Like A Fool I Led My Soul To Love; And It Paid Me Back In Change

It's another installment of Courtney's Boring Life.
*cue music*

Thank you, thank you. Hold the applause. There'll be plenty of time for that during commercial. Right now let's get on with it.

I've lost a couple of pounds.
*applause*
Well, thanks, thanks. I tried really hard. I really did....n't.
Too bad those tacos I ate yesterday will counteract against my good work. All these bad habits are gonna chase my good ones away.
*audience laughter*

Oh...I know.


The only other thing that's on my mind is boys.
*oooooohhh*
Yes.
See.
Listen here, "you":
I'm tired of seeing those girls on your Facebook saying how they miss you and love you and wanna fuck you.
*ahhhhh*
I'm tired of feeling like I'm giving you everything and you're not giving anything to me unless I pay for it.
Well.
You know what I'm gonna do about it??

Probably nothing.

But.

I am going to go running.
*jubliant applause*

So as we say...
*audience participation required in the shouting*
"Take care, bitches!!"
*applause and waving goodbye*

You'd Better Run, Better Run, Faster Than My Bullet

Pumped-Up Kicks by Foster the People. Been stuck in my head all day. Curse you, lyrical melodies!

So it's day 3 of my "running" adventures.
It's more of me walking fast for 10 minutes and then barely getting by the last 20.
But it'll do.
Right now, I haven't lost a single pound. BUT. Hopefully, if I keep up the hard work and continue adding more and more distance to my routine; I'll see results by next year. I just wanna lose 30-40 lbs. That's all I'm asking for.

Oh welllll.
If I don't lose the weight; I still have my cute face and giant tits.
So I'll be okay.

That's about as far as my update has gone though.
I haven't done anything really new.

Except sleeping in really late.
But that's not new.

Tomorrow, I'll hopefully be going to Jaden's first birthday party. Jaden is Sarah's baby boy. Sarah and I used to be really good friends. She got married to some weird dumbass guy though and did a bunch of dirty work behind her baby daddy's back (which isn't the guy who's raising Jaden now), so I kinda lost respect for her and moved on. But we were friends for a while. So I may just let it all go and go see her.

Friends are hard to come by.

I don't know though.
Maybe I should be friend-less. It'd be cheaper.


I guess you're expecting me to say something about guys about now.
Because I always do.
But I don't know if it's because of the running or what; but I think I'll let a blog go by without mentioning my feelings about any certain man.

For the first time.

You're welcome.

I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked

I write because I can.

And obviously someone is liking it, because I see ya clicking on here. That's right, bitch. You there. I see you.

So, I'm pretty excited to start "working-out" tomorrow. I plan on jogging for at least a few miles 5 days out of the week so that I can lose at least 30/40 lbs by next year for my cousin's wedding. It may be her wedding; but I wanna be the hottest one there. I have a reputation to live up to. And I need to get a date before I go. So I'm hoping that if I can get extra cute; I can convince someone to go with me....sober.

I hate clicking on Facebook pages and seeing ex's flirt with the guy I like. I wanna crawl in a hole and die. It's like, "Yeah, I know he had his dick in you and you both like tattoos. Please stop flirting with him though because lately his dick has been in me and it makes me wanna barf when you do it so publicly."

But whatever.
I'm just a piece of ass to him anyway.
So maybe I should get over it.
Because he'll prolly end up back with them again anyway.
Or someone else.
That's not me.

So.

I should breathe and ignore it.

*sigh*

I haven't done anything amazing lately. So if you were planning on reading something just completely mind-boggling; I've failed you. Or you've failed yourself for clicking on here in the first place. I'll go with the latter. Less guilt for me.

I'm hoping to get out of my boy depression soon.

OHHHHH.
But wait!

I haven't slept with that many people.
Not many AT ALL.
So what are the chances that my little brother ends up working with one of the guys I have???
My brother has been talking to him for weeks without even knowing.
And today he decides to tell everyone at his work that he had anal sex with me.

I'm not saying this is a gross thing.
I'm not knocking it for those of you that do it.
But I'm NOT for that.
NOT at all.
It just sounds like hemroids waiting to happen.
And gay.

And if I had done it; then okay, I'd prolly be pissed still that he was telling a bunch of strangers....but because I haven't; I'm extra pissed.

I wish my brother weren't such a pussy and would beat his face in.

I may do it for him though.

