Stop Being Nice Unless You're Going To Kiss Me

The holidays are over!

What did I do?

I spent a lot of time with Blake. Which is weird, right?
I thought maybe he liked me but the last couple of days, he's been acting strange towards me. So, I guess not.

The day before Christmas, we hung out.
On Christmas Eve, we went to get his CSS (or is it CCS??) Skater shit from UPS. He got his hand caught in the door and we ate at Red Lobster (mmmmm).
Then on Christmas, we hung out again with Jocelyn.
He wanted to go to Hollister the next day, so we went.
He texts me almost every day. Usually in the mornings.  

I mean....we've spent a lot of fuckin time together...he's told me a bunch of random stuff....like....I don't know if he likes me. But if phrases like:

"I'm done with hoes. I want a relationship that means something that isn't based just on sex. I think my last relationship was based on orgasms."

"I'm changing. I'm starting to think. Some of the stuff I've done is stupid..."

"I kinda want a girlfriend..."

"Look, I care about your opinions and thoughts."

....all those phrases mean something, right? In my direction? Or am I just being dumb?


I'm probably just being dumb.
Grr.


Yeah.
Dumb.



ON ANOTHER NOTE:
I have bronchitis. :( <----sad face
I can't keep from coughing, my face is breaking out, I've thrown up a gazillion times, work sucks and I can't smoke for 2 weeks.

Suckage.

There's A Lot of Things I Want, But All I'm Getting Is Old...

Holidays and parties and fun and losing weight...
"Wait...what? Did she just say 'losing weight'?"
Why yes, yes I did.
It's a tradition now, apparently. I can only lose weight during the holidays when I eat the most. Bullshit, right?


I went to my Dixie Cafe Christmas party last night. It was pretty much bogus.
Blake said he wasn't gonna show up, but he did.
He offered to let me come over and smoke with him before the party, which was very nice.
He's been being very nice to me lately.
He even told me that he's doing it on purpose.
Ha. So I'm not sure what to do with him because he says a lot of stuff, but I can't tell if he likes me or if I'm just overanalyzing everything out of porportion.

We went to Kristyn's afterwards though for a party and it was fun. Blake drank too much and started throwing up towards the end though, and I had to take him home. He's been texting me all day today about it.

God, I really like him.

What a pedophile, I am.

Oh well...it's not like I don't break the law everyday anyway....




P.S.
I got my ass groped by a 50 year old woman last night.
And by gosh damn...she did a better job than most men.
Weird or pathetic (on behalf of the men, at least)?


Yeah...weird.

I'm Letting Go Of My Anchors So That I Can Sail...

My head is alive.
For once.

I don't feel as depressed as I used to. Things are looking up.

For starters, I told Eric to fuck off basically.

Hold the applause.

I asked to come over and he asked if I had weed. Of course, when I said not enough, he decided I wasn't ENOUGH either. So I said, "I have to say this. I don't care if it's impulsive or if you decide to respond or not, but you treat me like shit. And maybe I allowed most of it. But it still sucks."
Guess what?
No reply.
That's how insecure assholes act when they get text messages that call them out on their bullshit.
He uses me.
And I'm better than that.
I deserve to be happy.
And even if he did decide to love me for everything I am; I would never trust him.

I think hanging out with Blake made me do it. Being with Blake shows me that I can be around a guy, be myself and have someone genuinely like me for me and my ideas.
Not for my boobs.

I needed to grow up and learn to let things go.

And yeah, the first few days sucked. Even now, I wanna grab my phone and see how Eric is doing. But another BIG part of me feels liberated that I stood up for myself and I'm pretty confident I can hold out on messaging him. If he wants me; he's got my number. I shouldn't have to chase a 28 year old man. He should realize how lucky he is to have me, and chase me.

But he won't catch me.
So.
Fuck him.

