Listen Friends, the only thing that's gonna happen, is that we're gonna eat each other up alive!

Great words to live by, eh?
Ha.

I'm better today.
A few days of solitude, Japanese food, Twilight Zone marathons and Lucero will do that for you.
And I'm grateful.

I might be a damn psychic. For real.
Bryan ended up flaking.....AGAIN.
Who didn't see this coming?

I texted him for, like, 5 days straight and nada. Nothing. Not even a, "Hi".
So I guess he went back to his girlfriend.
Or at least back away from me.

I dodged a bullet probably.

Eric did contact me. Said we'd hang out in the next couple of days.
I won't hold my breath though.

It's almost as if these last few weeks of him being an ass to me have opened my eyes. It let my heart go a little bit. I feel a little bit more in control. I don't feel fragile and ready to break.

I never should've felt that way to begin with.
I'm a strong girl.
WELL...a girl who's average and pretends to be strong.
But I shouldn't let such a weak man take me down.
Mhmmm.

I'm grateful for every breath I take in. Every song I get to sing outloud in the shower. Every kiss my dog gives me (even if he's only doing it because he smells food). Every punch on the arm my little brother gives me. Every heartbreak. Because without heartbreak; you never had love. And I'm totally and completely grateful for love.

I'm gonna start taking breaks away from life.

And this weekend is the start.
My cousin, Kim, and I will be going Unicorn Hunting.
Ha.
Camping, for real. But for photographic purposes, a unicorn will be involved. :P

I'm pretty excited.
Even if I do end up burning my wrists like I did the last time I camped; I'll be good to go. :)))

I'm almost out of books to read also.
This needs to change.

I wish I lived in a library.

Anyways...
Toodles. :P

Is It Killing You Like It's Killing Me?

I slept for 20 hours yesterday.

I haven't been laid in over a month.

The guy I wanna bone has his ex girlfriend whom he was REALLY REALLY into, writing "Miss ya" on his facebook wall.

And I'm too fuckin high to figure out what his status update means.
"If you listen like I thought you should, you just might get it"

In all reality, it prolly doesn't mean shit; but I'm all, "God, if he goes for another girl while I'm sitting here thinking about kissing him every fuckin day; I just might lose my fuckin mind." And it'd hurt really bad.

I need a life.
A job.
Something to find someone new.
Because this is just fuckin torture waiting around for nothing.

Because we were supposed to hang last week.
But it wasn't good timing. My period, his work/hoes/whatever he's telling me.

It kills me waiting. I keep feeling like he'll never see me again.

But he's still got my DVD; so even if he tried never to see me again; I'll hunt his ass down for that fuckin DVD. Just watch me.

I'm rambling. But that's okay. I need a good ramble. I need a venting spot. Right now I don't care if people read this and think I'm a dumbass or boring. Because this is entertaining the shit out of me right now.

My great aunt, Janet, came down for the week. I'm glad it was only a week.
Her voice is a constant whine.
I hate whiners.
"Heyyyy, I'm soooo sorryyyyyy. I thought that was yourrrrrrssssss."

Shut the fuck up, bitch.

I'm a little hostile, no?

Anyways. The mexicans sang, "Happy Birthday" to my grandma at Don Jose's for her birthday. Except it wasn't "Happy Birthday" at all. It was something with blanca's and whey(sp??)'s. Which means 'white lady' and 'stupid'. So I told my grandma this and Janet is all, "Iiiii don't knowwww. I think that they don't knoowww everyone doesn't speak spanissssssh. I might not knowwww as much Spanish as youuuuu, but they could get in troubleee for thattttttttatatat."

You don't know Spanish, bitch?
Then WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING?!
I hate when dumbass people try to argue with me and say they're "right" and that I'm "wrong" whenever I know that I'm closer to being right than they'll ever be.

Eff her.

I had to spend all day yesterday with her. I went to get my hair cut. I wanted like a "scene" cut. I thought the cut was cute. But my hairdresser apparently didn't so she settled on giving me lots of layers and side bangs. Which wasn't what I wanted, but I look cute for now. When it grows out in 4 months; I'll go to a better stylist.

We went to Red Lobster though afterwards. I've never felt like  I "needed" a drink to deal with people...but I kept staring at the alcoholic beverage menu like a fat bitch watches Cake Boss. I would've killed someone for a Long Island Iced Tea.

Oh wait....while I'm thinking about it....

Attention Country Music Artists:
Please stop making rap into your song. Sugarland, Jason Aldean and Colt Ford for example. I know, I know. It seems like a "fresh and new" idea. Rap AND country. Two great genres in one? That must be great! But guess what? It's horrible. It's like mixing cocaine and meth. Seems like two great drugs, but mixed together and you're going to either die or wish that you were dead.  So please cut it out. It's scary.
Thanks.

Anyways.

I'm done with that.
It's really cold in my room.
And I'm not even halfway dressed like I usually am.

OH! Larry left me alone. For good.
And I haven't cried about it.
That must be a good sign.
Yayayayayayayay!

I wish Eric would text me.... :(

I'm an idiot.
Really though.


