day.

I'm not even asking for a whole day.
Just the part that I don't sleep away.

So if any guy is out there and wants to fake love for a few hours; call me up.
I'm ready to fake crush on your ass.
It'll be a journey.
A love story that you'll wanna write about.
I'll bake you a cake.
I'll write you a cheesy song and sing it to you topless.
I'll buy you a puppy and name it after your favorite movie character.
We'll watch the sunset and make love outside under the stars with Bright Eyes playing in the background.
Whatever you wanna do; we'll do it.

This gun's for hire, even if we're just dancing in the dark.
That's right; I know Springsteen.
We'll sing that shit if you wanna.
I know how to belt it.

I'm taking applications now for love interest.

So...get on that.

The window is only open for the next.....year....or 2....5?



Alrighty. Take care. :D

If I Didn't Know Any Better, I'd Be In Love With You

It's 7 a.m. and I feel like I have nothing to say.
But I'm gonna say it anyway.

I'm hoping, that by rambling, some sort of hidden knowledge that I've surpressed will pop out and make me feel a little more happy inside. Ease some tension. Release the emotions that I try to keep hidden.

It's not too often that I'm honest with myself.
I seem to be the only person I lie to.
I keep making up excuses so that I don't have to face the truth.
I pretend that I see truths; but all I see are mirages.

Because if someone loves you; they don't hurt you.
And if you love someone; then they shouldn't make you feel worthless.

You should feel whole. And happy. And all that other nonsense that comes with being in love and being happy and surrendering.
Surrender.
Boy, I'd do anything to learn to do that.
I can't seem to let my reins go when it comes to love though.

There's only so many times a boy can make you believe with your whole heart that he loves you, and then take it back before you start to question every other relationship you're entering. And it's not the new guy's fault.

But if there's one thing that I've learned through the years, it's that when it comes to boys; it's all about the sex.

There's not a guy that will turn it down.
Not a guy on the face of the earth that doesn't want to hear your breathy moans on the receiving end of the phone line.
Not one who would be digusted by a text message detailing the many things you'd imagine doing to him for hours.
Not a single guy that would not take you up on an offer to "hang out".
And let's face it: It's never really "hanging out", is it?
Nope.
Just kisses, rushed touches and words that are forgotten once they leave your mouth.

Sometimes I feel like it's all I'm worth.
And it's stupid to believe so.
I know I'm not.
I have to admit, that it's a useful tool though.

I used to condemn the women who slept with men wanting love in the end.
"He doesn't have to like you to fuck you. And you're not winning him over by doing so." <-----things I've said to others before.
But do I ever take my own words to heart? No.

And I'm not saying that I don't want to desire a guy and that I don't want him to desire me back.
I'm just saying that it'd be nice for a guy to want to talk to me without trying to bring it up for once.

Yeah.
A bunch of misguided words with no thesis.
But I feel slightly less bored with them.

Adios.

What's Love Got To Do With It???

So.

It's been a while, huh?

See, I let someone I kinda-sorta know read this thing. So I've been hesitant to write again. I don't know why. But I'm gonna do it anyway.

I've noticed that I use a lot of cuss words. I kinda wanna go back and edit some of them out. But I think I'm gonna leave em and use it as a reminder that I need to cut back.
Pronto.

Weirdest thing:
Seth from high school has been messaging me.

Backstory:
Seth was a drummer in our high school band. And the mayor's son. So when he got caught smoking pot and fucking girls by our band teacher; his dad would make a monetary donation to the band council to keep it hush-hush. Seth pretty much had a bunch of young girl groupies. It's like he knew they were crushing and he took full advantage. Well, he was 3 years older than me, so of course, I kinda thought he was cute too. I think he knew that, but it was no big deal then.

I sent him a message on Facebook when I was 16. And all of a sudden, he messages me 5 years later saying he always liked me.

Riiiight.

He liked my rack. Even in high school it was huge.

But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said he could text me.
And he's been asking me out for like, 3 months now and I keep using excuses like, "well, I don't make plans" and "we'll see. I'm a busy girl."

I sound like Eric. ha.
But I'm really not busy. And I really prefer plans in advance.
So I'm a liar.