Blake and I aren't together. Maybe never will be. But he is not moving to Florida.
We're getting better at being friends and even though he's still flirting (playing his guitar for me, making lewd comments, trying to buy me food), I feel at peace around him.
I think I'm falling in love.
And this time I know it's real because it's slow and it feels good.
I feel happy. Alive. Content. Satisfied.
But at the same time I feel excited, frustrated and overly dramatic about it. Ha.
He makes me feel like I'm 16 again and no one tried to take advantage of me.

I just needed to realize that not all guys are using you.
Not all guys will kick you out of their house after they got what they wanted.
Some guys just like being around you because they like you for you.
And some guys will pay for their own food and weed instead of making you spend YOUR hard earned money on it.
Not all guys want to get you naked.
Hrm.....Well maybe they do. BUT...not all guys will lie to you and pretend to be another person JUST to sleep with you.
If you respect yourself, others with respect you too. And that's what I needed to do. Because I was NOT respecting myself at all.  I was throwing myself at whatever would take me because I didn't wanna feel alone.

And I've learned that you DO have to love yourself before others.
To be more specific, you've got to be able to see your faults, failures, highs and accomplishments, face them, accept them and still love yourself for everything you are and have done.
Because if you can't deal with who you are, then who you're presenting to others is a lie. It's fake. It's who you THINK you are and not who you REALLY are.

So guess what?
I get addicted to things easily. Like love. Weed. And mexican food.
I'm a bitch.
I like to start arguments just because I hate the silent sound of boredom.
I leave my clothes on the floor for months because I'm too lazy to put them on a hanger.
I'm a hypocrite sometimes and I cuss like a sailor.
And on the upside, I'm a good-hearted person.
I'm loyal and trustworthy.
I'm honest, even if it's brutal.
I have a super creative mind and a beautiful voice.

It's all me. And it's all good.
One day, I hope someone will seek this out and appreciate it.
And when they decide to; I'll be ready.
With guns a blazin'. ;P


So have a great week, readers. You deserve it.

I Loved You Then And I Love You Now

Things that have happened this last week?

Last Monday:
Car didn't start.
Took mom's van.
Picked up Jocelyn and Blake.
Went to Mitchell's.
O.o
Got stoned.
Drew pictures on his "living room" wall with highlighters while the blacklight was on. My picture of choice? A penis, of course. Teeheehee.
Tried a water bong.
Decided not to try a water bong again after seeing Blake inhale a shit ton of water and after tasting the most disgusting hit ever.
Called Kum n' Go (A gas station, not a porn shop) for fried chicken while high.
Went to Kum n' Go.
Saw cops.
Decided fried chicken wasn't all that important.
Drove around in the rain in a minivan completely baked until going home.

The rest of the week was a blur. Mostly involving Blake and/or Jocelyn and/or alcohol/weed.

I worked on Thanksgiving. It was so lame. 
Kristyn had a party planned for that night, and I had plans to go.
And I did.
So I bought some vodka for my friends, picked up Rodney and Blake and went.

It started off good.
A couple of shots.
A few passes of the joint.
I started being loud and shouty.
I remember telling Jocelyn that she needed to stay a virgin.

Then the night went bad.
I started throwing up every 20 minutes almost.
Luckily, I made it to the bathroom every time.
Even when Kristyn was using the actual toliet, she held my hair back while I puked in her bathtub while saying, "Do you need bread? I think bread fixes everything..."
After puking, I went in the living room and passed out on the floor ala superman style.
Jocelyn, of course, started kicking me and trying to get me to "lick Blake's asshole" because "it tastes like Strawberry Cake".

Whatever.

I drove home. Even though I shouldn't have.
And I regretted drinking.
Probably won't be doing that again.

The next day, I went to Blake's and hung out with him for a bit.

