Well, I Guess This Is Growing Up

Sometimes I think I know more than I do. I really think it has to do with my age group. We all think we have it all figured out. We have passion for the things that drive us in life and we always think we're the "acception" to the rule. "We'll be better than our parents because of...," fill in the blank. I always thought that I was smart enough to learn from other's mistakes, but I find myself using their lives as a guideline instead. It's a confusing time in your life when you feel like you can conquer the world but all you have to face your battles are your words.

I've come to relish in the bliss of mornings where I lay in my silky sheets and stare out my window thinking about my shortcomings, mistakes, successes, loves and losses. Call it narcissism, but I find myself more interesting than anyone else. And I think it's because I know that I'll never fully understand who I am. I'm a research project. I change everyday based on new perspectives that have thrown themselves in my way.

Who will I be 10 years from now?

Will I finally put down my insecurities and protective shield and allow myself to fall in love? Will I be dumb enough to marry someone? Will it last? Will I contribute to our country's divorce rate? Because I don't want to just play the game to play it. If I fall, I want to have a place to land and a hand to hold when I get there. The unsteadiness of love discomforts me. Will I fall in love with someone that annoys the shit out of me? Because I've seen it happen. And I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling superior or enraged. Will I fall in love alone? Because I've done that enough already. It's the worst feeling going home at night, not sleeping because you want to belong to someone who's already stopped thinking about you days ago. And I have a feeling that guy will still be on my mind in my weakest moments in the future.

Am I any better than I was before? Am I any more the wise?

Or am I still in that phase where I think I know it all, and I still don't? And how do you know?

When will I ever know when I've grown up?

If I ever do...