I probably need to find something to do.
Adios.

Life Is Just What Happens To You...When You're Busy Making Other Plans

I must be a damn psychic.

Remember when I said that those plans wouldn't go down???
WELL.
Thhhheyyyy didn't.

His cute little Facebook status' keeps saying "KO'd: tangerine dream". I wish I cared enough to write "PO'd: eric". But then he'd have the upper hand. Whoever cares less, controls the relationship....even though we're not in one...well...friends...ish.

But I'm pretty disappointed. Even though I'm on my period anyways, so it's not like I'd get what I REALLY want. He thinks I go over there for the smoke...but I only do that to get what I really want. I want his laugh, his sarcastic jokes, his goofy insecure statements, the feel of his heart beating too fast, the way he smells, the lingering kisses and the rushed touches. Mmm. THAT'S my favorite part.

So, I'm sure we'll hang out soon. But still. It's never often/soon enough for me. Ever.

I hate that I'm so in love with something that will never go anywhere.

Sigh.


On another note, my ex contacted me. Telling me he's not going to be paying off the rest of the electric bill that we owed on when we lived together. He agreed to do it because my parents, grandma and uncle all chipped in to pay for his doctor's visit because he was randomly passing out and throwing up afterwards. But now that I'm being "such a big bitch"; he's declining to pay it.

I'm the bitch?! I'm. The. Bitch.
Asshole.

And not the cute, charming likeable assholes that I love. He's the bad kind.
He's spent weeks accusing me of being a whore and sleeping around with everyone in town, that all my friends are druggies and he's gonna "bust" us when he gets on with the police department (I pray to God that he doesn't) and that I'm a disappointment to my family. And I haven't done a thing to him but ask him to leave me alone.

I think his exact words were: "You're a bitch. And I can't wait until someone you love...like...ohhhh...let's say....YOUR MOTHER!!!...wakes up and tells you to your face how heartless of a fuckin bitch you are. You treat everyone like shit, you fuckin whore!"

It's sweet really. Definitely Hallmark material.

If I were a violent person...I'd drive by his house, get out and beat his face in.

But I'm not.
Too bad.


I'm finally going to be able to go home tomorrow and not be here at my grandma's. Since Andy went and got wi-fi at the house though; I'll be able to keep up with this blog like I've been doing. Which probably won't matter, because in a month or two I'll prolly slack on this like I do every other journal/diary/blog thing. Maybe not though. People do change....Ha...nevermind.

My aunt had surgery on her arm too. It wasn't that gangrene stuff. It was staph. So they went in and cleaned it and she's back to being her normal complaining self-pitying self. Oh joy. But I do love her. And it's better than her being dead. Which if she doesn't stop drinking mason jars full of beer/whiskey with her pain pills; might be soon.

That's about all I got though.
Yup.

It's back to Dexter. I just started on the series. So far, it's good. I can't decide if Michael C. Hall is cute or not though. It's very borderline. Hmm.

Take Everything But The Fire

I'm in a better mood, at least.
That's something.

So, my ex, has backed off a little bit since a few days ago. I maybe get 10 phone calls a day now from him...maybe 7 txt messages. They've kinda migrated from, "Hey, bitch, grow up," to "I don't wanna be your whole life...I just wanna be your favorite part...".

Really?

What. A. Charmer.

I know I should be grateful that he has backed off on the mean stuff, but I think sometimes I'd rather hear it than the suck-up-I-love-you-baby stuff. Because he doesn't love me or he wouldn't hate everything about me. And he doesn't exactly hate everything about me if he's so obsessed with me that he can't think straight. So. He needs to go back on those bipolar meds. That's probably the best thing for him.

Do I want to be his friend anymore?
See.
I wish I could just sit here and say, "Hell no"...but it's hard for me to turn my back on anyone. It's a character flaw, probably. Maybe I'll fix it soon. Because now even thinking about being his friend again makes me wanna throw myself into an on-coming sno-cone truck. Maybe the sno-cone man would take pity on me and give me a free one. Tiger's Blood, baybeh!

Anyways.

SO. I also got to see my Amberz today. :) It wasn't too eventful though. Do you ever have soo many things to tell someone and soo many things to discuss, that you end up freezing on everything you were going to say and end up not talking about anything? Because that's what happened on my part. She kept throwing things out there to discuss and I would, but when it came time to discuss my life I just kept shooting blanks. I gave a quick synopsis on everything. Maybe if I had gave the long version, I could've finished my plum wine. Which, by the way, isn't bad but isn't good. So, that was that. I guess it was good times. Could've been way better though.

I think my little brother's girlfriend broke up with him. But I'm not sure. She wrote on Facebook, "Just want to let everyone know, because I won't be able to get on the internet until Tuesday, but I'm not with Andrew anymore!!!".

Bitch.
Grow up. Stop Facebooking your breakups.

Makes me kinda sad for him, because he thought she was the one and whatnot. They've been together for about 2 years...ish...maybe only a year and a few months. But still. That's a while. He spent almost all his money on her. Bought her a $75 necklace when she was having period cramps. I said Midol was cheaper, but what do I know, right???