Then Saturday night, I went to Eric's. :)
So stupid, I know.
I tried to blow him off.
I told him I picked Blake over him to hang out with.
And he STILL wanted me to come over.
So I did.
And he let me stay the night this time. AGAIN.
He NEVER lets me stay. He always kicks me out.
But this time he let me stay the whole night, undisturbed.
And whenever I said I had to leave, he checked his phone to make sure we didn't have extra time.

So, I'm not getting my hopes up or anything, but I'm hoping that these are maybe prospecting signs for the future of this very unhealthy, staggering relationship.
And if it's not a good sign, maybe all this hanging with Blake stuff will pay off.

But he is a kid. And I know he wants to explore. So I know the chances of that are dismal.

Blah.

On another hand, I learned that Olay ProX Professional sucks balls.
I've been on Proactive/BareMinerals since I was 13. But that's expensive products for a waitress in Arkansas, so I decided to try other things.
I thought, for the first two weeks, that Olay would pay off because it was cleaning out my blackheads and smoothing my skin out. However, it never cleared my skin and actually caused it to break out more. I don't know if it's the skin care regimen or the Revlon makeup. I'm switching both though. I decided to try AcneFree Severe because it has benzoyl peroxide like Proactive and I know that Proactive at least worked at managing my acne even if it didn't clear me 100%. And I'm thinking about picking up some Smashbox foundation tomorrow since I'm saving money on my skin care regime (I went from $60/month to $22/month :D).

I always get super excited about makeup/body products/skin care products.
I could spend $1,000 on the crap.
The other girls can have their shoes. I want their makeup.


Oh, P.S., Eric mentioned moving to Oregon maybe. It bums me out.
I need to learn to get unattached so that I won't miss him.
He backtracked Saturday a little and said it was a 50% chance of him going.
But that's still 50% more than I like.
Hopefully, he doesn't go.

Maybe.

Maybe that'd be the only way for me to get over him though.
For him to leave.

Hm.

You're Not Half The Man Your Mama Is...

"You have to love yourself before you can love someone else."

Is this true?

I feel like it isn't.
I know a lot of people who hate themselves that are in relationships.

But if it IS true....I'm screwed.

I like myself alright.
But I know I'm overly sarcastic.
Three times this week, alone, I've been asked why I'm so "mean" all the time.

And really...I don't know.
I never tell people how good they are at things or how much I like spending time with them.
It's easier to just make snide comments and keep things on a shallow level.
I don't have to get to know someone, get attached and develop relationships.
And I'm pretty sure this is why every relationship I'm in turns to sex.
I'm terrified to sing in front of someone I'm crushing on because I feel like they'll judge me negatively, but I'm 100% fine with discussing how much porn I watch.
That's horrible.

Everytime I feel myself getting too close to someone in a relationship, my mind automatically goes to sex. I start sending racy messages and boob shots. And it's ridiculous that I do this, because I'm NOT going to have sex with the guy. I just like being a tease, I guess.

Maybe I should start loving myself.
Start doing some inner soul searching.
Stop being so mean all the time and tell someone how much they mean to me.
Because saying, "Hey, I really like spending time with you," means way more than, "Well...it was fun hanging with you...even though we did nothing...and it was boring...and I'm glad to leave. :D <---sarcastic smile"
I'll stop making sexual jokes and whenever I feel that tug on my heartstrings, I'll own up to the emotions I'm feeling and not try to discuss surface meaningless physical things.

I'll try working on and doing this, and maybe I'll find someone that's worthy of me.
Someone that doesn't just see me as a friend.
Someone that values me as a person.
Someone that finds my thoughts interesting.
Someone that knows what I'm saying before I say it because he's thinking the same thing.
Someone that knows what I'm laughing about because he's laughing at the same thing too.
Someone that makes me happy and makes me think about them every day.

I want that.



And if I can't have that, then the world can keep it's fucking "monogamy" because I'll be starting a puppy farm.

It is strange how we hold on to the pieces of the past while we wait for our futures...

I hate guys.
How they play girls against each other.
Ridiculous.

Anyway.

