If you can't be with the one you love; then be with everyone

Some asshole sang that once.
Pft.

I'm feeling down. Hoping that writing whatever I got in my head at the moment will help release this tight grip on my stomach.

Probably not though.

So my ex boyfriend, Bryan, decided that he misses me.
Wants me to come see him in Texas in August so he can kiss me and the such.
He broke up with his girlfriend, but her family hates her in Arizona, so he let her stay until she could find somewhere else to go.
Which makes me hesitate.
Everything about him makes me hesitate.
Like, how can you say you love me so much and so easily when I haven't talked to you in months? And haven't said I love you in years?
It's hard to wake up and see his name on my phone and to see, "It's okay. I love you".
Does he?
Because i fell for that once before.
Twice before.
Almost three times before.
Aw, what am I kidding myself? I did fall the third time.
Stupid me.

He always sets me up to fail. Always makes me believe in his words, just to tear them away at the last moment.
Says he loves me the whole time until his next sentence is "I've found the one"; and it's not me.
It's Megan. It's Jesse. It's Brianne.
It's anyone but me.

"I've given you my best/why does she get the best of you?"
Ha.
Oh, country music lyrics. How depressing. But fitting.

I don't know if I can allow myself to trust again. To go. To stay for a week in his arms, in his bed, with his words hanging in the air. Him telling me not to leave. Telling me to move in with him because he misses me. Telling me that he loves me over and over again.
Gah.

Why do I feel like I'm ready to break?
I feel on the verge of tears everyday.

Eric still hasn't answered me. But he's been online everyday active on Facebook. Guess he's done with me.
And that's that.
Two years spent on wishful thinking...this whole 6 months of feeling deeper feelings for someone who was ready to let me go the whole time.
I wish men were cursed to love the people they have sex with.
Because then it'd make it easier for me to say that I'll be okay.

I'm not alright.
Not at all.

I just want to disappear.

What's Your Guilty Pleasure?

Because I have a bunch. Hehe. ;P

ANYways though. The last few days have been quite uneventful and sad.

I texted Eric to hang, and he was all, "blah blah, maybe Monday at the earliest, blah". I feel like he's just kinda done. "Don't you have any dicks in the 'gould you can have until I'm available?" It's nice to know the guy you're sleeping with and secretly wanna love is TOTALLY fine with you fucking other people and actually encourages it. Douche.

But Larry finally said something to me
He's not a cop!!!!
The best news ever.

But he kept calling me a whore and stuff.
So I politely told him that me calling him "stupid" would never be as bad as what he did to me. To which he said he "felt guilty about" and blah blah fuckin blah. He only cares about himself.
I dont' know why I expected him to actually feel something for me for once.
I don't know why I expected a decent apology.

I didn't get one though.
He just said stuff like, "I hope God gives me what I deserve..."
Wanting me to feel bad for HIM.
Fuck him.
I don't feel bad at all.
And I DO hope God gives him what he deserves.
Asshole.

I got bored and went on that Omegle website again.
I know, I know. haha. Bad choice.
But I met some guy named Corneliu from Romania on there.
Very interesting.
It's cool talking to people who see the world from a different perspective.
I think Americans think too much about themselves.
Like, there, everyone knows at least two different languages, but here, if you don't know english; we just think you should. We're not trying to learn yours. ha.
It's been interesting conversations though.
He's very attractive. ha.
But he's soooo far away.

Why do I always meet hot amazing men online that live at least 100 miles away?

The internet is evil, I swear.

I'm still not desperate enough again though to try another long distant relationship. Nope. Never worth it.

I'll just continue being a walking door mat for the ones that live closer.

Sigh.

I'm done.
Peace.