I hate sex-ers and tellers.
And that's why I'll be putting my app in to be a nun.
Please, Pope, let me in so I can masturbate all alone in boredom and wait to be impregnanted by Jesus. *crosses fingers*

It's Not Like I Believe In Everlasting Love

What's up, bitches???!!!

I really don't care.
Shut up.

Anyways.
This weekend was HELL. And I don't mean the fun kind where Satan greets you with Northern Lights ready in the bong and asks you if you wanna speak to Hitler (Note to readers: I am not a communists nor am I supporting it. So shut the fuck up.). The hell I'm talking about is...well...picture this: Four women in a car. But wait! It gets worse. Two of those women are in their early 40's and one is my mother, one is in her late 60's and is bossy and the other is me. We all set off for an adventure.

We were going to see my aunt in Little Rock. She had surgery on her shoulder because she likes to get pushed around by men on a daily basis. (Which...quick interruption...this is the thing that pisses me off most about her. She will let a man say and do anything to her just so she doesn't have to be alone. Is it really all the bad to be alone? I don't think so.) But she forgot to let us know that the doc's were sending her home with us.

She asked. She said she didn't...but she knew we were coming, getting a nice hotel and eating out. Oh, and she knew my grandma had pain pills. So she probably begged them to let her go. And she even almost admitted to us that she did. The whole time she was crying and being a bitch because we wouldn't talk about her. She always wants to talk about her and her struggles and her horrible life and the boyfriend she had that died.

And it took EVERY fuckin ounce of me not to cuss her out. I'm tired of it.

Her stuggles are brought on by herself. She is the reason she is where she is. She chose to marry a man who dealt drugs and beat her and molested her. She went back to him every time. Even up to the point where he died. And she repeated that process. She stayed pilled up and drunk most of the time. She lets her druggie friends live with her. And she was sleeping around with the guy that broke her shoulder because he provided her with weed and occasional meth. So she wants me to feel sympathy for her because she made bad choices??? She doesn't even realize she does. She blames everyone else. She blames my grandma. My grandma who's been raising her and continues to even though the bitch is 40-something years old. She buys her dinners, meals at expensive restaurants, gives her pain pills (my aunt even steals them from her), and gives her money to pay rent and buy appliances. She does everything. But my aunt is still ungrateful for it. She still blames her problems on my grandma. Which makes me wanna slap her.

She wants everyone to feel sorry for her because her upper arm and shoulder probably won't work ever again.
But it's her own fuckin fault.
I feel bad because of her injury. But I refuse to give her the sympathy she wants.

She wants everyone to feel sorry for her because her "fiance", David, died 2 years ago.

The truth?
She wanted liquor and/or drugs. Neither of them had a car, but she had an electric powered wheelchair. So she begged him to get on it and go for it. He didn't want to go. Kept saying he had a bad feeling. Well she made him. And he got hit by a kid because it was dark outside and he was on a dark, less travelled road. He laid in a ditch for 30 minutes before anyone came. He was hit so hard, his feet came off.
My aunt cried saying he was the only man she loved.

But BEFORE he got hit; she was ready to kick him out. Kept saying he was a bum without a job. Kept saying that she'd never marry his ass because he's a no good lazy man.

But now that he's dead....he was the "man of her dreams". She just wants something to hang onto. Something for people to say, "Oh, she's had such a hard, hard life."

I can't find sympathy for her.
When I was five, she'd take me to drug dealers houses to get high. She'd leave me in rooms with convicted child molesters. She'd have sex with her ex's while we spent the night. She'd take too many pain pills, and fall asleep with cigarettes in her hand. When I was 15, she took meth and then made me believe someone was coming over to beat her up. She had the cops come over and everything. And I believed her because I didn't know she was high. But then she started pouring salt everywhere, and I finally realized what had happened. And slowly I started to remember all the similar times that she did the same things when I was a child.

I'm tired of it. If she wants people to help her; she needs to stop pushing them away. If she wants people to believe she's not a druggie; she needs to stop stealing the last pain pill from my mom and grandma who actually needs them.

Go to fuckin rehab. Grow up.
I'm just glad she never had kids. She fucked my brother and I up enough with her shit. If she had had kids; they would've had to see it every day.

And today in the car she was upset because my grandma will be having necessary knee surgery in 2 weeks and won't be able to take care of her for the last 5 weeks of her healing process.

Really???

Stupid shit.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.

Sooooo much anger towards her today.

Then I come home and I hear my brother telling my mom and dad that I'm a lazy bitch without a job. I cussed him out pretty hardcore. And then took a nap. He apologized. But he's a dumbass.