My mom found my pot.
I leave it in this old purse thinking that it's portable plus no one cares enough to look in it.
Well, I decided to smoke a bit before work while I was curling my hair to pass the time. I left my purse in the bathroom floor after I got done, and thought, "I need to get that when I leave."

But I didn't.

Next thing I know I'm at work and my phone goes off and there's a message from my mom saying, "I found your purse, or what I thought was your purse...NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU DO!!!"

So I feel sick. And I go home thinking I'm gonna get kicked out because it's a total disrespect of the rules.
But she doesn't even talk to me.
And when she does it's only to say that she's dissappointed and that she'll kick me out if she finds it again.

So that sucks.

She doesn't want my dad to know. She thinks it'll ruin his delusions that I'm a perfect girl. I'd rather tell him though. It's better than having him hug me and call me his "little girl" while seeing my mom roll her eyes in the background.

So she's been a jerk to me because of that. I don't blame her, but still.

On another note, Sundays at DickSuck Cafe are horrible.
Always a bunch of snotty christian people who just came from church complaining because they have to WAIT for a table. Maybe if you didn't come in with 20 people, you'd have an easier time.

But I work with this girl named Taylor.
Everyone hates her really.
She's 16 and she's immature.
All she does is complain because she's sick, she sits around and then rambles about random guys that she dates for 2 weeks and that means it's "love".
She likes to boss me around.
Taylor: *smiling at guests* "How many do you have? 5? Courtney, go sit Caleb." *thrusts menus in my face* "Oh, and wipe that table down when you come back."

*smack*

So annoying.

After going through 3 hours of that torture, I decide to swing by WalMart and get my birth control. People are parked in the fire zone by the door and it's crowded, so I think, "with the 30 seconds I'm going to be in there, I might as well just park here in this handicapped spot and run in and run out."

As I'm walking in, some big fat ghetto lady and her friend stop me.
Lady: "Where is your sticker?"
Me: *walking and ignoring*
Lady: "Excuse me, where is your sticker for that spot? Are you disabled? What if someone disabled wanted to park there?"
Me: "I'm just running into the pharmacy for 30 seconds. There's other parking spots." *walks away*
Lady: "Sometimes I wish I were a cop....You want me to call the cops??!! Do you want me to wait out here by your car while I call the cops??"
Me: *still walking away* "Do it."
Lady: *thinking I work there because Dixie Cafe's uniform is the same as WalMart's* "...I don't care if she works here....I'll still call the cops."

Why did she care sooo much?
First of all, half of my family is on disability. I know the rules. And honestly, most people on disability CAN walk farther than a handicapped parking spot.
Second of all, It took me two minutes to walk in. So why is it okay for people to park in the FIRE zone and wait for people to walk in and walk out, but it's NOT okay for someone to momentarily park in a handicap zone just to run in and run out? Aren't they both illegal? So why wasn't she harrassing them?
Third of all, what went wrong in her life that she had to follow me around yelling at me about something that was none of her concern.

Made me so mad.
I wanted to just turn around and say, "Lady, I don't know if you went to church this morning or not, but you need to stop being a bitch. And don't worry about being a cop. You couldn't fit in the uniform, you fatass cracked out bitch."

But I didn't.
I was a good girl.
:)

Then, today, I log onto Facebook and I see Eric has got this Kalie girl everywhere. They're hanging out watching porn and painting pictures and quoting each other and liking each other's status'. And even though I shouldn't be jealous because he's an asshole and I'm trying to stay away, I totally am still jealous.
It sucks.
I hate that I care.
For real.


But.
I guess that's it.
So.
Take care.

My God, You Tempt My Anxious Mind...

"1957" by Milo Greene...listen to it and love it.

So here I am.
Again.
Staring at this computer screen with so much to say and no way to say it.

I always feel like this. Trapped. Everything that I want to say, I surpress and keep quiet.
And I hate it.
I hate that I can't tell people what I want to say because I feel like I'll annoy them, chase them away or make them dislike me.

