I Don't Want Pity, I Just Want What Is Mine

I'm horrible at keeping up blogs.

Damn.

What's new?

Well, I got Eric to talk to me.
I don't know what got him to do it, but he agreed to meet me in person to talk stuff through. I thought, "Hey, this is a positive move". But then later, when he finally agreed to set up a time to meet to have our adult closure talk, he asked me to get him free weed.

What?

So. You wanna knock me up, right?
Then not take care of your child, right?
And then ask me for an abortion, right?
Then be a dick...and then you want me to bring you free weed....to talk to me....about YOUR kid...that you don't want....and you want me to come there to YOUR house...and waste MY gas money...and you wanna do it after 12 am, when our "usual" fuck sessions usually went down?
Right?
Rightttt?!!
Am I leaving anything out?

Fuck.

His highlight text messages:

"Yeah i was gonna talk to ya about that. Didn't care for the wording, the truth will come out?? I've been telling you truth since june i dunno how me being in person would change that. And i was fine with fucking being the way we left off. that was the majority of our relationship afterall. Seemed befitting. Most people would be happy to end on that"

"Not just sex, or i would've said it was the entirety of our relationship. majority yes. just saying it's a fine way of ending things in general. nah we can still talk, the truth wording had me thrown off for the most part."

"Well as much as i wanna go into this sober, i don't. So once some smoke comes this way we'll make a date. Cool? Cool."

"Well if you think you can get some smoke, ,we can do this rather soon. Tonight or tomorrow better for ya?" (meaning free weed. that he won't pay for.)

"Haha. I said forget about the weed girl. We'll still get the talking done, and as much as i'd love for you to bring me weed everytime we talk (we'd probably talk a lot more haha) the last thing i need is for you to say i owe you something else. So it's cool."

"Psh, i gave you the gift of life. Weed should be a given. And you used to do it every now and then & now you're against it? seems backwards."

"Well we could fuck if that could help give you some sort of reasoning as to why you're giving me the weed haha but the fact is i'm not even 100% sure I'm leaving yet so i doubt it'd be the last time i see ya but stranger things have happened."




What. A. Piece. Of. Shit.

Seriously.

"We could fuck." <---- First of all, no. No we could NOT fuck ever again. Unless, A.) You grow the fuck up and decide to be a dad and get your shit together, and/or B.) You grow the fuck up and step up and sex would mean something to you other than just sex. Which it won't. So no. And the audacity of him to even suggest it, is crazy to me. I'm 7 months pregnant with your child that you're not going to take responsibility for. Stupid asshole.

"I'm not even 100% sure I'm leaving yet." <----So I ask you for a closure talk about why you're not going to step up, and you're so desperate for weed that you come clean with the fact that you're not even really serious about leaving? Or else you're so desperate for weed that you'd LIE to make me think you'll stick around longer. OR you lied the whole time and never were leaving at all. All options are horrible.
And really, if you're not leaving, good; I can get child support faster knowing where you are.

"I gave you the gift of life." <----I'm glad that he finds it amusing to the point where he's not taking it seriously at all. He doesn't have to live with being pregnant and raising a daughter.

"i doubt it'd be the last time I see ya" <----So, either you really want weed, or you planned on keeping up communication with me the whole time. I'm all for him changing his mind about being a dad....but I feel like he's trying to play games with me for free bud. Which is not cool.

And that whole first message was just fucked up all together. I'm not fine with sex being the way we left off. I'm going to have a daughter with his features and his attitude and his genetics. Why would I NOT want closure from him as to why he isn't going to be around for her? That's all I want. And now it looks like I'm going to have to buy his time with weed to get that closure. I don't want to, but I've told him three days in a row no, but he keeps asking. So it's like he's saying, "Bitch, free weed and a talk or no talk at all."

I'm desperate to go there and talk.
Why? I'm not sure.
Part of me hopes he changes his mind and steps up.
But I feel like even if he said he would; it'd be a lie at this point. I can't trust him.

And if he doesn't decide to step up; I really want him to look me in the eye and say so. I want him to see me pregnant, and be able to deny his daughter. I want to know why or even how he could do it.

I want to tell him to fuck off and die too.

This sucks.

He's crazy.





I need sleep.

Love Is A Country That Won't Be Overcome

I'm trying to be a good girl and not smoke.
I really am.
It's just hard whenever all your friends do it, everyone at your work does it and then you have your friends saying, "Hey, come over and do it."
I just wanna crawl in a hole and hibernate for the next 3 months.
I used to feel pride in it.
I used to like the feeling of being the girl with the best bud in town.
But it's like...when the bud runs out then so do your buds.
And I feel scared to say that I don't know who I am whenever I'm not smoking.
That's been my identity for the last few years. That's all I've discussed with other people. It's been my excuse to hang out with friends.
It's hardest at night whenever I'm alone and I know I can smoke and I know I shouldn't. It got to the point where I dumped my shit weed down the toliet so that I wouldn't be tempted to smoke it last night.
I feel proud that I got rid of it before I smoked it.
But today....all I keep thinking is how much I shouldn't smoke it while my friends are all, "We'll come over tonight and smoke you out for once last time."
I had a last time, twice before, these last couple of nights.
Would this last time be the last time or will it just be another "last time" on a list of them?
I feel like it does take "one day at a time" to overcome this feeling.
But it's hard to do on a Scarlett O'Hara "tomorrow is another day" mentality.

Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am

I can feel my baby moving.

It's weird.

It makes me wanna pee too.

Names in the running for this little girl?

Delilah
Maisy
Isla
Lynnon
Edie
Olive


I haven't decided yet.

It may be neither.

But whatever.

Wow, my baby is kicking. Surely she must feel mama's wrath of Romney supporters.





****Added at later date*****
By the way, I found out that Eric's first baby mama, Jessica, died June 6th of this year. Maybe a week after I told him I was pregnant. So. That may explain his stance. Maybe. More on that later....

"There were soo many grammatical errors in that fuckin sentence..."

I came here thinking I'd know what I'd say.

                                         I left without saying a word.

I thought we understood?


You pushed me away every chance you had.

                           I grabbed you harder every time.

                                   Your kisses were lies I'd lay down for.

                         And you stole the words from my mind.

           Smoke you out, smoke me out.

          We tried to smoke the world out.

But the sun broke through.

I thought we understood?


Sorry, I can't love you.

                                                       I don't even love me.

You touch me without promise.

You forget me like I was always gone.

                                         This is just a phase.

I thought you understood?

So I Started Smoking, Thought The Signals Would Scare Your Walls Away

Yesterday...er...well...technically two days ago now, my cousin, Kim, had her wedding.
Dum Dum dumdummm...
Dumb.

My favorite part was when my brother whispered, "Always the bridesmaid and never the bride, eh?"
But hey, everyone said I was prettier than anyone else in the bridal party. I ain't bragging though because my competition wasn't much.

Her wedding was Asian themed. Just like everything else in her life.
In almost all of her wedding photos she's doing the, "I hate this shit" face.
So.
I'm guessing she hated it.
But she's a Tritch now instead of a Keeling.
We're all growing up.

Sigh.

I think I'll teach my kid to savor being a kid because after high school, I swear it's the peak of the mountain and then you come back down to earth. Until you're eventually on the ground that they'll bury you in.

Cynical? Eh, who gives a fuck?

Ole Jinger said Eric was trying to fuck her lately.
It's hard for me to think Eric is really being this big of an asshole.
I always knew he was one...but this is ridiculous. It's like he has no soul.

Maybe he doesn't?

I wish I could give up on it, but for my kid's sake, I'm not going to. I'll get child support because he WILL take responsibility one way or another. So, treat me bad, buddy, because your day will come. That karma you like to talk about is about to bite you in the ass.

I just want peace.

And a good lay.
Which is what got me in this position...but hey...I can't get pregnant twice.

And this Trevor kid has been looking pretty cute lately. So we'll see where that goes.
But I'm really just not into dating seriously or thinking of a guy seriously at all for a while.
I need some time to myself. And for this kid that I'm in no way prepared for.

Some days I feel like I wish I had never got pregnant. Some days I come to terms with it and a smile appears on my face. Some days I feel stressed because of the financial situation I'm in. Some days I feel so blissful, I can barely keep a tear from happening.

I wish I could just keep the thoughts at bay and stay consistently happy.
Maybe when the baby comes, the thoughts will clear and I'll be able to think nothing but how happy I am to be a mother.

I wanted to be a young mom anyway.

I just wish I had some support.
And a hand to hold through it.

It sucks being alone all the time. And though I keep my walls up, and I look like I'm joking about my situation; it's just a front so that I don't have a mental breakdown.

Because it sucks feeling like someone cared about you and now doesn't.
It sucks knowing you were just solely used and someone care soooo little for you that even when you're carrying half of their DNA inside of you, they still ignore you. But they have time to text skanks and ask them to come over. His life is going on and he's not ever thinking about it, but everyday I'm stuck feeling restless but too fatigued to move. I'm the one suffering. And some days, I can't take it. I just wanna crawl into a hole and die. Because life is so hard. I try to be brave and pretend that I can conquer everything, but lately, I'm too fragile to try. I feel like I've lost a battle. I feel like I'm stuck in life with no way out. And my kid's going to suffer from my mistakes because his/her father is someone that I chose to sleep with. It's my fault that they're stuck with a piece of shit guy in their life who's never going to be there.

Maybe it'll get better though.

Maybe it's the hormones talking.

Hopefully.

