Turn On The Lights In Here Baby, Extra Bright, I Want Ya'll To See This

So. It's been a while since I've written a blog. I apologize.
I told you I was bad at this shit though. So you shouldn't be surprised.

I've been avoiding the computer since I got my job.
I'm back at DickSuck Cafe AKA Dixie Cafe.
So I've got my friends back. Even made some new ones. Been to a few parties. Smoked too much and didn't drink enough.

It's been pretty fun actually. And I'm waaaaay less depressed.

Eric Update?
WELL.
I get added by a girl named Jinger (stripper name, amIrightttt???). She starts asking me about my life and how I know her; so I tell her. We went to school together and did a few school plays together. She called me pretty on a bus once when I was 12. So we start talking and she wants to hang out. She asked me about Eric. And I was like, "We're friends". But then she started asking a bunch of other questions.

See. I don't like girls. Girls are manipulative, insecure and immature. Usually. I thought maybe she was different. So I told her. Everything. About how Eric and I have hooked up for almost 3 years. About how I used to like him. She basically called me a slut. You know how girls are mean in a "nice" way??? That's what she did. "Well, you and him never dated. All he wanted from you was to fuck. So you should be okay if we start dating, right?," "I just don't want you to get hurt...I feel soooo bad, but how could you sleep with a guy and NOT be in a relationship...for that long??," and blah blah blah. I wanted to hit her. With a car. No. A Semi.

I didn't wanna talk to her anymore after all the questions. But then she said he and her were talking. And I felt like shit for sharing all the info that I did with her. I wish she had told me what she wanted to begin with. Because she started getting really insecure afterwards. She'd text me RIGHT after I'd text him. So I guess he told her I was talking to him. Maybe they even had a game.

She kept trying to set me up with her "good friend" Zach. After two seconds of texting him though; I found out he was always "barred out" on zanax, was married (but seperated, as if that makes it better at the age of 24) and had a kid that he didn't take care of. Great guy, Jinger. Thanks for throwing him my way. ;D NOT.

I sent Eric a message when I was stoned telling him that I had feelings for him. Which is true. But I need to learn to keep it to myself. Guess Jinger heard about it because she let me know that Eric didn't wanna talk to me ever again and that he didn't wanna be my friend anymore because I "messed up". So I sent an apology message the next day after I sobered up.

And I stopped messsaging that bitch.
For real.
She's crazy, right?
She tried to insinuate that I was a drama starter for talking about relationships. But SHE messaged me on Facebook first, SHE asked about Eric first, she continued to ask about him even after I changed the subject many many times...so how am I the drama starter??
She needs to get her life checked out.
If she wants to walk around like she's a saint, she might wanna take the dick out of her mouth first.
That's all I'm saying.

So I've been ignoring her. And funny thing is, Eric is still talking to me. So I guess someone lied. Hmm.

And another weird thing? The other day the Zach guy changed his profile picture to one of him kissing Jinger. So. I don't know if her and Eric are dating anymore, nor do I care, but it's just a really weird coincidence that it happened. And I feel crazy for thinking she used him as a plot to get me out of the Eric picture (because she knew we had hooked up 3 weeks before she started talking to me), but I think she totally did. He hasn't made any effort to text me and he never really acted like he was into it anyway.

Drama, drama. I was supposed to be out of high school already. Pretty sad when a 21 year old has more of a grip on reality than two 25 year olds.

I feel bad for Eric though if he decides to get in a relationship with that crazy bitch. That'll be another failed relationship for him to add to his abundant list.

That's about all that's happened though.

Oh! New crush update!

This guy I work with, Blake, is totally cute. I kinda wanna makeout with him. He's got that sarcastic edge I like. :D BUT....he's 17. EWWWWWW.

Oh well....

Take care!!!!

Court

I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked

I write because I can.

And obviously someone is liking it, because I see ya clicking on here. That's right, bitch. You there. I see you.

So, I'm pretty excited to start "working-out" tomorrow. I plan on jogging for at least a few miles 5 days out of the week so that I can lose at least 30/40 lbs by next year for my cousin's wedding. It may be her wedding; but I wanna be the hottest one there. I have a reputation to live up to. And I need to get a date before I go. So I'm hoping that if I can get extra cute; I can convince someone to go with me....sober.

I hate clicking on Facebook pages and seeing ex's flirt with the guy I like. I wanna crawl in a hole and die. It's like, "Yeah, I know he had his dick in you and you both like tattoos. Please stop flirting with him though because lately his dick has been in me and it makes me wanna barf when you do it so publicly."

But whatever.
I'm just a piece of ass to him anyway.
So maybe I should get over it.
Because he'll prolly end up back with them again anyway.
Or someone else.
That's not me.

So.

I should breathe and ignore it.

*sigh*

I haven't done anything amazing lately. So if you were planning on reading something just completely mind-boggling; I've failed you. Or you've failed yourself for clicking on here in the first place. I'll go with the latter. Less guilt for me.

I'm hoping to get out of my boy depression soon.

OHHHHH.
But wait!

I haven't slept with that many people.
Not many AT ALL.
So what are the chances that my little brother ends up working with one of the guys I have???
My brother has been talking to him for weeks without even knowing.
And today he decides to tell everyone at his work that he had anal sex with me.

I'm not saying this is a gross thing.
I'm not knocking it for those of you that do it.
But I'm NOT for that.
NOT at all.
It just sounds like hemroids waiting to happen.
And gay.

