I Loved You Then And I Love You Now

Things that have happened this last week?

Last Monday:
Car didn't start.
Took mom's van.
Picked up Jocelyn and Blake.
Went to Mitchell's.
O.o
Got stoned.
Drew pictures on his "living room" wall with highlighters while the blacklight was on. My picture of choice? A penis, of course. Teeheehee.
Tried a water bong.
Decided not to try a water bong again after seeing Blake inhale a shit ton of water and after tasting the most disgusting hit ever.
Called Kum n' Go (A gas station, not a porn shop) for fried chicken while high.
Went to Kum n' Go.
Saw cops.
Decided fried chicken wasn't all that important.
Drove around in the rain in a minivan completely baked until going home.

The rest of the week was a blur. Mostly involving Blake and/or Jocelyn and/or alcohol/weed.

I worked on Thanksgiving. It was so lame. 
Kristyn had a party planned for that night, and I had plans to go.
And I did.
So I bought some vodka for my friends, picked up Rodney and Blake and went.

It started off good.
A couple of shots.
A few passes of the joint.
I started being loud and shouty.
I remember telling Jocelyn that she needed to stay a virgin.

Then the night went bad.
I started throwing up every 20 minutes almost.
Luckily, I made it to the bathroom every time.
Even when Kristyn was using the actual toliet, she held my hair back while I puked in her bathtub while saying, "Do you need bread? I think bread fixes everything..."
After puking, I went in the living room and passed out on the floor ala superman style.
Jocelyn, of course, started kicking me and trying to get me to "lick Blake's asshole" because "it tastes like Strawberry Cake".

Whatever.

I drove home. Even though I shouldn't have.
And I regretted drinking.
Probably won't be doing that again.

The next day, I went to Blake's and hung out with him for a bit.

Then Saturday night, I went to Eric's. :)
So stupid, I know.
I tried to blow him off.
I told him I picked Blake over him to hang out with.
And he STILL wanted me to come over.
So I did.
And he let me stay the night this time. AGAIN.
He NEVER lets me stay. He always kicks me out.
But this time he let me stay the whole night, undisturbed.
And whenever I said I had to leave, he checked his phone to make sure we didn't have extra time.

So, I'm not getting my hopes up or anything, but I'm hoping that these are maybe prospecting signs for the future of this very unhealthy, staggering relationship.
And if it's not a good sign, maybe all this hanging with Blake stuff will pay off.

But he is a kid. And I know he wants to explore. So I know the chances of that are dismal.

Blah.

On another hand, I learned that Olay ProX Professional sucks balls.
I've been on Proactive/BareMinerals since I was 13. But that's expensive products for a waitress in Arkansas, so I decided to try other things.
I thought, for the first two weeks, that Olay would pay off because it was cleaning out my blackheads and smoothing my skin out. However, it never cleared my skin and actually caused it to break out more. I don't know if it's the skin care regimen or the Revlon makeup. I'm switching both though. I decided to try AcneFree Severe because it has benzoyl peroxide like Proactive and I know that Proactive at least worked at managing my acne even if it didn't clear me 100%. And I'm thinking about picking up some Smashbox foundation tomorrow since I'm saving money on my skin care regime (I went from $60/month to $22/month :D).

I always get super excited about makeup/body products/skin care products.
I could spend $1,000 on the crap.
The other girls can have their shoes. I want their makeup.


Oh, P.S., Eric mentioned moving to Oregon maybe. It bums me out.
I need to learn to get unattached so that I won't miss him.
He backtracked Saturday a little and said it was a 50% chance of him going.
But that's still 50% more than I like.
Hopefully, he doesn't go.

Maybe.

Maybe that'd be the only way for me to get over him though.
For him to leave.

Hm.

It is strange how we hold on to the pieces of the past while we wait for our futures...

I hate guys.
How they play girls against each other.
Ridiculous.

Anyway.

My mom found my pot.
I leave it in this old purse thinking that it's portable plus no one cares enough to look in it.
Well, I decided to smoke a bit before work while I was curling my hair to pass the time. I left my purse in the bathroom floor after I got done, and thought, "I need to get that when I leave."

But I didn't.

Next thing I know I'm at work and my phone goes off and there's a message from my mom saying, "I found your purse, or what I thought was your purse...NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU DO!!!"

So I feel sick. And I go home thinking I'm gonna get kicked out because it's a total disrespect of the rules.
But she doesn't even talk to me.
And when she does it's only to say that she's dissappointed and that she'll kick me out if she finds it again.

So that sucks.

She doesn't want my dad to know. She thinks it'll ruin his delusions that I'm a perfect girl. I'd rather tell him though. It's better than having him hug me and call me his "little girl" while seeing my mom roll her eyes in the background.

So she's been a jerk to me because of that. I don't blame her, but still.