Court

Run Your Mouth, I Bet I Can Catch It

New sheets.
Hair up.
Pants off.
Make-up off.
Freedom at it's best.

Lately, I've come to see the beauty within myself. I put on a new dress and I think, "wow". Someone comments on my beauty and I don't shrug it off. Instead, I embrace it. Why? Because I feel it.

And it's odd for someone like me, who's struggled most of her childhood/adult life wondering about their body image, to really fully appreciate my looks.

I enjoy my curves.
And although, I would like to be 30 lbs smaller; I know that I'm pregnant and it's just gonna be gaining from this point.
However, I'm confident now that I'll be able to lose the weight afterwards.

Even though I'm pregnant, I've been able to maintain my current weight loss without adding or subtracting any poundage.

But regardless of my "weight", I'm beginning to see the features of my face that are artistic in their own right.

And it makes me feel good to smile.
And I'm sure I look more confident to others.

On another note...that isn't so narcissitic....

Last night, Jocelyn, Adam, Trevor, some Austin kid and Katelyn went over to the "other Courtney's" place to have a "party".
Before we even got there, we knew Courtney Rogers was gonna puke. It is, afterall, in her reputation.
And after a quick game of Circle of Death and a longer, more alcohol-involved game of Connections, well....."there she blows!".

I held her hair back and guarded her door from Trevor so that he wouldn't try to fuck her because he was really drunk too. And also because I was partly jealous because for weeks, I've been going to parties thinking about making out with said Trevor.
He's pretty cute.
And here we go again.
Just when I think I'm good with myself, I get a crush.
Everytime.
Without fail.

This guy is pretty cute though. And whenever he sees me, he smirks. I don't know if he's a man-whore and would do anything, but who knows?
I overheard him tell Austin he wouldn't try to fuck Rogers but if he was going to try to get with anyone, it'd be me. And whenever asked about making-out, he said, "We're not thinking about that right now". Right now. Ha.

However, we departed early and I didn't make a move because he was waaaay too fucked up and drooling as drunk guys do.
He was all, "I don't need a girlfriend anyways. Do I, Courtney?? *hits my knee*" and when I was climbing out of the truck to leave he was all, "I love you, Courtney". Haha.
He came up to work today.
Why?
I dunno.
But whenever he saw me, he smirked and then later made it a point to ask me about whether I enjoyed myself last night.
Oh, and he has my number now.

So.
Who knows?

Baby comes first.
But if I can get some action in the process, then woohoo for me.

And then for a final point, Blake actually talks to me now and texts me.
So I guess he built a bridge and got over himself.
Which is good.
Because I missed him.

His girlfriend can fuck the hell off though.
She's mean as fuck.
"Don't tell me a secret. If I don't like someone, I tell everyone all their secrets. I once had a gossip buddy and she didn't like this girl that was in one of my other classes. So I'd sit next to that other girl and listen to her talk and find out stuff about her, and then I'd go to my friend and tell her everything she said and we'd laugh. We both didn't like her."
That's what she said.

Bitch, huh?

And at work, I'm just done working hosting shifts with her. She doesn't know how to sit people, first of all. This week I found out, that when I don't help her with the seating chart, she double/triple seats waiters. Which is horrible. And we had three hosts this week. One was supposed to sit tables, one was to just clean tables and the other was supposed to help do both. Well Crystal was sitting tables and I told her that when Shania go there (20 minutes late too, by the way) that she would make-up some bullshit excuse as to why she couldn't clean tables.
This week's excuse?
A blister on her foot.
Are you kidding me???!!!
I'm fucking pregnant, and throwing up at work a lot and I still clean tables.
Stupid.
But, not only did she not seat people correctly or bus tables, she didn't do anything else. She stood up there reading lost and found children's books left by customers with her boyfriend, Blake or texting on her phone. To who, I'm not sure, because she doesn't have any friends.
Then she had the audacity to get mad whenever Crystal and I got to go home first.
Lazy ass worker.
And she'll get away with it because the manager is her older sister.
And Blake will get away with whatever too because he's fucking the manager's sister.
It's a lame-ass story, I tell you.
And I'm about fed up with it.

But anyways.
I think I'm done ranting for this week.

It's a lot.
But I had to make up for all the lost weeks and lacking blogs that I've posted lately.

You're welcome.

Court

Do You Not Think Too Far Ahead?

Just checkin in.
There's a lot on my mind.
Not quite sure to get it all out though.

First of all, Eric has disappeared.
Go figure.
He won't respond to any messages and I haven't heard from him in a while.

Oh well..

Baby update news?
Okay.
I'm 11 weeks and 5 days. My baby is a peanut size. And I need some iron in my system so I don't die or some shit.

I'm looking forward to being a mom. Been thinking about a change in occupation though. Maybe a PTA? Something that is fast to get schooled for and can make me a decent paycheck. My baby is gonna be looking fly in school. Mkay? Mkay.