I'm just hesitant. Why would a guy all of a sudden wanna hang out with me?

And so I've basically narrowed down the options:
A.) He's friends with Chris (who I slept with) and he's "heard" some things and wants to test them out.

B.) He's ran out of options on who to fuck. So he picked a random girl on Facebook chat and gave it a go.

C.) He saw me on Amber's Facebook friends, and after he got through sucking face with her, he was like, "Hey, Courtney...I remember her. She used to like me. Hmm."

With any option; he's wanting ass.
And I already got a friends with benefit thing going. So I don't need a second one.

I may go on the date, just to move past Eric. But I'm still not at ease on where his intentions lie.

Eric update?
I saw him last week. He told me he'd be home in the next 3 days and we could hang. But he never went home. So he moved it back. And then he never went home then, either...so he's moved it back until next week. Moving it back. Ugh. He either really doesn't wanna go home. Or he really doesn't wanna go home with me.
Either way, I'm kinda just over it.
I deserve better, fo sho.

Maybe I should give actual LOVE a chance in my life and leave the sexual desires behind?

Life's better than way, right?


Hm.

Like A Fool I Led My Soul To Love; And It Paid Me Back In Change

It's another installment of Courtney's Boring Life.
*cue music*

Thank you, thank you. Hold the applause. There'll be plenty of time for that during commercial. Right now let's get on with it.

I've lost a couple of pounds.
*applause*
Well, thanks, thanks. I tried really hard. I really did....n't.
Too bad those tacos I ate yesterday will counteract against my good work. All these bad habits are gonna chase my good ones away.
*audience laughter*

Oh...I know.


The only other thing that's on my mind is boys.
*oooooohhh*
Yes.
See.
Listen here, "you":
I'm tired of seeing those girls on your Facebook saying how they miss you and love you and wanna fuck you.
*ahhhhh*
I'm tired of feeling like I'm giving you everything and you're not giving anything to me unless I pay for it.
Well.
You know what I'm gonna do about it??

Probably nothing.

But.

I am going to go running.
*jubliant applause*

So as we say...
*audience participation required in the shouting*
"Take care, bitches!!"
*applause and waving goodbye*

You'd Better Run, Better Run, Faster Than My Bullet

Pumped-Up Kicks by Foster the People. Been stuck in my head all day. Curse you, lyrical melodies!

So it's day 3 of my "running" adventures.
It's more of me walking fast for 10 minutes and then barely getting by the last 20.
But it'll do.
Right now, I haven't lost a single pound. BUT. Hopefully, if I keep up the hard work and continue adding more and more distance to my routine; I'll see results by next year. I just wanna lose 30-40 lbs. That's all I'm asking for.

Oh welllll.
If I don't lose the weight; I still have my cute face and giant tits.
So I'll be okay.

That's about as far as my update has gone though.
I haven't done anything really new.

Except sleeping in really late.
But that's not new.

Tomorrow, I'll hopefully be going to Jaden's first birthday party. Jaden is Sarah's baby boy. Sarah and I used to be really good friends. She got married to some weird dumbass guy though and did a bunch of dirty work behind her baby daddy's back (which isn't the guy who's raising Jaden now), so I kinda lost respect for her and moved on. But we were friends for a while. So I may just let it all go and go see her.

Friends are hard to come by.

I don't know though.
Maybe I should be friend-less. It'd be cheaper.


I guess you're expecting me to say something about guys about now.
Because I always do.
But I don't know if it's because of the running or what; but I think I'll let a blog go by without mentioning my feelings about any certain man.

For the first time.

You're welcome.

I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked

I write because I can.

And obviously someone is liking it, because I see ya clicking on here. That's right, bitch. You there. I see you.

So, I'm pretty excited to start "working-out" tomorrow. I plan on jogging for at least a few miles 5 days out of the week so that I can lose at least 30/40 lbs by next year for my cousin's wedding. It may be her wedding; but I wanna be the hottest one there. I have a reputation to live up to. And I need to get a date before I go. So I'm hoping that if I can get extra cute; I can convince someone to go with me....sober.

I hate clicking on Facebook pages and seeing ex's flirt with the guy I like. I wanna crawl in a hole and die. It's like, "Yeah, I know he had his dick in you and you both like tattoos. Please stop flirting with him though because lately his dick has been in me and it makes me wanna barf when you do it so publicly."