On another note, Sundays at DickSuck Cafe are horrible.
Always a bunch of snotty christian people who just came from church complaining because they have to WAIT for a table. Maybe if you didn't come in with 20 people, you'd have an easier time.

But I work with this girl named Taylor.
Everyone hates her really.
She's 16 and she's immature.
All she does is complain because she's sick, she sits around and then rambles about random guys that she dates for 2 weeks and that means it's "love".
She likes to boss me around.
Taylor: *smiling at guests* "How many do you have? 5? Courtney, go sit Caleb." *thrusts menus in my face* "Oh, and wipe that table down when you come back."

*smack*

So annoying.

After going through 3 hours of that torture, I decide to swing by WalMart and get my birth control. People are parked in the fire zone by the door and it's crowded, so I think, "with the 30 seconds I'm going to be in there, I might as well just park here in this handicapped spot and run in and run out."

As I'm walking in, some big fat ghetto lady and her friend stop me.
Lady: "Where is your sticker?"
Me: *walking and ignoring*
Lady: "Excuse me, where is your sticker for that spot? Are you disabled? What if someone disabled wanted to park there?"
Me: "I'm just running into the pharmacy for 30 seconds. There's other parking spots." *walks away*
Lady: "Sometimes I wish I were a cop....You want me to call the cops??!! Do you want me to wait out here by your car while I call the cops??"
Me: *still walking away* "Do it."
Lady: *thinking I work there because Dixie Cafe's uniform is the same as WalMart's* "...I don't care if she works here....I'll still call the cops."

Why did she care sooo much?
First of all, half of my family is on disability. I know the rules. And honestly, most people on disability CAN walk farther than a handicapped parking spot.
Second of all, It took me two minutes to walk in. So why is it okay for people to park in the FIRE zone and wait for people to walk in and walk out, but it's NOT okay for someone to momentarily park in a handicap zone just to run in and run out? Aren't they both illegal? So why wasn't she harrassing them?
Third of all, what went wrong in her life that she had to follow me around yelling at me about something that was none of her concern.

Made me so mad.
I wanted to just turn around and say, "Lady, I don't know if you went to church this morning or not, but you need to stop being a bitch. And don't worry about being a cop. You couldn't fit in the uniform, you fatass cracked out bitch."

But I didn't.
I was a good girl.
:)

Then, today, I log onto Facebook and I see Eric has got this Kalie girl everywhere. They're hanging out watching porn and painting pictures and quoting each other and liking each other's status'. And even though I shouldn't be jealous because he's an asshole and I'm trying to stay away, I totally am still jealous.
It sucks.
I hate that I care.
For real.


But.
I guess that's it.
So.
Take care.

Some Boys Don't Know How To Love

Ain't it the truth, eh?
ha.

So I'm less depressed. Kinda cool. I'm not sure if it's the pot or the life. But whatever it is, it's working. :)

I've been hanging out with Blake lately.
He's 17.
I'm 21.
I'm sorry.

He really makes me feel giddy though. Like I'm 16 again and my heart was never broken. I just wanna be near him all the time. Hear him. See his face.
But I'm gonna keep that a secret for now. ;)

It feels good to actually have a halfway decent relationship with a guy.

I went to talk to Eric.
Jinger contacted me again. Stupid bitch.
She dogged him pretty hardcore.
Saying he was bad in bed and she was too pretty for him and he was ugly and had an old man gut really bad...blah blah blah.
She said that he basically said I was a whore that he was using for money.

So I went to his house and asked him about it.
I wasn't even gonna bring it up because of course he's gonna focus on the gossipy girl part where I look bad for even responding to Jinger about anything at all. Of course I looked catty. Of course I looked immature. But I HAD to know if he said that stuff.

He said no.
But who would say yes?

He just said no to sleep with me.
And I wasn't going to sleep with him.
I even didn't shave my legs so that I wouldn't be tempted.
But I did it anyway.

And now I feel stupid.
He's just using me.
And I'm not even sure that I like him that much.
Not as much as Blake anyway.

I think I'm finally over the Eric bridge.
Woohoo.

I gotta go to a wedding later this week. Hopefully, it's fun.

Buuuuuuutttttttt.................igottago...
Take care, ya'll :) Thanks for reading!!!

What's Love Got To Do With It???

So.

It's been a while, huh?

See, I let someone I kinda-sorta know read this thing. So I've been hesitant to write again. I don't know why. But I'm gonna do it anyway.

I've noticed that I use a lot of cuss words. I kinda wanna go back and edit some of them out. But I think I'm gonna leave em and use it as a reminder that I need to cut back.
Pronto.

Weirdest thing:
Seth from high school has been messaging me.

