The Bandwagon's Full, But Ya'll Can Run Behind It. Sorry.

"Rushing, rushing until life is no fun.
All I gotta do is live and die;
But I'm in a hurry and don't know why."

Yes, Alabama. This IS how I feel today. Thanks for the artisitic contribution.

Anyways.

Eff the whole Blake situation.
He's a little boy.
He even goes out of his way to not talk to me.

Dumb.

However, his little girlfriend (whom I like sorta), is being EXTREMELY nice. And that worries me. Because Andy's girlfriend, who knows her, says she's a fake person. And if so, I'm not wasting my time to try to be good aquaintances with her just so she can lie to my face.
I'm worth more than that.

So.
It's his problem.

I'm sorry I wasted my time being his friend now. Because we were close....

....but not as close as I was to Eric last night.

Which...he is actually being extra nice lately. Asking to hang out more and treating me better and vice versa. Maybe this is going in a good direction. Or maybe it's the right direction in a shitty vehicle, but it's still worth the trip. I think I'll chance it.

Also, I've come to appreciate myself more.
I am beautiful.
And I'm strong.
And I've lost 20+ lbs already. :)

So really...right now...my life is just...simply... :)


Court

I Loved You Then And I Love You Now

Things that have happened this last week?

Last Monday:
Car didn't start.
Took mom's van.
Picked up Jocelyn and Blake.
Went to Mitchell's.
O.o
Got stoned.
Drew pictures on his "living room" wall with highlighters while the blacklight was on. My picture of choice? A penis, of course. Teeheehee.
Tried a water bong.
Decided not to try a water bong again after seeing Blake inhale a shit ton of water and after tasting the most disgusting hit ever.
Called Kum n' Go (A gas station, not a porn shop) for fried chicken while high.
Went to Kum n' Go.
Saw cops.
Decided fried chicken wasn't all that important.
Drove around in the rain in a minivan completely baked until going home.

The rest of the week was a blur. Mostly involving Blake and/or Jocelyn and/or alcohol/weed.

I worked on Thanksgiving. It was so lame. 
Kristyn had a party planned for that night, and I had plans to go.
And I did.
So I bought some vodka for my friends, picked up Rodney and Blake and went.

It started off good.
A couple of shots.
A few passes of the joint.
I started being loud and shouty.
I remember telling Jocelyn that she needed to stay a virgin.

Then the night went bad.
I started throwing up every 20 minutes almost.
Luckily, I made it to the bathroom every time.
Even when Kristyn was using the actual toliet, she held my hair back while I puked in her bathtub while saying, "Do you need bread? I think bread fixes everything..."
After puking, I went in the living room and passed out on the floor ala superman style.
Jocelyn, of course, started kicking me and trying to get me to "lick Blake's asshole" because "it tastes like Strawberry Cake".

Whatever.

I drove home. Even though I shouldn't have.
And I regretted drinking.
Probably won't be doing that again.

The next day, I went to Blake's and hung out with him for a bit.

Then Saturday night, I went to Eric's. :)
So stupid, I know.
I tried to blow him off.
I told him I picked Blake over him to hang out with.
And he STILL wanted me to come over.
So I did.
And he let me stay the night this time. AGAIN.
He NEVER lets me stay. He always kicks me out.
But this time he let me stay the whole night, undisturbed.
And whenever I said I had to leave, he checked his phone to make sure we didn't have extra time.

So, I'm not getting my hopes up or anything, but I'm hoping that these are maybe prospecting signs for the future of this very unhealthy, staggering relationship.
And if it's not a good sign, maybe all this hanging with Blake stuff will pay off.

But he is a kid. And I know he wants to explore. So I know the chances of that are dismal.

Blah.

On another hand, I learned that Olay ProX Professional sucks balls.
I've been on Proactive/BareMinerals since I was 13. But that's expensive products for a waitress in Arkansas, so I decided to try other things.
I thought, for the first two weeks, that Olay would pay off because it was cleaning out my blackheads and smoothing my skin out. However, it never cleared my skin and actually caused it to break out more. I don't know if it's the skin care regimen or the Revlon makeup. I'm switching both though. I decided to try AcneFree Severe because it has benzoyl peroxide like Proactive and I know that Proactive at least worked at managing my acne even if it didn't clear me 100%. And I'm thinking about picking up some Smashbox foundation tomorrow since I'm saving money on my skin care regime (I went from $60/month to $22/month :D).