But whatever.
I'm just a piece of ass to him anyway.
So maybe I should get over it.
Because he'll prolly end up back with them again anyway.
Or someone else.
That's not me.

So.

I should breathe and ignore it.

*sigh*

I haven't done anything amazing lately. So if you were planning on reading something just completely mind-boggling; I've failed you. Or you've failed yourself for clicking on here in the first place. I'll go with the latter. Less guilt for me.

I'm hoping to get out of my boy depression soon.

OHHHHH.
But wait!

I haven't slept with that many people.
Not many AT ALL.
So what are the chances that my little brother ends up working with one of the guys I have???
My brother has been talking to him for weeks without even knowing.
And today he decides to tell everyone at his work that he had anal sex with me.

I'm not saying this is a gross thing.
I'm not knocking it for those of you that do it.
But I'm NOT for that.
NOT at all.
It just sounds like hemroids waiting to happen.
And gay.

And if I had done it; then okay, I'd prolly be pissed still that he was telling a bunch of strangers....but because I haven't; I'm extra pissed.

I wish my brother weren't such a pussy and would beat his face in.

I may do it for him though.

I hate sex-ers and tellers.
And that's why I'll be putting my app in to be a nun.
Please, Pope, let me in so I can masturbate all alone in boredom and wait to be impregnanted by Jesus. *crosses fingers*

It's Not Like I Believe In Everlasting Love

What's up, bitches???!!!

I really don't care.
Shut up.

Anyways.
This weekend was HELL. And I don't mean the fun kind where Satan greets you with Northern Lights ready in the bong and asks you if you wanna speak to Hitler (Note to readers: I am not a communists nor am I supporting it. So shut the fuck up.). The hell I'm talking about is...well...picture this: Four women in a car. But wait! It gets worse. Two of those women are in their early 40's and one is my mother, one is in her late 60's and is bossy and the other is me. We all set off for an adventure.

We were going to see my aunt in Little Rock. She had surgery on her shoulder because she likes to get pushed around by men on a daily basis. (Which...quick interruption...this is the thing that pisses me off most about her. She will let a man say and do anything to her just so she doesn't have to be alone. Is it really all the bad to be alone? I don't think so.) But she forgot to let us know that the doc's were sending her home with us.

She asked. She said she didn't...but she knew we were coming, getting a nice hotel and eating out. Oh, and she knew my grandma had pain pills. So she probably begged them to let her go. And she even almost admitted to us that she did. The whole time she was crying and being a bitch because we wouldn't talk about her. She always wants to talk about her and her struggles and her horrible life and the boyfriend she had that died.

And it took EVERY fuckin ounce of me not to cuss her out. I'm tired of it.

Her stuggles are brought on by herself. She is the reason she is where she is. She chose to marry a man who dealt drugs and beat her and molested her. She went back to him every time. Even up to the point where he died. And she repeated that process. She stayed pilled up and drunk most of the time. She lets her druggie friends live with her. And she was sleeping around with the guy that broke her shoulder because he provided her with weed and occasional meth. So she wants me to feel sympathy for her because she made bad choices??? She doesn't even realize she does. She blames everyone else. She blames my grandma. My grandma who's been raising her and continues to even though the bitch is 40-something years old. She buys her dinners, meals at expensive restaurants, gives her pain pills (my aunt even steals them from her), and gives her money to pay rent and buy appliances. She does everything. But my aunt is still ungrateful for it. She still blames her problems on my grandma. Which makes me wanna slap her.

She wants everyone to feel sorry for her because her upper arm and shoulder probably won't work ever again.
But it's her own fuckin fault.
I feel bad because of her injury. But I refuse to give her the sympathy she wants.

She wants everyone to feel sorry for her because her "fiance", David, died 2 years ago.

The truth?
She wanted liquor and/or drugs. Neither of them had a car, but she had an electric powered wheelchair. So she begged him to get on it and go for it. He didn't want to go. Kept saying he had a bad feeling. Well she made him. And he got hit by a kid because it was dark outside and he was on a dark, less travelled road. He laid in a ditch for 30 minutes before anyone came. He was hit so hard, his feet came off.
My aunt cried saying he was the only man she loved.