I've been craving lemons. Mmm.

I also found out that someone at work, who is supposed to be my friend, has talked a bunch of shit behind my back. And I know she has because she does it to everyone else at work too. Great person, huh?

Well.
I'm bored of this.

Court

It's All Okay, Cuz Love Will Find A Way To Be

Well.
Damn.
I'm shitty at keeping up with this thing, eh?

Oh well.

Eric ended up talking to me. He wanted me to have an abortion.
First of all,  how can you ask me to do that to MY body?
Not only would I have to deal with the physical pain, but I'd have the emotional and mental angst of knowing that I gave a part of me up because of "inconvience".
I hate believing that people are better than they are.
He would live the rest of his life not caring about what happened to me and to the baby, but I'd have to think about it everyday.

It disappoints me to know that he won't step up.
And instead of taking responsibility for his actions, he blames me.

It's never him, it's always everyone else.

He didn't have a job because of the economy.
NOT because he sat in his room all day texting random hoes, watching DvDs and getting high all the time.

He's not a famous musician because of the fucked music industry.
NOT because he needs vocal lessons because he's too pitchy to be professional.

When girls start arguing with him, it's "those girls" and "their drama".
NOT because he was juggling them around, they found out about each other, thought they were special and now realize that they were just used.

When he doesn't get to see Zoey, it's Jessica's fault.
NOT because he won't get a job to support her and get a new car to see her.

And it's Jessica's fault they had a child because she got pregnant "on purpose".
NOT because it was an accident. Because everyone knows that she used her OWN penis, right?

It's all bullshit to help him sleep better at night.
It's in his narcissistic nature to blame everyone so that he isn't the one feeling guilty.

He thinks I got pregnant on purpose too.
Go figure.

It'll probably be my fault forever.
Whatever.

He can go ahead and tell himself whatever he needs to help him, because in 18 years from now, I'll have a child that can thank me for unconditional love and support. And he'll have nothing but regrets because he wasn't man enough to step up and take responsibility.

That's on him. I hope he can deal with it.

He'll have a phone full of numbers he can't call anymore. A bunch of girls he could've been happy with, but used instead. A list of girls he's fucked but an empty heart. A bowl full of weed, but a life full of sadness and regrets.

I'll have love. Understanding. Happiness. :)

Later.
Oh, and God Bless.
Court

Oh, Baby, Baybeh, Ahhh, Push It

Ohhhhh boy.
Or girl.
Whichever.

So....surprise! I'm preggo.

Yup.

At first, when I found out, I felt bad for Eric (he's the father, I ain't THAT big of a hoe that I don't know).
But given recent events, I don't anymore.
I feel sorry for me.
Because I'm the one that has to explain to everyone that I got knocked up by someone who doesn't care about me.
I'm the one that has to say that I don't know if my child will have a father or not.
He said he'd "call soon" 3 days ago.
And maybe that's not long enough? But for me it feels like torture.

If I had gotten pregnant by someone who LOVED me, I'd have someone saying they'd help me right now, instead of me being left alone, unknowing, and suffering.

Maybe he does have another kid. Maybe he does have Zoey too. And he just now got his life together. I don't care.

I can't take it back. I can't go back and erase my bad decision.
Unless I believed in abortion.
Which I don't.

I'm ready to move forward and give my child love and acceptance and to teach them to love and accept others too.

Eric can be there for the ride or not.

I'll send him some tickets to the show.
It's up to him to show up.




I'll rant somemore about details later, I'm sure.
But for now...work! *sigh*

Court

The Bandwagon's Full, But Ya'll Can Run Behind It. Sorry.

"Rushing, rushing until life is no fun.
All I gotta do is live and die;
But I'm in a hurry and don't know why."

Yes, Alabama. This IS how I feel today. Thanks for the artisitic contribution.

Anyways.

Eff the whole Blake situation.
He's a little boy.
He even goes out of his way to not talk to me.

Dumb.

However, his little girlfriend (whom I like sorta), is being EXTREMELY nice. And that worries me. Because Andy's girlfriend, who knows her, says she's a fake person. And if so, I'm not wasting my time to try to be good aquaintances with her just so she can lie to my face.
I'm worth more than that.

So.
It's his problem.

I'm sorry I wasted my time being his friend now. Because we were close....

....but not as close as I was to Eric last night.

Which...he is actually being extra nice lately. Asking to hang out more and treating me better and vice versa. Maybe this is going in a good direction. Or maybe it's the right direction in a shitty vehicle, but it's still worth the trip. I think I'll chance it.

Also, I've come to appreciate myself more.
I am beautiful.
And I'm strong.
And I've lost 20+ lbs already. :)

So really...right now...my life is just...simply... :)


Court

As I Burn, You Burn Out

A bunch of bullshit has happened.

Instead of trying to cram in all of my feelings and moments that have happened in the recent past, I'm going to forget it and just talk about the now.