I'm still upset, as you can tell.

It'll all be better in time, I'm sure.

And I've come to the conclusion that I'm completely in love with Eric. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't. I tried to because I know he'll never have feelings for me. But I don't care anymore. I'm just going to admit it and stop fighting it. And if he breaks my heart (which he probably will); I'll just move on like I do from every other shit relationship.

This one isn't even the worst. I may have done/keep doing dumb shit to be near him; but at least we're sorta friends and I enjoy his company.

Still, I'm stupid.
Ha.


God.
Sleep.

You Gotta Remember To Breathe Or You'll Die

So I feel refreshed.

My road trip weekend started out with a bang.
Quite literally.
And quite yummy.

I got to make-out and get naked with a very handsome and troubled musician. :P
The only complaint I have is that I was slightly high, and yeah, that made it feel AH-mazzzz-ing...but trying to replay the moments is very frustrating. It's like watching a Youtube video and having it stop to buffer itself several times.

But I got laid.
So I can deal with minor lost memory.

As soon as I got done with sex and talks; I got in my little car and went to pick up Kim.

After I changed, fixed my makeup and watched kittens pounce on each other; we were off to Petit Jean Mountain!!!!

The trip, at first, was kinda weird. Kim and I were both very tired (I maybe only slept for an hour) and my eyes were doing this weird fuzzy straining thing. We kept laughing and saying stupid things.

We got ready to go to a random mexican food place and Kim was like, "Um, Courtney, is that weed in your purse?"
So I looked down and saw the weed Eric threw in my purse earlier.
Because Kim is definitely against that and she's family...I kinda freaked for a second.
So I just was like, "Uh, that's actually Jocelyn's weed. I bought it from Eric for her. I didn't have time to take it home. Don't say anything."
She was very skeptical.
But she dropped the subject.
So I took that as a good sign and went on about my business and ate my enchilada.

Finally, we made it to the mountains and stopped at the "Fudge Bus". I got the chocolate walnut fudge; which was pretty yummy. I've been savoring it. I don't want it to end.
We took lots of pictures of the fake-unicorn we made.
We were, afterall, unicorn hunting. Duh.
And then we walked around and drove and then left.
We had every intention on camping.
In fact, our parents were very upset by the fact we were doing so.
Two girls. Bad camping skills. Alone. Rape. Murder. Missing alert.
Everyone thought we were goners.
But I guess God smiled down on them; because the lady at the registration desk said, "It's state policy that you have to camp both Friday and Saturday. You can't just stay for one night."
Which is bullshit.
I've done it before.
But we were just like...adios...we're getting a hotel.

So we left and went to Searcy for a hotel.
It was La Quinta.
It was pretty nice.
The lady gave us a $20 discount for no reason.
Then we got our stuff and lounged around.
We went for snacks...prolly looked like stoners, then laughed a bunch, spilled the coffee pot, dropped chocolate on the white bed, watched Platinum Hit and Say Yes To The Dress: Bridesmaids Edition, showered, and then we passed out. At 11 pm. We're getting old.

I didn't wanna get out of the bed.
But we did.
Ate some free bisquits and gravy and had someone SPILL APPLE JUICE in my car. I wanted Orange Juice. But it had pulp. Thank god, because that shit would've been stickier.

Then we went home.
By the way, don't take Benadryl before driving. Not good.

We didn't die.
We read a map.
And we had fun.

Then we went to Olive Garden for my little brother's family birthday dinner.
It was pretty good.
And that's about all I have to say on that.

I loved my weekend.
I'll prolly keep replaying my night before the road trip for a few weeks.
And I'll prolly be trying to get the tagged pics of my road trip off Facebook for a few minutes.

Yay.

 

That's Petit Jean up there, Bitches.

When There's Nothing Left To Burn; You Have To Set Yourself On Fire

So. This is cheesy. But fun.
I wrote a letter to my future (or not so future) "soul-mate".
So. Ehmm....Here it goes:

Dear Whomever,

      You're probably never going to find me. Let's face it. Hell, even if you do; I'll probably push you away. I don't trust myself to love. To love means to let go, give in, and become vulnerable. I don't do a lot of things well, but letting my walls down to vulnerability is something I do horribly. Truth is, somedays, I hope I don't find you. Not all days, not even most days, but sometimes I don't want to possess your heart, because I know i'll fuck it up. And I've been heartbroken before. If I pushed YOU away...it'd feel 100% worse than any of the others, and honestly, nature doesn't make strong enough weed to help me deal with that one.