Actually, now that I'm on the subject (and because I'm afraid of another rambling blog with no valuable content), I'll write the top things I'd like to say to a few people.

So, it's like venting, but it's also safe. And maybe if it's good enough; I'll say it to their face.


Person of Interest Numbero Uno:
I'm not stupid. I know when you use me. I know when you lie to me. You think you're clever. I don't know if you think this because of your narcisisstic character flaw or since you're older than me, you think you have the upper hand.
Neither really matters.
You don't take me seriously. You don't see me as an equal. You don't respect me or take my feelings into question.
I changed myself to be what I thought you wanted me to be and then you didn't want it.
Now I don't know who I am anymore. I can't tell if I'm being myself or if I'm being you.
As long as you're happy, that's all that matters.
And you think that I'm dumb enough to fall for your lies and let you kiss me...but I know you're lying...and I know I'm dumb too, because I still kiss you.
I fell in a sort of love with you years ago, and those immature feelings still linger.
I hate it. I hate that I still feel attached to you whenever you forget me before I even arrive.
I'm afraid that you'll forget me forever and you'll never speak to me again.
But I don't know why. I don't know what I'm holding out for.
For you to love me?
No, because I know you never could. And even if by some cosmic chance you decided too; you'd fail me by cheating or by pushing me away.
For friendship?
No, because I can't trust you and you don't care about me.
So what?
I'm holding onto nothing, just hoping that the final damage isn't that bad.
I'll continue to talk to you, but I don't know why or if I even should.
I'm sorry that I'm not what you wanted in a girl.
I'm sorry that I let you kiss me.
I'm sorry that I wasted emotion-filled kisses on you.
I'm sorry that you were on my mind for 3 years straight, almost on a daily basis.
I'm sorry that you hate yourself.
Because even though you're an asshole, you still deserve love.
But since you believe in karma, I'm hoping that when you do fall in love, she treats you the way you treated me.


Person of Interest Numbero 2!:
I like you.
Every time we're in a room together, I wanna be as close to you as I can get.
I've imagined kissing you a thousand times.
I'm afraid that I'm not pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough for you.
I'm afraid that by saying how I feel, we'll ruin our friendship.
And even though it's not been that long of one; I still don't wanna lose it.
It's been a really long time since I've felt like myself around a guy. I can say anything to you and not feel judged.
I hope that our relationship will continue to bloom.
Even if it is slow.
I can deal with slow torture just as long as I get you in the end. ;)

Person of Interest Numbah Tree:
I know I've disappointed you.
I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can say.
But my flaws aren't a reflection of you.
They're a reflection of my humanity.
I'm an adult now and I can make my own mistakes and decisions.
You're worried that I'm making the wrong ones, and sometimes I feel like I am too.
Please forgive me for who I am today.
I'll try to make it up to you tomorrow.

Person of Interest Number F-F-F-ourrrrr:
I'm jealous of you.
Completely.
You're my best friend.
Everyone loves you. Everyone invites you to parties, asks where you're at, asks about your life and smiles when they see you.
I feel like a copycat of you even though I'm not.
We're so alike that it's hard for me to be myself. I don't want others who knew you before me to think that I'm trying to be something I'm not.
You're beautiful and you have an amazing heart.
I admire your strength in character and that you smile so brightly even though you've lost so much.



Well, that's all I got for right now.
I'll add later if I can think of anything else.


So...quick life update....
Been working a lot...well, not a lot actually. I've been giving shifts away. But that's stupid because I need the money. Lazy, yes?
Blake hit on me alllll night on Halloween when I wore my police outfit.
But he's been kinda stand-offish since then. I don't know if he's trying to push me away or if I'm just reading too much into it.
I'm going to assume the latter, because I do it with everything.
I'll just chill and take my time on that.

Wish me luck! :)
Court