It's Not Like I Believe In Everlasting Love

What's up, bitches???!!!

I really don't care.
Shut up.

Anyways.
This weekend was HELL. And I don't mean the fun kind where Satan greets you with Northern Lights ready in the bong and asks you if you wanna speak to Hitler (Note to readers: I am not a communists nor am I supporting it. So shut the fuck up.). The hell I'm talking about is...well...picture this: Four women in a car. But wait! It gets worse. Two of those women are in their early 40's and one is my mother, one is in her late 60's and is bossy and the other is me. We all set off for an adventure.

We were going to see my aunt in Little Rock. She had surgery on her shoulder because she likes to get pushed around by men on a daily basis. (Which...quick interruption...this is the thing that pisses me off most about her. She will let a man say and do anything to her just so she doesn't have to be alone. Is it really all the bad to be alone? I don't think so.) But she forgot to let us know that the doc's were sending her home with us.

She asked. She said she didn't...but she knew we were coming, getting a nice hotel and eating out. Oh, and she knew my grandma had pain pills. So she probably begged them to let her go. And she even almost admitted to us that she did. The whole time she was crying and being a bitch because we wouldn't talk about her. She always wants to talk about her and her struggles and her horrible life and the boyfriend she had that died.

And it took EVERY fuckin ounce of me not to cuss her out. I'm tired of it.

Her stuggles are brought on by herself. She is the reason she is where she is. She chose to marry a man who dealt drugs and beat her and molested her. She went back to him every time. Even up to the point where he died. And she repeated that process. She stayed pilled up and drunk most of the time. She lets her druggie friends live with her. And she was sleeping around with the guy that broke her shoulder because he provided her with weed and occasional meth. So she wants me to feel sympathy for her because she made bad choices??? She doesn't even realize she does. She blames everyone else. She blames my grandma. My grandma who's been raising her and continues to even though the bitch is 40-something years old. She buys her dinners, meals at expensive restaurants, gives her pain pills (my aunt even steals them from her), and gives her money to pay rent and buy appliances. She does everything. But my aunt is still ungrateful for it. She still blames her problems on my grandma. Which makes me wanna slap her.

She wants everyone to feel sorry for her because her upper arm and shoulder probably won't work ever again.
But it's her own fuckin fault.
I feel bad because of her injury. But I refuse to give her the sympathy she wants.

She wants everyone to feel sorry for her because her "fiance", David, died 2 years ago.

The truth?
She wanted liquor and/or drugs. Neither of them had a car, but she had an electric powered wheelchair. So she begged him to get on it and go for it. He didn't want to go. Kept saying he had a bad feeling. Well she made him. And he got hit by a kid because it was dark outside and he was on a dark, less travelled road. He laid in a ditch for 30 minutes before anyone came. He was hit so hard, his feet came off.
My aunt cried saying he was the only man she loved.

But BEFORE he got hit; she was ready to kick him out. Kept saying he was a bum without a job. Kept saying that she'd never marry his ass because he's a no good lazy man.

But now that he's dead....he was the "man of her dreams". She just wants something to hang onto. Something for people to say, "Oh, she's had such a hard, hard life."

I can't find sympathy for her.
When I was five, she'd take me to drug dealers houses to get high. She'd leave me in rooms with convicted child molesters. She'd have sex with her ex's while we spent the night. She'd take too many pain pills, and fall asleep with cigarettes in her hand. When I was 15, she took meth and then made me believe someone was coming over to beat her up. She had the cops come over and everything. And I believed her because I didn't know she was high. But then she started pouring salt everywhere, and I finally realized what had happened. And slowly I started to remember all the similar times that she did the same things when I was a child.

I'm tired of it. If she wants people to help her; she needs to stop pushing them away. If she wants people to believe she's not a druggie; she needs to stop stealing the last pain pill from my mom and grandma who actually needs them.

Go to fuckin rehab. Grow up.
I'm just glad she never had kids. She fucked my brother and I up enough with her shit. If she had had kids; they would've had to see it every day.

And today in the car she was upset because my grandma will be having necessary knee surgery in 2 weeks and won't be able to take care of her for the last 5 weeks of her healing process.

Really???

Stupid shit.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.

Sooooo much anger towards her today.

Then I come home and I hear my brother telling my mom and dad that I'm a lazy bitch without a job. I cussed him out pretty hardcore. And then took a nap. He apologized. But he's a dumbass.

I'm still upset, as you can tell.

It'll all be better in time, I'm sure.

And I've come to the conclusion that I'm completely in love with Eric. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't. I tried to because I know he'll never have feelings for me. But I don't care anymore. I'm just going to admit it and stop fighting it. And if he breaks my heart (which he probably will); I'll just move on like I do from every other shit relationship.

