If I Didn't Know Any Better, I'd Be In Love With You

It's 7 a.m. and I feel like I have nothing to say.
But I'm gonna say it anyway.

I'm hoping, that by rambling, some sort of hidden knowledge that I've surpressed will pop out and make me feel a little more happy inside. Ease some tension. Release the emotions that I try to keep hidden.

It's not too often that I'm honest with myself.
I seem to be the only person I lie to.
I keep making up excuses so that I don't have to face the truth.
I pretend that I see truths; but all I see are mirages.

Because if someone loves you; they don't hurt you.
And if you love someone; then they shouldn't make you feel worthless.

You should feel whole. And happy. And all that other nonsense that comes with being in love and being happy and surrendering.
Surrender.
Boy, I'd do anything to learn to do that.
I can't seem to let my reins go when it comes to love though.

There's only so many times a boy can make you believe with your whole heart that he loves you, and then take it back before you start to question every other relationship you're entering. And it's not the new guy's fault.

But if there's one thing that I've learned through the years, it's that when it comes to boys; it's all about the sex.

There's not a guy that will turn it down.
Not a guy on the face of the earth that doesn't want to hear your breathy moans on the receiving end of the phone line.
Not one who would be digusted by a text message detailing the many things you'd imagine doing to him for hours.
Not a single guy that would not take you up on an offer to "hang out".
And let's face it: It's never really "hanging out", is it?
Nope.
Just kisses, rushed touches and words that are forgotten once they leave your mouth.

Sometimes I feel like it's all I'm worth.
And it's stupid to believe so.
I know I'm not.
I have to admit, that it's a useful tool though.

I used to condemn the women who slept with men wanting love in the end.
"He doesn't have to like you to fuck you. And you're not winning him over by doing so." <-----things I've said to others before.
But do I ever take my own words to heart? No.

And I'm not saying that I don't want to desire a guy and that I don't want him to desire me back.
I'm just saying that it'd be nice for a guy to want to talk to me without trying to bring it up for once.

Yeah.
A bunch of misguided words with no thesis.
But I feel slightly less bored with them.

Adios.