I know, you miss a lot of exciting shit, but "yolo" right? Fuckin hate yolo. Annoying.

Anyways.

Sooooooo much drama at work.

I wondered why Blake was acting so rude towards me....turns out people said I was talking shit. AKA: Morgan and Pick.
I know this because the only things I've said about Blake and his new girl, Shania, (yeah...he got a gf...who also works with us...) I said to only those two.

And they were:

Blake came up there to see Shania in the soda fountain. It was 8 pm and close to closing and I was a closer. So when Morgan asked if we needed anything, I jokingly said, "Yeah. Will you please send Shania home, because I'm tired of seeing Blake's face." Which. I meant like, "I'm tired of seeing two teenagers flirt all night," but I guess someone thought it meant, "I'm jealous."
Hm.
Not really.

On Sunday Shania sat Blake's section.
Me: "Well, well. Since you sat your boyfriend you gotta go outside and get him cause he yells at me."
Shania: "He's not my boyfriend!! haha" *walks away*
*Pick standing next to me looking at me*
Me: *in a dull bored tone* fuck me, pick. just. fuck me.
*Pick laughs and walks away to say something to Blake*
I honestly don't give a fuck. I was just trying to be funny because Pick always picks on me for being Blake's "girlfriend".

I mean. Honestly. I do give a fuck. I really do. It bothers me that Blake is talking to anyone at all other than me because I did like him.

HOWEVER, I have been going out of my way to be a big girl about it and keep my disappointments and accusations to myself and my two other best friends at the moment. I haven't talked shit at work. I haven't said anything that anyone else hasn't said.

The other morning, Shania's sister, who is our manager, was talking shit about it all day with her boyfriend who is our bus dish.

...this store is really fucked up now that i think about it. Everyone is related and whatever.

Anyways...Morgan thinks it's cool to go to Blake and tell him that I'm saying "shit about him" whenever she's the one who said that her sister "wasn't going to be a nobody. She was going to be something in life. Not a high school drop out like Blake."?
It's okay to say that Blake is basically not good enough for your sister and is a fuck up...and her boyfriend said worse shit...THAT'S okay, but what I said about sending her sister home so I didn't have to see a guy that I'm trying to get over flirt with a girl that I'm trying to not hate, that's NOT okay?

Haha.

But I'm the bad one. I'm the jealous one. I'm just sooooo jealous of a sixteen year old girl having a huge crush on an 18 year old who couldn't even kiss me properly and then freaked out when things got too far?
He was making out with her basically last night at work by his car.
So I'd say she's having better luck.
They're probably going to be a good couple for a little while.
And I'm glad he's happy and is sorta getting his shit together.

I'm basically over Blake anyway. It just is seeing the relationship unfold in front of me that hurts. And maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if Blake hadn't stopped being my friend and started hating me overnight.

He sent me a message saying, "Good. Get the fuck out of my life then."

I drove him an hour out of town to get weed for him.
I stopped at numerous gas stations to get cigarettes for him when he was 17.
I bought him McDonald's before I'd come over and get him high.
I'd drive him to fast food at 3 a.m. for breakfast even after I told him I didn't want to.
I rushed to get away from my family on Christmas just so I could spend time with him.
I spent New Year's with HIM instead of ERIC. And we alllll know how much I love my Eric time. For real.

I did sooooo much for him.

I felt like we were friends and that I could trust him.
But if he thinks I'm the person who would backstab him and slander his name every where; then I guess I shouldn't have trusted him at all.

And it's sad. And yeah, in my heart, I was jealous for a few days. But I've always been able to move on quickly and after a few days, all was healed. Until he went and made this big thing at work.

And I saw him talking behind my back telling people to schedule him on days I don't work and shit.

But I....I.....Me....IIIIIIIII...I talked shit.

Hahahaha.


Fuck off.

I'll never understand why people who are so desperate for someone to care about them, push away the people who want to care about them the most.

Just goes to show that people show you their true selves through their actions and not their words.

And I have to accept that Blake is 18 and he doesn't know who he is and he's going to be an asshole.

End of a friendship. And so much wasted time.

Onto new relationships and awkward time.

Which.

Hopefully.

Eric will be seeing me soon.
My birthday and such.
He's been being very good to me.
I'm not going to get into intimate details on our sex life, but you can definitely tell he's trying to get me to come see him more often. ;)

And I love his kisses.

I'm so stupid for liking this asshole.

But hey.
At least he stayed my friend through some rough patches instead of running.
Because he knew who I was and that I was honest even to a fault.
And he accepted that.

And those are true friends.

Can't You Love Me Another Day?

I'm angry.
I'm angry that you were my friend.
I told you so much.
You trusted in me.
We shared so many things with one another.
I know you felt what was between us.
Then one day you just decide to blow me off.
Pretend I don't exist.
But I do.