     This sounds sooo pessimistic.

     Well.

     On the off chance that I don't push you away...and I find you...and I stop being cynical...

     I hope you're intelligent. I hope sometimes you're overly obsessed with yourself. It's a weird thing to want, but sometimes I'm so narcissistic that I'd like you to understand. I'd like you to stand up to me. Put me in my place. Because sometimes I fall out of line.

     I hope you laugh often and you only cry in private.

     That you're insecure but you mask it with sarcasm.

     You love passionately but never over-use the words, "I love you".

     You don't care about being tidy. Your clothes are all over our bedroom floor. And you don't get mad when you find my towel laying in the bathroom floor still.

     You like my cooking, and you're always grateful. Because cooking and cleaning means love. :)

     You like kisses but you never expect them and you never demand them.

     You have a touch that can in one movement tear me apart but also make me feel whole.

     You're always ready to make love, but you never make me feel easy when I give in.

     You're terribly flawed. But you know it.

     You don't have to, but it'd be nice if you played guitar. Acoustic, of course. And then you could write me a song. But only one, because that one song would sum everything up perfectly.

     You find hugs as awkward as I do.

     You crave alone time and let me have mine. I'd like to be able to sit in silence for hours at a time and still feel connected.

     And most importantly....

     You're you.

     Something that I could never invent.

     And you'll love me deeper than anyone ever has.

                                    :),

                                       Courtney

      

Jesus Came To My Birthday Party

This is one of the first "normal" Fourth of July's I've had.
I ate Taco Bell and went outside with Andrew and Neeley to shoot off fireworks.
Well.
To watch them being shot off.
Because I have a fear of fire, fireworks, anything that involves explosions and fire of any kind.
Maybe because I got shot in the arm with a bottle rocket when I was a kid.

Maybe.

Two years ago, I spent ole' independence day having sex with Eric for the first time after eating pizza and playing poker with Sarah's family.
Good times.

Then last year, I went to Jonesboro to watch a lame firework show with my ex-boyfriend. He kept looking at my boobs and grabbing me the whole time. And it took us 2 hours to get home because of traffic. And I had to pee the whole time.
Not fun.

I was supposed to "get it in" tonight...but I guess that's a no-go.

Bummer.

I don't even get excited anymore.

Hell, I don't even shave my thighs extra good anymore because I know that I'll spend all the time making sure my goodies are smooth for nothing.
Sad story.

I really don't understand fireworks.
Why spend $20-$100's of bucks on something that goes into the air in smoke and pops?
It's throwing away money.
I mean...at least potheads and crackheads get something out of their smoke.
I understand that.
But fireworks....
Stupid.

That's all I got for now.
Rrrrealllyyyy boring blog.

I might not even go re-read this shit.
And that's pret-tea bad.

Peace.

Listen Friends, the only thing that's gonna happen, is that we're gonna eat each other up alive!

Great words to live by, eh?
Ha.

I'm better today.
A few days of solitude, Japanese food, Twilight Zone marathons and Lucero will do that for you.
And I'm grateful.

I might be a damn psychic. For real.
Bryan ended up flaking.....AGAIN.
Who didn't see this coming?

I texted him for, like, 5 days straight and nada. Nothing. Not even a, "Hi".
So I guess he went back to his girlfriend.
Or at least back away from me.

I dodged a bullet probably.

Eric did contact me. Said we'd hang out in the next couple of days.
I won't hold my breath though.

It's almost as if these last few weeks of him being an ass to me have opened my eyes. It let my heart go a little bit. I feel a little bit more in control. I don't feel fragile and ready to break.

I never should've felt that way to begin with.
I'm a strong girl.
WELL...a girl who's average and pretends to be strong.
But I shouldn't let such a weak man take me down.
Mhmmm.

I'm grateful for every breath I take in. Every song I get to sing outloud in the shower. Every kiss my dog gives me (even if he's only doing it because he smells food). Every punch on the arm my little brother gives me. Every heartbreak. Because without heartbreak; you never had love. And I'm totally and completely grateful for love.

I'm gonna start taking breaks away from life.

And this weekend is the start.
My cousin, Kim, and I will be going Unicorn Hunting.
Ha.
Camping, for real. But for photographic purposes, a unicorn will be involved. :P

I'm pretty excited.
Even if I do end up burning my wrists like I did the last time I camped; I'll be good to go. :)))

I'm almost out of books to read also.
This needs to change.

I wish I lived in a library.

Anyways...
Toodles. :P