This one isn't even the worst. I may have done/keep doing dumb shit to be near him; but at least we're sorta friends and I enjoy his company.

Still, I'm stupid.
Ha.


God.
Sleep.

My name is Talky Tina, and I'm going to kill you

These have NOT been good days.
Not at all.

Well. First...since this is the shortest comment...I wish a certain someone would make plans with me instead of being shady and not messaging me. That'd be nice. I'd rather have someone say, "Uh, no, bitch, I hate you. We're not hanging out," than have someone not respond at all. Okay? Okay.

Next...prepare yourself, because this is going to take a looooong time...Larry. My ex. Oh. The biggest fuck up of my life. I used to think this was too harsh of a statement, because SURELY I'd done something worse than dating him. But no. I resign to the fact that he is definitely my number one fuck up (so far) in life. In the last 3 days, I have received well over 300 missed phone calls. I blocked his number after the first 10 to go straight to my vmail, but then SOMEONE got a little smarter than usual and started calling from a "private number". Okay, so I still know who it is that's calling, but I can't friggin block it anymore. And even though my default ringtone is "Gasoline" by Brand New, and I love it; I had to turn that shit off after about the 30th time it rang. It still vibrates though. Then after he noticed that I wouldn't answer those pesky little "private number" phone calls; he masked his number as the restaurant that I put my application in. Then as one of my friend's that he had the number of. I saw through that little scheme too after I picked up my phone and didn't hear Ed's voice, but instead his voice calling me an "immature little bitch".
On top of that, I have enough vmails that my box is full. Mostly they're saying, "Talk to me. You're a fucking bitch. Grow the hell up.".
Then the text messages I have are all saying how I suck and I ruin his life and how I'm a bitch and how he's coming over if I don't answer my phone and how I'm a whore and obviously sleeping with everyone in a 10 mile radius. On and on and on and on....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

"And what did you do to deserve this?," you ask?

I didn't answer his text message when he wanted me to.

Yup.

So he called me, I picked up, he asked if I were busy, I said no that I was away from my phone because I went to my house to get a new book before I went back to my grandma's, to which he got all condescending again and asshole-y and said, "Riiiiiiiight. I'm sure you're not hanging with your friends, huh?". So I hung up. Because he has accused me of being in the wrong for answering my phone when I'm with him. And that's a PROBLEM, apparently. Since when can't I answer a fuckin text message? Huh?

HE'S NOT EVEN MY BOYFRIEND ANYMORE!

He kept asking me about who I'm sleeping with now as if he's going to hunt the guy down or something. I am sleeping with someone, but he doesn't know that. And he doesn't need to know. He acts as if I'm supposed to follow his rules.

And the thing that pisses me off the most about this whole situation......he put me through hell in our relationship. He emotionally, sexually and verbally abused me.
And I'm the bad person?
I'm a bad person because sometimes I'm sarcastic?
I'm a bad person because I'm not always around my phone?
I'm a bad person because I decided to move on from a relationship?

I know I'm not without my faults. I may not even realize them all. But I NEVER treated him the way he treated me. I wanted to be friends after our break-up, because that's how I usually am. But he's made me second guess that. I can't take him driving by my house at night. I keep having nightmares that he finds me out alone and tries to hurt me. And I think he would for real.

I just want it to stop.

If he doesn't stop in the next day...I'm going to the police station with this.
I don't care if all they do is go by his house and tell him to stop.
I'll take anything.



Then, on top of that, my aunt went to the doctor's today. Her ex-drug dealer boyfriend (she's the "black sheep", by the way) pushed her back in December and messed up her shoulder almost beyond repair. Well since then she has done a poor job of taking care of it. And now her doctor says she has grangrene in her arm and it's going to have to be amputated.
So, of course, she shows up at our home drunk. Well, my grandma's home, because that's where I've been lately.

She waited for about an hour and then quietly gathered her stuff and walked home. But we didn't know she left. We didn't even know where she went. So we freaked out. My mom and grandma didn't really care where she went...well they did...but they weren't the ones that wanted to go look for her; I was. So we went to some janky house and then ended up by her apartment. She was hiding in her own closet from us. Really? Reallllly??? So after she complained for over an hour about how we hate her and how we judge her and think she's a pill-head and drunk (which, she is), she finally got out and went into her house with her weird sex buddy/friend/druggie/guy that's supposed to have left 2 months ago because she "hates" him whatever-he-is.

Gah.

But...my brother helped me put a new Windows 7 OS in my computer today because the other one was major suck and I'm basically finished transferring all my files back. My itunes is all that i have left. Since I have over 6,000 songs...it should only take...oh....3 hours to transfer. But it's worth it.


My rant is done.
For now.


----Courtney :)