But BEFORE he got hit; she was ready to kick him out. Kept saying he was a bum without a job. Kept saying that she'd never marry his ass because he's a no good lazy man.

But now that he's dead....he was the "man of her dreams". She just wants something to hang onto. Something for people to say, "Oh, she's had such a hard, hard life."

I can't find sympathy for her.
When I was five, she'd take me to drug dealers houses to get high. She'd leave me in rooms with convicted child molesters. She'd have sex with her ex's while we spent the night. She'd take too many pain pills, and fall asleep with cigarettes in her hand. When I was 15, she took meth and then made me believe someone was coming over to beat her up. She had the cops come over and everything. And I believed her because I didn't know she was high. But then she started pouring salt everywhere, and I finally realized what had happened. And slowly I started to remember all the similar times that she did the same things when I was a child.

I'm tired of it. If she wants people to help her; she needs to stop pushing them away. If she wants people to believe she's not a druggie; she needs to stop stealing the last pain pill from my mom and grandma who actually needs them.

Go to fuckin rehab. Grow up.
I'm just glad she never had kids. She fucked my brother and I up enough with her shit. If she had had kids; they would've had to see it every day.

And today in the car she was upset because my grandma will be having necessary knee surgery in 2 weeks and won't be able to take care of her for the last 5 weeks of her healing process.

Really???

Stupid shit.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.

Sooooo much anger towards her today.

Then I come home and I hear my brother telling my mom and dad that I'm a lazy bitch without a job. I cussed him out pretty hardcore. And then took a nap. He apologized. But he's a dumbass.

I'm still upset, as you can tell.

It'll all be better in time, I'm sure.

And I've come to the conclusion that I'm completely in love with Eric. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't. I tried to because I know he'll never have feelings for me. But I don't care anymore. I'm just going to admit it and stop fighting it. And if he breaks my heart (which he probably will); I'll just move on like I do from every other shit relationship.

This one isn't even the worst. I may have done/keep doing dumb shit to be near him; but at least we're sorta friends and I enjoy his company.

Still, I'm stupid.
Ha.


God.
Sleep.

You Gotta Remember To Breathe Or You'll Die

So I feel refreshed.

My road trip weekend started out with a bang.
Quite literally.
And quite yummy.

I got to make-out and get naked with a very handsome and troubled musician. :P
The only complaint I have is that I was slightly high, and yeah, that made it feel AH-mazzzz-ing...but trying to replay the moments is very frustrating. It's like watching a Youtube video and having it stop to buffer itself several times.

But I got laid.
So I can deal with minor lost memory.

As soon as I got done with sex and talks; I got in my little car and went to pick up Kim.

After I changed, fixed my makeup and watched kittens pounce on each other; we were off to Petit Jean Mountain!!!!

The trip, at first, was kinda weird. Kim and I were both very tired (I maybe only slept for an hour) and my eyes were doing this weird fuzzy straining thing. We kept laughing and saying stupid things.

We got ready to go to a random mexican food place and Kim was like, "Um, Courtney, is that weed in your purse?"
So I looked down and saw the weed Eric threw in my purse earlier.
Because Kim is definitely against that and she's family...I kinda freaked for a second.
So I just was like, "Uh, that's actually Jocelyn's weed. I bought it from Eric for her. I didn't have time to take it home. Don't say anything."
She was very skeptical.
But she dropped the subject.
So I took that as a good sign and went on about my business and ate my enchilada.

Finally, we made it to the mountains and stopped at the "Fudge Bus". I got the chocolate walnut fudge; which was pretty yummy. I've been savoring it. I don't want it to end.
We took lots of pictures of the fake-unicorn we made.
We were, afterall, unicorn hunting. Duh.
And then we walked around and drove and then left.
We had every intention on camping.
In fact, our parents were very upset by the fact we were doing so.
Two girls. Bad camping skills. Alone. Rape. Murder. Missing alert.
Everyone thought we were goners.
But I guess God smiled down on them; because the lady at the registration desk said, "It's state policy that you have to camp both Friday and Saturday. You can't just stay for one night."
Which is bullshit.
I've done it before.
But we were just like...adios...we're getting a hotel.

