It's Not Like I Believe In Everlasting Love

What's up, bitches???!!!

I really don't care.
Shut up.

Anyways.
This weekend was HELL. And I don't mean the fun kind where Satan greets you with Northern Lights ready in the bong and asks you if you wanna speak to Hitler (Note to readers: I am not a communists nor am I supporting it. So shut the fuck up.). The hell I'm talking about is...well...picture this: Four women in a car. But wait! It gets worse. Two of those women are in their early 40's and one is my mother, one is in her late 60's and is bossy and the other is me. We all set off for an adventure.

We were going to see my aunt in Little Rock. She had surgery on her shoulder because she likes to get pushed around by men on a daily basis. (Which...quick interruption...this is the thing that pisses me off most about her. She will let a man say and do anything to her just so she doesn't have to be alone. Is it really all the bad to be alone? I don't think so.) But she forgot to let us know that the doc's were sending her home with us.

She asked. She said she didn't...but she knew we were coming, getting a nice hotel and eating out. Oh, and she knew my grandma had pain pills. So she probably begged them to let her go. And she even almost admitted to us that she did. The whole time she was crying and being a bitch because we wouldn't talk about her. She always wants to talk about her and her struggles and her horrible life and the boyfriend she had that died.

And it took EVERY fuckin ounce of me not to cuss her out. I'm tired of it.

Her stuggles are brought on by herself. She is the reason she is where she is. She chose to marry a man who dealt drugs and beat her and molested her. She went back to him every time. Even up to the point where he died. And she repeated that process. She stayed pilled up and drunk most of the time. She lets her druggie friends live with her. And she was sleeping around with the guy that broke her shoulder because he provided her with weed and occasional meth. So she wants me to feel sympathy for her because she made bad choices??? She doesn't even realize she does. She blames everyone else. She blames my grandma. My grandma who's been raising her and continues to even though the bitch is 40-something years old. She buys her dinners, meals at expensive restaurants, gives her pain pills (my aunt even steals them from her), and gives her money to pay rent and buy appliances. She does everything. But my aunt is still ungrateful for it. She still blames her problems on my grandma. Which makes me wanna slap her.

She wants everyone to feel sorry for her because her upper arm and shoulder probably won't work ever again.
But it's her own fuckin fault.
I feel bad because of her injury. But I refuse to give her the sympathy she wants.

She wants everyone to feel sorry for her because her "fiance", David, died 2 years ago.

The truth?
She wanted liquor and/or drugs. Neither of them had a car, but she had an electric powered wheelchair. So she begged him to get on it and go for it. He didn't want to go. Kept saying he had a bad feeling. Well she made him. And he got hit by a kid because it was dark outside and he was on a dark, less travelled road. He laid in a ditch for 30 minutes before anyone came. He was hit so hard, his feet came off.
My aunt cried saying he was the only man she loved.

But BEFORE he got hit; she was ready to kick him out. Kept saying he was a bum without a job. Kept saying that she'd never marry his ass because he's a no good lazy man.

But now that he's dead....he was the "man of her dreams". She just wants something to hang onto. Something for people to say, "Oh, she's had such a hard, hard life."

I can't find sympathy for her.
When I was five, she'd take me to drug dealers houses to get high. She'd leave me in rooms with convicted child molesters. She'd have sex with her ex's while we spent the night. She'd take too many pain pills, and fall asleep with cigarettes in her hand. When I was 15, she took meth and then made me believe someone was coming over to beat her up. She had the cops come over and everything. And I believed her because I didn't know she was high. But then she started pouring salt everywhere, and I finally realized what had happened. And slowly I started to remember all the similar times that she did the same things when I was a child.

I'm tired of it. If she wants people to help her; she needs to stop pushing them away. If she wants people to believe she's not a druggie; she needs to stop stealing the last pain pill from my mom and grandma who actually needs them.

Go to fuckin rehab. Grow up.
I'm just glad she never had kids. She fucked my brother and I up enough with her shit. If she had had kids; they would've had to see it every day.

And today in the car she was upset because my grandma will be having necessary knee surgery in 2 weeks and won't be able to take care of her for the last 5 weeks of her healing process.

Really???

Stupid shit.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.

Sooooo much anger towards her today.

Then I come home and I hear my brother telling my mom and dad that I'm a lazy bitch without a job. I cussed him out pretty hardcore. And then took a nap. He apologized. But he's a dumbass.

I'm still upset, as you can tell.

It'll all be better in time, I'm sure.

And I've come to the conclusion that I'm completely in love with Eric. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't. I tried to because I know he'll never have feelings for me. But I don't care anymore. I'm just going to admit it and stop fighting it. And if he breaks my heart (which he probably will); I'll just move on like I do from every other shit relationship.

This one isn't even the worst. I may have done/keep doing dumb shit to be near him; but at least we're sorta friends and I enjoy his company.

Still, I'm stupid.
Ha.


God.
Sleep.