Some asshole sang that once.
Pft.
I'm feeling down. Hoping that writing whatever I got in my head at the moment will help release this tight grip on my stomach.
Probably not though.
So my ex boyfriend, Bryan, decided that he misses me.
Wants me to come see him in Texas in August so he can kiss me and the such.
He broke up with his girlfriend, but her family hates her in Arizona, so he let her stay until she could find somewhere else to go.
Which makes me hesitate.
Everything about him makes me hesitate.
Like, how can you say you love me so much and so easily when I haven't talked to you in months? And haven't said I love you in years?
It's hard to wake up and see his name on my phone and to see, "It's okay. I love you".
Does he?
Because i fell for that once before.
Twice before.
Almost three times before.
Aw, what am I kidding myself? I did fall the third time.
Stupid me.
He always sets me up to fail. Always makes me believe in his words, just to tear them away at the last moment.
Says he loves me the whole time until his next sentence is "I've found the one"; and it's not me.
It's Megan. It's Jesse. It's Brianne.
It's anyone but me.
"I've given you my best/why does she get the best of you?"
Ha.
Oh, country music lyrics. How depressing. But fitting.
I don't know if I can allow myself to trust again. To go. To stay for a week in his arms, in his bed, with his words hanging in the air. Him telling me not to leave. Telling me to move in with him because he misses me. Telling me that he loves me over and over again.
Gah.
Why do I feel like I'm ready to break?
I feel on the verge of tears everyday.
Eric still hasn't answered me. But he's been online everyday active on Facebook. Guess he's done with me.
And that's that.
Two years spent on wishful thinking...this whole 6 months of feeling deeper feelings for someone who was ready to let me go the whole time.
I wish men were cursed to love the people they have sex with.
Because then it'd make it easier for me to say that I'll be okay.
I'm not alright.
Not at all.
I just want to disappear.
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It's that feeling of missing what you once had. The human spirit is not adapt to change. If it's not broken then why fix it? But if it is broken let's pretend like it's not. First love?
ReplyDeleteIt hurts, trust me. Most of my blog are scribbled down words about the ghost of the girl that I used to love...and that used to love me. "Things change, people grow." Words that I dismissed when I first heard them. I don't know you, but I feel like I know your situation. Don't feel relieved to let repetition save you, because it will just lead to heartbreak again.
Just ask yourself, is it worth the risk? Is getting your heart broken again worth knowing if this is meant to be? In question lies the answer...