So I Started Smoking, Thought The Signals Would Scare Your Walls Away

Yesterday...er...well...technically two days ago now, my cousin, Kim, had her wedding.
Dum Dum dumdummm...
Dumb.

My favorite part was when my brother whispered, "Always the bridesmaid and never the bride, eh?"
But hey, everyone said I was prettier than anyone else in the bridal party. I ain't bragging though because my competition wasn't much.

Her wedding was Asian themed. Just like everything else in her life.
In almost all of her wedding photos she's doing the, "I hate this shit" face.
So.
I'm guessing she hated it.
But she's a Tritch now instead of a Keeling.
We're all growing up.

Sigh.

I think I'll teach my kid to savor being a kid because after high school, I swear it's the peak of the mountain and then you come back down to earth. Until you're eventually on the ground that they'll bury you in.

Cynical? Eh, who gives a fuck?

Ole Jinger said Eric was trying to fuck her lately.
It's hard for me to think Eric is really being this big of an asshole.
I always knew he was one...but this is ridiculous. It's like he has no soul.

Maybe he doesn't?

I wish I could give up on it, but for my kid's sake, I'm not going to. I'll get child support because he WILL take responsibility one way or another. So, treat me bad, buddy, because your day will come. That karma you like to talk about is about to bite you in the ass.

I just want peace.

And a good lay.
Which is what got me in this position...but hey...I can't get pregnant twice.

And this Trevor kid has been looking pretty cute lately. So we'll see where that goes.
But I'm really just not into dating seriously or thinking of a guy seriously at all for a while.
I need some time to myself. And for this kid that I'm in no way prepared for.

Some days I feel like I wish I had never got pregnant. Some days I come to terms with it and a smile appears on my face. Some days I feel stressed because of the financial situation I'm in. Some days I feel so blissful, I can barely keep a tear from happening.

I wish I could just keep the thoughts at bay and stay consistently happy.
Maybe when the baby comes, the thoughts will clear and I'll be able to think nothing but how happy I am to be a mother.

I wanted to be a young mom anyway.

I just wish I had some support.
And a hand to hold through it.

It sucks being alone all the time. And though I keep my walls up, and I look like I'm joking about my situation; it's just a front so that I don't have a mental breakdown.

Because it sucks feeling like someone cared about you and now doesn't.
It sucks knowing you were just solely used and someone care soooo little for you that even when you're carrying half of their DNA inside of you, they still ignore you. But they have time to text skanks and ask them to come over. His life is going on and he's not ever thinking about it, but everyday I'm stuck feeling restless but too fatigued to move. I'm the one suffering. And some days, I can't take it. I just wanna crawl into a hole and die. Because life is so hard. I try to be brave and pretend that I can conquer everything, but lately, I'm too fragile to try. I feel like I've lost a battle. I feel like I'm stuck in life with no way out. And my kid's going to suffer from my mistakes because his/her father is someone that I chose to sleep with. It's my fault that they're stuck with a piece of shit guy in their life who's never going to be there.

Maybe it'll get better though.

Maybe it's the hormones talking.

Hopefully.

Court