I always get super excited about makeup/body products/skin care products.
I could spend $1,000 on the crap.
The other girls can have their shoes. I want their makeup.


Oh, P.S., Eric mentioned moving to Oregon maybe. It bums me out.
I need to learn to get unattached so that I won't miss him.
He backtracked Saturday a little and said it was a 50% chance of him going.
But that's still 50% more than I like.
Hopefully, he doesn't go.

Maybe.

Maybe that'd be the only way for me to get over him though.
For him to leave.

Hm.

Some Boys Don't Know How To Love

Ain't it the truth, eh?
ha.

So I'm less depressed. Kinda cool. I'm not sure if it's the pot or the life. But whatever it is, it's working. :)

I've been hanging out with Blake lately.
He's 17.
I'm 21.
I'm sorry.

He really makes me feel giddy though. Like I'm 16 again and my heart was never broken. I just wanna be near him all the time. Hear him. See his face.
But I'm gonna keep that a secret for now. ;)

It feels good to actually have a halfway decent relationship with a guy.

I went to talk to Eric.
Jinger contacted me again. Stupid bitch.
She dogged him pretty hardcore.
Saying he was bad in bed and she was too pretty for him and he was ugly and had an old man gut really bad...blah blah blah.
She said that he basically said I was a whore that he was using for money.

So I went to his house and asked him about it.
I wasn't even gonna bring it up because of course he's gonna focus on the gossipy girl part where I look bad for even responding to Jinger about anything at all. Of course I looked catty. Of course I looked immature. But I HAD to know if he said that stuff.

He said no.
But who would say yes?

He just said no to sleep with me.
And I wasn't going to sleep with him.
I even didn't shave my legs so that I wouldn't be tempted.
But I did it anyway.

And now I feel stupid.
He's just using me.
And I'm not even sure that I like him that much.
Not as much as Blake anyway.

I think I'm finally over the Eric bridge.
Woohoo.

I gotta go to a wedding later this week. Hopefully, it's fun.

Buuuuuuutttttttt.................igottago...
Take care, ya'll :) Thanks for reading!!!

Listen Friends, the only thing that's gonna happen, is that we're gonna eat each other up alive!

Great words to live by, eh?
Ha.

I'm better today.
A few days of solitude, Japanese food, Twilight Zone marathons and Lucero will do that for you.
And I'm grateful.

I might be a damn psychic. For real.
Bryan ended up flaking.....AGAIN.
Who didn't see this coming?

I texted him for, like, 5 days straight and nada. Nothing. Not even a, "Hi".
So I guess he went back to his girlfriend.
Or at least back away from me.

I dodged a bullet probably.

Eric did contact me. Said we'd hang out in the next couple of days.
I won't hold my breath though.

It's almost as if these last few weeks of him being an ass to me have opened my eyes. It let my heart go a little bit. I feel a little bit more in control. I don't feel fragile and ready to break.

I never should've felt that way to begin with.
I'm a strong girl.
WELL...a girl who's average and pretends to be strong.
But I shouldn't let such a weak man take me down.
Mhmmm.

I'm grateful for every breath I take in. Every song I get to sing outloud in the shower. Every kiss my dog gives me (even if he's only doing it because he smells food). Every punch on the arm my little brother gives me. Every heartbreak. Because without heartbreak; you never had love. And I'm totally and completely grateful for love.

I'm gonna start taking breaks away from life.

And this weekend is the start.
My cousin, Kim, and I will be going Unicorn Hunting.
Ha.
Camping, for real. But for photographic purposes, a unicorn will be involved. :P

I'm pretty excited.
Even if I do end up burning my wrists like I did the last time I camped; I'll be good to go. :)))

I'm almost out of books to read also.
This needs to change.

I wish I lived in a library.

Anyways...
Toodles. :P