Backstory:
Seth was a drummer in our high school band. And the mayor's son. So when he got caught smoking pot and fucking girls by our band teacher; his dad would make a monetary donation to the band council to keep it hush-hush. Seth pretty much had a bunch of young girl groupies. It's like he knew they were crushing and he took full advantage. Well, he was 3 years older than me, so of course, I kinda thought he was cute too. I think he knew that, but it was no big deal then.

I sent him a message on Facebook when I was 16. And all of a sudden, he messages me 5 years later saying he always liked me.

Riiiight.

He liked my rack. Even in high school it was huge.

But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said he could text me.
And he's been asking me out for like, 3 months now and I keep using excuses like, "well, I don't make plans" and "we'll see. I'm a busy girl."

I sound like Eric. ha.
But I'm really not busy. And I really prefer plans in advance.
So I'm a liar.

I'm just hesitant. Why would a guy all of a sudden wanna hang out with me?

And so I've basically narrowed down the options:
A.) He's friends with Chris (who I slept with) and he's "heard" some things and wants to test them out.

B.) He's ran out of options on who to fuck. So he picked a random girl on Facebook chat and gave it a go.

C.) He saw me on Amber's Facebook friends, and after he got through sucking face with her, he was like, "Hey, Courtney...I remember her. She used to like me. Hmm."

With any option; he's wanting ass.
And I already got a friends with benefit thing going. So I don't need a second one.

I may go on the date, just to move past Eric. But I'm still not at ease on where his intentions lie.

Eric update?
I saw him last week. He told me he'd be home in the next 3 days and we could hang. But he never went home. So he moved it back. And then he never went home then, either...so he's moved it back until next week. Moving it back. Ugh. He either really doesn't wanna go home. Or he really doesn't wanna go home with me.
Either way, I'm kinda just over it.
I deserve better, fo sho.

Maybe I should give actual LOVE a chance in my life and leave the sexual desires behind?

Life's better than way, right?


Hm.

Life Is Just What Happens To You...When You're Busy Making Other Plans

I must be a damn psychic.

Remember when I said that those plans wouldn't go down???
WELL.
Thhhheyyyy didn't.

His cute little Facebook status' keeps saying "KO'd: tangerine dream". I wish I cared enough to write "PO'd: eric". But then he'd have the upper hand. Whoever cares less, controls the relationship....even though we're not in one...well...friends...ish.

But I'm pretty disappointed. Even though I'm on my period anyways, so it's not like I'd get what I REALLY want. He thinks I go over there for the smoke...but I only do that to get what I really want. I want his laugh, his sarcastic jokes, his goofy insecure statements, the feel of his heart beating too fast, the way he smells, the lingering kisses and the rushed touches. Mmm. THAT'S my favorite part.

So, I'm sure we'll hang out soon. But still. It's never often/soon enough for me. Ever.

I hate that I'm so in love with something that will never go anywhere.

Sigh.


On another note, my ex contacted me. Telling me he's not going to be paying off the rest of the electric bill that we owed on when we lived together. He agreed to do it because my parents, grandma and uncle all chipped in to pay for his doctor's visit because he was randomly passing out and throwing up afterwards. But now that I'm being "such a big bitch"; he's declining to pay it.

I'm the bitch?! I'm. The. Bitch.
Asshole.

And not the cute, charming likeable assholes that I love. He's the bad kind.
He's spent weeks accusing me of being a whore and sleeping around with everyone in town, that all my friends are druggies and he's gonna "bust" us when he gets on with the police department (I pray to God that he doesn't) and that I'm a disappointment to my family. And I haven't done a thing to him but ask him to leave me alone.

I think his exact words were: "You're a bitch. And I can't wait until someone you love...like...ohhhh...let's say....YOUR MOTHER!!!...wakes up and tells you to your face how heartless of a fuckin bitch you are. You treat everyone like shit, you fuckin whore!"

It's sweet really. Definitely Hallmark material.

If I were a violent person...I'd drive by his house, get out and beat his face in.

But I'm not.
Too bad.


I'm finally going to be able to go home tomorrow and not be here at my grandma's. Since Andy went and got wi-fi at the house though; I'll be able to keep up with this blog like I've been doing. Which probably won't matter, because in a month or two I'll prolly slack on this like I do every other journal/diary/blog thing. Maybe not though. People do change....Ha...nevermind.

My aunt had surgery on her arm too. It wasn't that gangrene stuff. It was staph. So they went in and cleaned it and she's back to being her normal complaining self-pitying self. Oh joy. But I do love her. And it's better than her being dead. Which if she doesn't stop drinking mason jars full of beer/whiskey with her pain pills; might be soon.

That's about all I got though.
Yup.

It's back to Dexter. I just started on the series. So far, it's good. I can't decide if Michael C. Hall is cute or not though. It's very borderline. Hmm.