Oh well though. Poor, Bubbie. I guess it's back to watching porn on his iPod and chatting it up with girls that were way better than his current girlfriend anyway. They might even be cheaper.

As far as my relationship shit goes...it's going.

HOPEfully, I will get to hang out with a certain someone soon. Even if I am on my period, I will still makeout hardcore. I'm that desperate for some kind of touching. I will be a kissing whore.

And that's that. For now. I suppose. I feel like I still got a lot to say.
But I don't.

Peace. Out.

My name is Talky Tina, and I'm going to kill you

These have NOT been good days.
Not at all.

Well. First...since this is the shortest comment...I wish a certain someone would make plans with me instead of being shady and not messaging me. That'd be nice. I'd rather have someone say, "Uh, no, bitch, I hate you. We're not hanging out," than have someone not respond at all. Okay? Okay.

Next...prepare yourself, because this is going to take a looooong time...Larry. My ex. Oh. The biggest fuck up of my life. I used to think this was too harsh of a statement, because SURELY I'd done something worse than dating him. But no. I resign to the fact that he is definitely my number one fuck up (so far) in life. In the last 3 days, I have received well over 300 missed phone calls. I blocked his number after the first 10 to go straight to my vmail, but then SOMEONE got a little smarter than usual and started calling from a "private number". Okay, so I still know who it is that's calling, but I can't friggin block it anymore. And even though my default ringtone is "Gasoline" by Brand New, and I love it; I had to turn that shit off after about the 30th time it rang. It still vibrates though. Then after he noticed that I wouldn't answer those pesky little "private number" phone calls; he masked his number as the restaurant that I put my application in. Then as one of my friend's that he had the number of. I saw through that little scheme too after I picked up my phone and didn't hear Ed's voice, but instead his voice calling me an "immature little bitch".
On top of that, I have enough vmails that my box is full. Mostly they're saying, "Talk to me. You're a fucking bitch. Grow the hell up.".
Then the text messages I have are all saying how I suck and I ruin his life and how I'm a bitch and how he's coming over if I don't answer my phone and how I'm a whore and obviously sleeping with everyone in a 10 mile radius. On and on and on and on....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

"And what did you do to deserve this?," you ask?

I didn't answer his text message when he wanted me to.

Yup.

So he called me, I picked up, he asked if I were busy, I said no that I was away from my phone because I went to my house to get a new book before I went back to my grandma's, to which he got all condescending again and asshole-y and said, "Riiiiiiiight. I'm sure you're not hanging with your friends, huh?". So I hung up. Because he has accused me of being in the wrong for answering my phone when I'm with him. And that's a PROBLEM, apparently. Since when can't I answer a fuckin text message? Huh?

HE'S NOT EVEN MY BOYFRIEND ANYMORE!

He kept asking me about who I'm sleeping with now as if he's going to hunt the guy down or something. I am sleeping with someone, but he doesn't know that. And he doesn't need to know. He acts as if I'm supposed to follow his rules.

And the thing that pisses me off the most about this whole situation......he put me through hell in our relationship. He emotionally, sexually and verbally abused me.
And I'm the bad person?
I'm a bad person because sometimes I'm sarcastic?
I'm a bad person because I'm not always around my phone?
I'm a bad person because I decided to move on from a relationship?

I know I'm not without my faults. I may not even realize them all. But I NEVER treated him the way he treated me. I wanted to be friends after our break-up, because that's how I usually am. But he's made me second guess that. I can't take him driving by my house at night. I keep having nightmares that he finds me out alone and tries to hurt me. And I think he would for real.

I just want it to stop.

If he doesn't stop in the next day...I'm going to the police station with this.
I don't care if all they do is go by his house and tell him to stop.
I'll take anything.



Then, on top of that, my aunt went to the doctor's today. Her ex-drug dealer boyfriend (she's the "black sheep", by the way) pushed her back in December and messed up her shoulder almost beyond repair. Well since then she has done a poor job of taking care of it. And now her doctor says she has grangrene in her arm and it's going to have to be amputated.
So, of course, she shows up at our home drunk. Well, my grandma's home, because that's where I've been lately.

She waited for about an hour and then quietly gathered her stuff and walked home. But we didn't know she left. We didn't even know where she went. So we freaked out. My mom and grandma didn't really care where she went...well they did...but they weren't the ones that wanted to go look for her; I was. So we went to some janky house and then ended up by her apartment. She was hiding in her own closet from us. Really? Reallllly??? So after she complained for over an hour about how we hate her and how we judge her and think she's a pill-head and drunk (which, she is), she finally got out and went into her house with her weird sex buddy/friend/druggie/guy that's supposed to have left 2 months ago because she "hates" him whatever-he-is.

Gah.

But...my brother helped me put a new Windows 7 OS in my computer today because the other one was major suck and I'm basically finished transferring all my files back. My itunes is all that i have left. Since I have over 6,000 songs...it should only take...oh....3 hours to transfer. But it's worth it.


My rant is done.
For now.


----Courtney :)