So we left and went to Searcy for a hotel.
It was La Quinta.
It was pretty nice.
The lady gave us a $20 discount for no reason.
Then we got our stuff and lounged around.
We went for snacks...prolly looked like stoners, then laughed a bunch, spilled the coffee pot, dropped chocolate on the white bed, watched Platinum Hit and Say Yes To The Dress: Bridesmaids Edition, showered, and then we passed out. At 11 pm. We're getting old.

I didn't wanna get out of the bed.
But we did.
Ate some free bisquits and gravy and had someone SPILL APPLE JUICE in my car. I wanted Orange Juice. But it had pulp. Thank god, because that shit would've been stickier.

Then we went home.
By the way, don't take Benadryl before driving. Not good.

We didn't die.
We read a map.
And we had fun.

Then we went to Olive Garden for my little brother's family birthday dinner.
It was pretty good.
And that's about all I have to say on that.

I loved my weekend.
I'll prolly keep replaying my night before the road trip for a few weeks.
And I'll prolly be trying to get the tagged pics of my road trip off Facebook for a few minutes.

Yay.

 

That's Petit Jean up there, Bitches.

When There's Nothing Left To Burn; You Have To Set Yourself On Fire

So. This is cheesy. But fun.
I wrote a letter to my future (or not so future) "soul-mate".
So. Ehmm....Here it goes:

Dear Whomever,

      You're probably never going to find me. Let's face it. Hell, even if you do; I'll probably push you away. I don't trust myself to love. To love means to let go, give in, and become vulnerable. I don't do a lot of things well, but letting my walls down to vulnerability is something I do horribly. Truth is, somedays, I hope I don't find you. Not all days, not even most days, but sometimes I don't want to possess your heart, because I know i'll fuck it up. And I've been heartbroken before. If I pushed YOU away...it'd feel 100% worse than any of the others, and honestly, nature doesn't make strong enough weed to help me deal with that one.

     This sounds sooo pessimistic.

     Well.

     On the off chance that I don't push you away...and I find you...and I stop being cynical...

     I hope you're intelligent. I hope sometimes you're overly obsessed with yourself. It's a weird thing to want, but sometimes I'm so narcissistic that I'd like you to understand. I'd like you to stand up to me. Put me in my place. Because sometimes I fall out of line.

     I hope you laugh often and you only cry in private.

     That you're insecure but you mask it with sarcasm.

     You love passionately but never over-use the words, "I love you".

     You don't care about being tidy. Your clothes are all over our bedroom floor. And you don't get mad when you find my towel laying in the bathroom floor still.

     You like my cooking, and you're always grateful. Because cooking and cleaning means love. :)

     You like kisses but you never expect them and you never demand them.

     You have a touch that can in one movement tear me apart but also make me feel whole.

     You're always ready to make love, but you never make me feel easy when I give in.

     You're terribly flawed. But you know it.

     You don't have to, but it'd be nice if you played guitar. Acoustic, of course. And then you could write me a song. But only one, because that one song would sum everything up perfectly.

     You find hugs as awkward as I do.

     You crave alone time and let me have mine. I'd like to be able to sit in silence for hours at a time and still feel connected.

     And most importantly....

     You're you.

     Something that I could never invent.

     And you'll love me deeper than anyone ever has.

                                    :),

                                       Courtney

      

Jesus Came To My Birthday Party

This is one of the first "normal" Fourth of July's I've had.
I ate Taco Bell and went outside with Andrew and Neeley to shoot off fireworks.
Well.
To watch them being shot off.
Because I have a fear of fire, fireworks, anything that involves explosions and fire of any kind.
Maybe because I got shot in the arm with a bottle rocket when I was a kid.

Maybe.

Two years ago, I spent ole' independence day having sex with Eric for the first time after eating pizza and playing poker with Sarah's family.
Good times.

Then last year, I went to Jonesboro to watch a lame firework show with my ex-boyfriend. He kept looking at my boobs and grabbing me the whole time. And it took us 2 hours to get home because of traffic. And I had to pee the whole time.
Not fun.

I was supposed to "get it in" tonight...but I guess that's a no-go.