And if I had done it; then okay, I'd prolly be pissed still that he was telling a bunch of strangers....but because I haven't; I'm extra pissed.

I wish my brother weren't such a pussy and would beat his face in.

I may do it for him though.

I hate sex-ers and tellers.
And that's why I'll be putting my app in to be a nun.
Please, Pope, let me in so I can masturbate all alone in boredom and wait to be impregnanted by Jesus. *crosses fingers*

It's Not Like I Believe In Everlasting Love

What's up, bitches???!!!

I really don't care.
Shut up.

Anyways.
This weekend was HELL. And I don't mean the fun kind where Satan greets you with Northern Lights ready in the bong and asks you if you wanna speak to Hitler (Note to readers: I am not a communists nor am I supporting it. So shut the fuck up.). The hell I'm talking about is...well...picture this: Four women in a car. But wait! It gets worse. Two of those women are in their early 40's and one is my mother, one is in her late 60's and is bossy and the other is me. We all set off for an adventure.

We were going to see my aunt in Little Rock. She had surgery on her shoulder because she likes to get pushed around by men on a daily basis. (Which...quick interruption...this is the thing that pisses me off most about her. She will let a man say and do anything to her just so she doesn't have to be alone. Is it really all the bad to be alone? I don't think so.) But she forgot to let us know that the doc's were sending her home with us.

She asked. She said she didn't...but she knew we were coming, getting a nice hotel and eating out. Oh, and she knew my grandma had pain pills. So she probably begged them to let her go. And she even almost admitted to us that she did. The whole time she was crying and being a bitch because we wouldn't talk about her. She always wants to talk about her and her struggles and her horrible life and the boyfriend she had that died.

And it took EVERY fuckin ounce of me not to cuss her out. I'm tired of it.

Her stuggles are brought on by herself. She is the reason she is where she is. She chose to marry a man who dealt drugs and beat her and molested her. She went back to him every time. Even up to the point where he died. And she repeated that process. She stayed pilled up and drunk most of the time. She lets her druggie friends live with her. And she was sleeping around with the guy that broke her shoulder because he provided her with weed and occasional meth. So she wants me to feel sympathy for her because she made bad choices??? She doesn't even realize she does. She blames everyone else. She blames my grandma. My grandma who's been raising her and continues to even though the bitch is 40-something years old. She buys her dinners, meals at expensive restaurants, gives her pain pills (my aunt even steals them from her), and gives her money to pay rent and buy appliances. She does everything. But my aunt is still ungrateful for it. She still blames her problems on my grandma. Which makes me wanna slap her.

She wants everyone to feel sorry for her because her upper arm and shoulder probably won't work ever again.
But it's her own fuckin fault.
I feel bad because of her injury. But I refuse to give her the sympathy she wants.

She wants everyone to feel sorry for her because her "fiance", David, died 2 years ago.

The truth?
She wanted liquor and/or drugs. Neither of them had a car, but she had an electric powered wheelchair. So she begged him to get on it and go for it. He didn't want to go. Kept saying he had a bad feeling. Well she made him. And he got hit by a kid because it was dark outside and he was on a dark, less travelled road. He laid in a ditch for 30 minutes before anyone came. He was hit so hard, his feet came off.
My aunt cried saying he was the only man she loved.

But BEFORE he got hit; she was ready to kick him out. Kept saying he was a bum without a job. Kept saying that she'd never marry his ass because he's a no good lazy man.

But now that he's dead....he was the "man of her dreams". She just wants something to hang onto. Something for people to say, "Oh, she's had such a hard, hard life."

I can't find sympathy for her.
When I was five, she'd take me to drug dealers houses to get high. She'd leave me in rooms with convicted child molesters. She'd have sex with her ex's while we spent the night. She'd take too many pain pills, and fall asleep with cigarettes in her hand. When I was 15, she took meth and then made me believe someone was coming over to beat her up. She had the cops come over and everything. And I believed her because I didn't know she was high. But then she started pouring salt everywhere, and I finally realized what had happened. And slowly I started to remember all the similar times that she did the same things when I was a child.

I'm tired of it. If she wants people to help her; she needs to stop pushing them away. If she wants people to believe she's not a druggie; she needs to stop stealing the last pain pill from my mom and grandma who actually needs them.

Go to fuckin rehab. Grow up.
I'm just glad she never had kids. She fucked my brother and I up enough with her shit. If she had had kids; they would've had to see it every day.

And today in the car she was upset because my grandma will be having necessary knee surgery in 2 weeks and won't be able to take care of her for the last 5 weeks of her healing process.

Really???

Stupid shit.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.

Sooooo much anger towards her today.

Then I come home and I hear my brother telling my mom and dad that I'm a lazy bitch without a job. I cussed him out pretty hardcore. And then took a nap. He apologized. But he's a dumbass.

I'm still upset, as you can tell.

It'll all be better in time, I'm sure.

And I've come to the conclusion that I'm completely in love with Eric. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't. I tried to because I know he'll never have feelings for me. But I don't care anymore. I'm just going to admit it and stop fighting it. And if he breaks my heart (which he probably will); I'll just move on like I do from every other shit relationship.

This one isn't even the worst. I may have done/keep doing dumb shit to be near him; but at least we're sorta friends and I enjoy his company.

Still, I'm stupid.
Ha.


God.
Sleep.