I'm sorry if I acted in a way that told you I didn't want you.
Because I do.

And if you're blowing me off because you don't want a relationship with me; then you're dumb. Because I can be your friend.

Everyone in your life has abandoned you. Left you to fend for yourself. Clean up your own hurt and mend your own scars. No one has really loved you how you should've been loved. But I could.
See.
I see your intelligence. I see the care and kindness. The ambition to be something more than you are but the humbleness to accept the burdens along the way.

I kinda fell for you.

I spend too much time thinking about you.
Everyday I do it.
And they say if you think about something everyday; then you don't throw it away. You keep it. You try to salvage it.

These last few weeks without knowing you has been torture.
I keep wanting to confide in you. To share your space. Feel your appreciation for my thoughts, wants and feelings.



So uh.
Basically....



I miss you.

Well, I Guess This Is Growing Up

Sometimes I think I know more than I do. I really think it has to do with my age group. We all think we have it all figured out. We have passion for the things that drive us in life and we always think we're the "acception" to the rule. "We'll be better than our parents because of...," fill in the blank. I always thought that I was smart enough to learn from other's mistakes, but I find myself using their lives as a guideline instead. It's a confusing time in your life when you feel like you can conquer the world but all you have to face your battles are your words.

I've come to relish in the bliss of mornings where I lay in my silky sheets and stare out my window thinking about my shortcomings, mistakes, successes, loves and losses. Call it narcissism, but I find myself more interesting than anyone else. And I think it's because I know that I'll never fully understand who I am. I'm a research project. I change everyday based on new perspectives that have thrown themselves in my way.

Who will I be 10 years from now?

Will I finally put down my insecurities and protective shield and allow myself to fall in love? Will I be dumb enough to marry someone? Will it last? Will I contribute to our country's divorce rate? Because I don't want to just play the game to play it. If I fall, I want to have a place to land and a hand to hold when I get there. The unsteadiness of love discomforts me. Will I fall in love with someone that annoys the shit out of me? Because I've seen it happen. And I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling superior or enraged. Will I fall in love alone? Because I've done that enough already. It's the worst feeling going home at night, not sleeping because you want to belong to someone who's already stopped thinking about you days ago. And I have a feeling that guy will still be on my mind in my weakest moments in the future.

Am I any better than I was before? Am I any more the wise?

Or am I still in that phase where I think I know it all, and I still don't? And how do you know?

When will I ever know when I've grown up?

If I ever do...

I'm A Beatles To These Young Kids

I slept with Eric.
Blake basically doesn't talk to me anymore.
I've been texting Eric's best friend, Bryce.
He kinda sucks.
Keeps asking for tit pics then getting mad when I accuse him of asking for tit pics.
I'm downloading music.
Mac Miller.
Rihanna.
First Aid Kit.
Alabama Shakes.
Anything I can do illegally; I will.
And that includes smoking some pot while doing all these tasks.


Whenever I feel like explaining myself further; I'll pop on in.
Til next time, bitches...

I'm A Joker. I'm A Smoker. I'm A Midnight Toker. And I Get My Lovin' On The Run.

So. Much. Missed.

First:
Blake

I drank some tequila with him and Jocelyn. Jocelyn dares me to show my boobs.
I say no.
I say no again.
I repeatedly say no.....
Until.......
.........I say yes.
But my drunken mind was all, "Tell Blake only HE can see them! Yeah!".
Yeah?!!! NO!
But yeahhhh. I did.
(I don't think he saw nip though....)
Jocelyn left shortly thereafter.

And there we were. Me drunk and wanting to fuck him and him sober and wondering what the hell I was staying for.
Then we started arguing about who was gonna kiss who first and if we even wanted to. I had it in my mind that he didn't. But he did.
And then shit got out of hand and next thing I know I'm leaving his house saying, "Oh, my god, don't tell anybody I gave you a blowjob.....or showed you my boobs!" To which, he agreed.

But it was awkward.
And we were kinda sorta friends again for a week.
But now it's back to being awkward.
He went from hanging out with me everyday and texting me and being happy to be around me at work; to being distant, not texting me back, being shady, and making up excuses on why he can't hang out with me.
It sucks.
Even if he didn't wanna make out again; I thought we were friends.
We spent all the holidays together. And I really do miss his company.
I'm a dumbass for getting fucked up and blowing him.
That's a slutty thing to do too.
What. an. idiot.



Next:
Eric
He started texting me again. Wanting to hang out and give me weed.
I took the weed.
I haven't taken the dick yet though.
Not sure I want to.
Last time he gave me my green; he was picking up ice for a girl. Probably a girlfriend. Which means that I would still be leaving a guy's house in the early morning, with an empty heart and knowing that he'll never miss me.

Is it too much to be loved?
Respected?
Wanted?

I mean...really. Damn.