Bummer.

I don't even get excited anymore.

Hell, I don't even shave my thighs extra good anymore because I know that I'll spend all the time making sure my goodies are smooth for nothing.
Sad story.

I really don't understand fireworks.
Why spend $20-$100's of bucks on something that goes into the air in smoke and pops?
It's throwing away money.
I mean...at least potheads and crackheads get something out of their smoke.
I understand that.
But fireworks....
Stupid.

That's all I got for now.
Rrrrealllyyyy boring blog.

I might not even go re-read this shit.
And that's pret-tea bad.

Peace.

Listen Friends, the only thing that's gonna happen, is that we're gonna eat each other up alive!

Great words to live by, eh?
Ha.

I'm better today.
A few days of solitude, Japanese food, Twilight Zone marathons and Lucero will do that for you.
And I'm grateful.

I might be a damn psychic. For real.
Bryan ended up flaking.....AGAIN.
Who didn't see this coming?

I texted him for, like, 5 days straight and nada. Nothing. Not even a, "Hi".
So I guess he went back to his girlfriend.
Or at least back away from me.

I dodged a bullet probably.

Eric did contact me. Said we'd hang out in the next couple of days.
I won't hold my breath though.

It's almost as if these last few weeks of him being an ass to me have opened my eyes. It let my heart go a little bit. I feel a little bit more in control. I don't feel fragile and ready to break.

I never should've felt that way to begin with.
I'm a strong girl.
WELL...a girl who's average and pretends to be strong.
But I shouldn't let such a weak man take me down.
Mhmmm.

I'm grateful for every breath I take in. Every song I get to sing outloud in the shower. Every kiss my dog gives me (even if he's only doing it because he smells food). Every punch on the arm my little brother gives me. Every heartbreak. Because without heartbreak; you never had love. And I'm totally and completely grateful for love.

I'm gonna start taking breaks away from life.

And this weekend is the start.
My cousin, Kim, and I will be going Unicorn Hunting.
Ha.
Camping, for real. But for photographic purposes, a unicorn will be involved. :P

I'm pretty excited.
Even if I do end up burning my wrists like I did the last time I camped; I'll be good to go. :)))

I'm almost out of books to read also.
This needs to change.

I wish I lived in a library.

Anyways...
Toodles. :P

If you can't be with the one you love; then be with everyone

Some asshole sang that once.
Pft.

I'm feeling down. Hoping that writing whatever I got in my head at the moment will help release this tight grip on my stomach.

Probably not though.

So my ex boyfriend, Bryan, decided that he misses me.
Wants me to come see him in Texas in August so he can kiss me and the such.
He broke up with his girlfriend, but her family hates her in Arizona, so he let her stay until she could find somewhere else to go.
Which makes me hesitate.
Everything about him makes me hesitate.
Like, how can you say you love me so much and so easily when I haven't talked to you in months? And haven't said I love you in years?
It's hard to wake up and see his name on my phone and to see, "It's okay. I love you".
Does he?
Because i fell for that once before.
Twice before.
Almost three times before.
Aw, what am I kidding myself? I did fall the third time.
Stupid me.

He always sets me up to fail. Always makes me believe in his words, just to tear them away at the last moment.
Says he loves me the whole time until his next sentence is "I've found the one"; and it's not me.
It's Megan. It's Jesse. It's Brianne.
It's anyone but me.

"I've given you my best/why does she get the best of you?"
Ha.
Oh, country music lyrics. How depressing. But fitting.

I don't know if I can allow myself to trust again. To go. To stay for a week in his arms, in his bed, with his words hanging in the air. Him telling me not to leave. Telling me to move in with him because he misses me. Telling me that he loves me over and over again.
Gah.

Why do I feel like I'm ready to break?
I feel on the verge of tears everyday.

Eric still hasn't answered me. But he's been online everyday active on Facebook. Guess he's done with me.
And that's that.
Two years spent on wishful thinking...this whole 6 months of feeling deeper feelings for someone who was ready to let me go the whole time.
I wish men were cursed to love the people they have sex with.
Because then it'd make it easier for me to say that I'll be okay.

I'm not alright.
Not at all.

I just want to disappear.