My God, You Tempt My Anxious Mind...

"1957" by Milo Greene...listen to it and love it.

So here I am.
Again.
Staring at this computer screen with so much to say and no way to say it.

I always feel like this. Trapped. Everything that I want to say, I surpress and keep quiet.
And I hate it.
I hate that I can't tell people what I want to say because I feel like I'll annoy them, chase them away or make them dislike me.

Actually, now that I'm on the subject (and because I'm afraid of another rambling blog with no valuable content), I'll write the top things I'd like to say to a few people.

So, it's like venting, but it's also safe. And maybe if it's good enough; I'll say it to their face.


Person of Interest Numbero Uno:
I'm not stupid. I know when you use me. I know when you lie to me. You think you're clever. I don't know if you think this because of your narcisisstic character flaw or since you're older than me, you think you have the upper hand.
Neither really matters.
You don't take me seriously. You don't see me as an equal. You don't respect me or take my feelings into question.
I changed myself to be what I thought you wanted me to be and then you didn't want it.
Now I don't know who I am anymore. I can't tell if I'm being myself or if I'm being you.
As long as you're happy, that's all that matters.
And you think that I'm dumb enough to fall for your lies and let you kiss me...but I know you're lying...and I know I'm dumb too, because I still kiss you.
I fell in a sort of love with you years ago, and those immature feelings still linger.
I hate it. I hate that I still feel attached to you whenever you forget me before I even arrive.
I'm afraid that you'll forget me forever and you'll never speak to me again.
But I don't know why. I don't know what I'm holding out for.
For you to love me?
No, because I know you never could. And even if by some cosmic chance you decided too; you'd fail me by cheating or by pushing me away.
For friendship?
No, because I can't trust you and you don't care about me.
So what?
I'm holding onto nothing, just hoping that the final damage isn't that bad.
I'll continue to talk to you, but I don't know why or if I even should.
I'm sorry that I'm not what you wanted in a girl.
I'm sorry that I let you kiss me.
I'm sorry that I wasted emotion-filled kisses on you.
I'm sorry that you were on my mind for 3 years straight, almost on a daily basis.
I'm sorry that you hate yourself.
Because even though you're an asshole, you still deserve love.
But since you believe in karma, I'm hoping that when you do fall in love, she treats you the way you treated me.


Person of Interest Numbero 2!:
I like you.
Every time we're in a room together, I wanna be as close to you as I can get.
I've imagined kissing you a thousand times.
I'm afraid that I'm not pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough for you.
I'm afraid that by saying how I feel, we'll ruin our friendship.
And even though it's not been that long of one; I still don't wanna lose it.
It's been a really long time since I've felt like myself around a guy. I can say anything to you and not feel judged.
I hope that our relationship will continue to bloom.
Even if it is slow.
I can deal with slow torture just as long as I get you in the end. ;)

Person of Interest Numbah Tree:
I know I've disappointed you.
I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can say.
But my flaws aren't a reflection of you.
They're a reflection of my humanity.
I'm an adult now and I can make my own mistakes and decisions.
You're worried that I'm making the wrong ones, and sometimes I feel like I am too.
Please forgive me for who I am today.
I'll try to make it up to you tomorrow.

Person of Interest Number F-F-F-ourrrrr:
I'm jealous of you.
Completely.
You're my best friend.
Everyone loves you. Everyone invites you to parties, asks where you're at, asks about your life and smiles when they see you.
I feel like a copycat of you even though I'm not.
We're so alike that it's hard for me to be myself. I don't want others who knew you before me to think that I'm trying to be something I'm not.
You're beautiful and you have an amazing heart.
I admire your strength in character and that you smile so brightly even though you've lost so much.



Well, that's all I got for right now.
I'll add later if I can think of anything else.


So...quick life update....
Been working a lot...well, not a lot actually. I've been giving shifts away. But that's stupid because I need the money. Lazy, yes?
Blake hit on me alllll night on Halloween when I wore my police outfit.
But he's been kinda stand-offish since then. I don't know if he's trying to push me away or if I'm just reading too much into it.
I'm going to assume the latter, because I do it with everything.
I'll just chill and take my time on that.

Wish me luck! :)
Court