Finally:
My NEW FUCKIN APARTMENT!!!
Dat's rite fo'ks.
My little brother and I are leasing for a year in a new apartment. Of course, Zeus is here too. That little mutt has to stay.
Andy (my brother) bought so much Gain scented stuff, it's ridiculous.
Our home smells like "butterflies caught in the wind" or whatever the fuck the package says.
Slowly, but surely, my mind and body are becoming settled.
More stress with bills, but less stress of the mind.
Not sure if it's a win or not.

Wish me luck, hoes.

And if I can think of anything else to say of significance...well, I'll just pop right back the fuck on this computer and tell ya'll. I know you'd miss it if I didn't.

Court

I Could Say So Much, But I Don't Go There, Cause I Don't Want To

I texted Larry to see if he paid our utility bill...again.

He was supposed to pay it off because my family helped him with his medical expenses.
But he probably didn't.
Why?
Because he's a BIG FUCKIN DOUCHEBAG!!
That's why.

He kept calling me a whore and a stoner (which, okay, given recent weed intake, I can't deny, but it's still not his right to name call). He was all, "Have fun with your new stoner boyfriend."

I guess he thinks I'm dating Blake because he lives on an adjacent street from Blake and I'm pretty sure he can at least see my car over there 4-5 times during the week. But Blake and I are just friends (I'll get to that later).

It just makes me mad that he makes up these things about me in his head that aren't true and even when I tell him the truth, he still thinks he's correct.

What a dumb fuck.

I'm just pissed at him.
Really.
He fucked my life up.
He raped me, okay?
I'm supposed to go on emotionally from that and he's sitting around not caring and, instead of saying sorry, calls me names and puts me down.
Out of all the guy's I've dated/met/loved, he's always been the best at hitting something animalistic inside of me and making me crack.

But I'm done with it.
He's not worth even the breath God gives him.

****Breathe!!!*****
****And Exhale!!!*****

Alrighty....

Well, Blake and I are just friends and that's okay.
Except I'd appreciate it if he didn't tease me by joking about making out, or telling me where he masturbates or saying, "No, Courtney, I won't kiss you", whenever I haven't even said anything about it.
I don't understand why he keeps mentioning sex.
Maybe he does like me more than a friend.
But based on previous assessments; he doesn't. And I'm not going to even go back down the road of thinking he will.
It only leads to letdowns.

But he is of age now.
So that's a plus.

Eric said he might be going to jail. I thought maybe he was, but he messaged his hoe on Facebook recently, so I guess he's just done talking to ME. Which, is kinda okay. I figured he would anyway. The last time he saw me; he was a complete douchebag and the sex was God awful.
He couldn't even get it up.
And that's not the first time.
I don't understand how you can't maintain a hard-on whenever you have it rubbing against some girl's wet pussy while she's begging you to fuck her.
How does that even happen?
Sorry about the graphic scenario, but really, I'm not going to sugar coat it by "penis" and "vagina" and PG-13 words. Makes it waaay more dumb.
I'm still not over him. That'll still take time. But I'm in the process.

I need time to myself.
Because I'm not happy.
I'm drowning.
Sometimes I just wanna never wake up.
And that's not me.
I need to find myself within my own soul and stop waiting for a man to come and save me from myself.
Yup.

well, anyway...I'm done rambling.

Court

Don't Ask Questions You Don't Want The Answer To...

1. What is more difficult for you; looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
Both are really hard. I'd say that someone telling me how they feel while looking in my eyes is hardest though. I don't know why. Feelings and emotions make me anxious.


2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry.
REALLY angry? Years ago. But one of my managers said I belonged in daycare the other day. He messed up an order and tried blaming me for it. If he had done his job properly; nothing wrong would've happened. It made me mad that he tried to call me immature and ignorant. Don't insult my intelligence. Ever.


3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to make ONE phone call. Who would you call?
I'd wanna call my mom, but she's very long-winded and she'd take up all my time with her crying and interrupting me to talk about herself like she usually does. So probably my grandma. She'd remember everything I said and could pass along my love and messages to others.

4. You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
A.) I'd tell everyone, yeah. I'd want them to know and not be blindsided.
B.) I'd quit my job, stop wasting time and do the things I want to do like singing in front of 100's of people, skydiving and admitting my true feelings to everyone.
C.) At first, I'd be scared, but then I'd accept my fate and prepare myself.

5. You can have one of the following two things: trust/love.
TRUST. I just find more comfort in that right now.

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
I'd save the dog. Who would let a dog drown just for monetary reasons? Fuck that job. A life, even if it is small, is worth soo much more.

7. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Right now, I'd go to Italy. I think it'd be fun to eat a lot of pizza and walk around on cobblestone roads drunk.

8. Think of the last person who you really knew that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you?
Yes. A thousand times. I'd do anything to have him back in my life for just a second. I'd trade 10 years for a minute of his smile, his laugh and his words.

9. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
Yeah. I'm a very giving person. Although, sometimes I'm shady, I always follow through on what I say I'm gonna do.

10. Does love = sex?
Sex and love are two seperate things. You can love in many different stages with many different people. Sex is based on attraction. If I'm in love you, I'll probably have sex with you. But at that point, it's beyond sex because of the intimacy.

11. Your best friend dies, what would you do?
Cry. Be depressed. Probably start an addiction.

.....Oh, fuck...wait, that's right....I already have one. My bad.

12. When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?
I wish I could do it right now. But it ain't happening. I guess whenever I told Eric that he treated me like shit is whenever I was honest with my feelings last. I wish I could be honest with everyone all the time though. There's a lot of things I want to say that get stuck inside.

13. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
I've been in both positions. It's hard both ways. But I find it harder to tell someone I love them, because the rebuttal is going to effect me long-term. Yeah, it sucks to let people down, but in 5 days, my life and emotions will be back to normal. If I love someone, and they say no, then I have to deal with that. And if they say they love me back, well...I'll have to deal with that too. :)


14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on?
Hmm. I was going to say weed, because we both know how I'm attached to that one. However, love is something that I have always relied on. I don't know if it's because I'm a girl or what, but love is something that I believe can pull you through time. It heals, it breaks, it feeds loneliness, it feeds pain, it grows, it leaves, it's everything and it can leave you with nothing. Love is the best and most powerful thing on earth.

15. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
Yesterday. My mom always shouts it out the window when I leave for work. And my daddy told me too. I have a very loving family that I'm entirely ungrateful for. I need to work on that.

16. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you had “no regrets” what would it be?
The person I lost my virginity too. The reasons for doing it were wrong and I ended up using someone. The situation was just wrong. I regret it, but I know i can't change it. I wish I could rewind and make love with someone who loved me.

17. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call?
911. I'm not fucking around.

18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
I'm CPR-certified. So. I think that means I kinda have to. But I would even if I didn't have to. Homeless people are still people and they deserve to live. No matter if they do smell like a dumpster.

19. Are you old fashioned?
Only in some minor ways. I don't believe a guy should open the door; I have hands. I don't think a man should pay for my food. He earned his money and he didn't eat my food, so I'll pay. I don't think that I belong in the kitchen, because we both know my talents are in the bedroom (but I am a bomb-ass cook too). Respect me. I'm a partner. I'm open-minded and ready to listen.

BUT, you are a man. So hold me like I'm a woman. And be ready to lead if you have to. That's sort of old-fashioned, right? Giving the man the upper hand?

20. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?
True love with heart break. It's worth it. You can't have love without loss.

21. If you could do anything OR wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish?
For more wishes? Hahaha. Just kidding. Everyone says that.
Hmm.
I'd wish for a better life without worrying about money.
I'd wish for a love that would make me feel whole and last a lifetime.
I'd wish for peace and understanding in the hearts of everyone in the world.
I'd wish for a nice home, a handsome husband and loving crazy kids.
All of that crap up there.

Ready For The Flight

I am your doll.
Dress me up.
Parade me around.
Show me off.
Then leave me on the floor.
You don't want me anymore.

And maybe I'm the one to blame.
Raising my hand to play your games.
Now I'm done and my muscles sore.
And you don't want me anymore.

Maybe it'll make sense when I'm older.

I'm 16 Again And My Heart Isn't Broken

I almost hate to rush into saying shit before it happens or before other people know....
but damnit....
I'm falling in love.

I can't help but get anxious any time Blake is even around me. If he touches me. Texts me. Says my name. Mentions anything sexual whatsoever.

I'm hoping he feels the same too.
I mean...he's been texting me everyday. 98% of the time before I do. And the conversations last for 2 hoursish. They're always flirty. Guess that means I'm on his mind, huh? Because he never asks me for anything. And whenever we're not texting; we're actually hanging out.

I spent Christmas Eve, Christmas day and New Year's with him. I feel like he keeps making excuses to touch me too. Like we had a "secret handshake" but it was weird how long it was and how intertwining our fingers together was involved quite often. Hm.

Maybe I'm crazy?
But I really wish he'd kiss me.
And every time he says shit like, "Courtney...I'll make it up to you. Just wait," or "Courtney...I'm about to do something. Be prepared," I just wanna be like....FUCKING KISS ME ALREADY!!!

Gah!

I've never felt this way before about a guy. I'm completely myself and happy and giddy.
I can't wait to hear from him or see him.

And I keep replaying his words over and over again about how he wants a relationship and about how we're best friends and what it means whenever he tells me stuff about his personal past or what it means when he begs me for a foot rub...or what it means when he asks me if I watch porn and stuff.

Do JUST friends do this?



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This kid is gonna be the death of me.