It's All Okay, Cuz Love Will Find A Way To Be

Well.
Damn.
I'm shitty at keeping up with this thing, eh?

Oh well.

Eric ended up talking to me. He wanted me to have an abortion.
First of all,  how can you ask me to do that to MY body?
Not only would I have to deal with the physical pain, but I'd have the emotional and mental angst of knowing that I gave a part of me up because of "inconvience".
I hate believing that people are better than they are.
He would live the rest of his life not caring about what happened to me and to the baby, but I'd have to think about it everyday.

It disappoints me to know that he won't step up.
And instead of taking responsibility for his actions, he blames me.

It's never him, it's always everyone else.

He didn't have a job because of the economy.
NOT because he sat in his room all day texting random hoes, watching DvDs and getting high all the time.

He's not a famous musician because of the fucked music industry.
NOT because he needs vocal lessons because he's too pitchy to be professional.

When girls start arguing with him, it's "those girls" and "their drama".
NOT because he was juggling them around, they found out about each other, thought they were special and now realize that they were just used.

When he doesn't get to see Zoey, it's Jessica's fault.
NOT because he won't get a job to support her and get a new car to see her.

And it's Jessica's fault they had a child because she got pregnant "on purpose".
NOT because it was an accident. Because everyone knows that she used her OWN penis, right?

It's all bullshit to help him sleep better at night.
It's in his narcissistic nature to blame everyone so that he isn't the one feeling guilty.

He thinks I got pregnant on purpose too.
Go figure.

It'll probably be my fault forever.
Whatever.

He can go ahead and tell himself whatever he needs to help him, because in 18 years from now, I'll have a child that can thank me for unconditional love and support. And he'll have nothing but regrets because he wasn't man enough to step up and take responsibility.

That's on him. I hope he can deal with it.

He'll have a phone full of numbers he can't call anymore. A bunch of girls he could've been happy with, but used instead. A list of girls he's fucked but an empty heart. A bowl full of weed, but a life full of sadness and regrets.

I'll have love. Understanding. Happiness. :)

Later.
Oh, and God Bless.
Court

Oh, Baby, Baybeh, Ahhh, Push It

Ohhhhh boy.
Or girl.
Whichever.

So....surprise! I'm preggo.

Yup.

At first, when I found out, I felt bad for Eric (he's the father, I ain't THAT big of a hoe that I don't know).
But given recent events, I don't anymore.
I feel sorry for me.
Because I'm the one that has to explain to everyone that I got knocked up by someone who doesn't care about me.
I'm the one that has to say that I don't know if my child will have a father or not.
He said he'd "call soon" 3 days ago.
And maybe that's not long enough? But for me it feels like torture.

If I had gotten pregnant by someone who LOVED me, I'd have someone saying they'd help me right now, instead of me being left alone, unknowing, and suffering.

Maybe he does have another kid. Maybe he does have Zoey too. And he just now got his life together. I don't care.

I can't take it back. I can't go back and erase my bad decision.
Unless I believed in abortion.
Which I don't.

I'm ready to move forward and give my child love and acceptance and to teach them to love and accept others too.

Eric can be there for the ride or not.

I'll send him some tickets to the show.
It's up to him to show up.




I'll rant somemore about details later, I'm sure.
But for now...work! *sigh*

Court

The Bandwagon's Full, But Ya'll Can Run Behind It. Sorry.

"Rushing, rushing until life is no fun.
All I gotta do is live and die;
But I'm in a hurry and don't know why."

Yes, Alabama. This IS how I feel today. Thanks for the artisitic contribution.

Anyways.

Eff the whole Blake situation.
He's a little boy.
He even goes out of his way to not talk to me.

Dumb.

However, his little girlfriend (whom I like sorta), is being EXTREMELY nice. And that worries me. Because Andy's girlfriend, who knows her, says she's a fake person. And if so, I'm not wasting my time to try to be good aquaintances with her just so she can lie to my face.
I'm worth more than that.

So.
It's his problem.

I'm sorry I wasted my time being his friend now. Because we were close....

....but not as close as I was to Eric last night.

Which...he is actually being extra nice lately. Asking to hang out more and treating me better and vice versa. Maybe this is going in a good direction. Or maybe it's the right direction in a shitty vehicle, but it's still worth the trip. I think I'll chance it.

Also, I've come to appreciate myself more.
I am beautiful.
And I'm strong.
And I've lost 20+ lbs already. :)

So really...right now...my life is just...simply... :)


Court

As I Burn, You Burn Out

A bunch of bullshit has happened.

Instead of trying to cram in all of my feelings and moments that have happened in the recent past, I'm going to forget it and just talk about the now.

I know, you miss a lot of exciting shit, but "yolo" right? Fuckin hate yolo. Annoying.

Anyways.

Sooooooo much drama at work.

I wondered why Blake was acting so rude towards me....turns out people said I was talking shit. AKA: Morgan and Pick.
I know this because the only things I've said about Blake and his new girl, Shania, (yeah...he got a gf...who also works with us...) I said to only those two.

And they were:

Blake came up there to see Shania in the soda fountain. It was 8 pm and close to closing and I was a closer. So when Morgan asked if we needed anything, I jokingly said, "Yeah. Will you please send Shania home, because I'm tired of seeing Blake's face." Which. I meant like, "I'm tired of seeing two teenagers flirt all night," but I guess someone thought it meant, "I'm jealous."
Hm.
Not really.

On Sunday Shania sat Blake's section.
Me: "Well, well. Since you sat your boyfriend you gotta go outside and get him cause he yells at me."
Shania: "He's not my boyfriend!! haha" *walks away*
*Pick standing next to me looking at me*
Me: *in a dull bored tone* fuck me, pick. just. fuck me.
*Pick laughs and walks away to say something to Blake*
I honestly don't give a fuck. I was just trying to be funny because Pick always picks on me for being Blake's "girlfriend".

I mean. Honestly. I do give a fuck. I really do. It bothers me that Blake is talking to anyone at all other than me because I did like him.

HOWEVER, I have been going out of my way to be a big girl about it and keep my disappointments and accusations to myself and my two other best friends at the moment. I haven't talked shit at work. I haven't said anything that anyone else hasn't said.

The other morning, Shania's sister, who is our manager, was talking shit about it all day with her boyfriend who is our bus dish.

...this store is really fucked up now that i think about it. Everyone is related and whatever.

Anyways...Morgan thinks it's cool to go to Blake and tell him that I'm saying "shit about him" whenever she's the one who said that her sister "wasn't going to be a nobody. She was going to be something in life. Not a high school drop out like Blake."?
It's okay to say that Blake is basically not good enough for your sister and is a fuck up...and her boyfriend said worse shit...THAT'S okay, but what I said about sending her sister home so I didn't have to see a guy that I'm trying to get over flirt with a girl that I'm trying to not hate, that's NOT okay?

Haha.

But I'm the bad one. I'm the jealous one. I'm just sooooo jealous of a sixteen year old girl having a huge crush on an 18 year old who couldn't even kiss me properly and then freaked out when things got too far?
He was making out with her basically last night at work by his car.
So I'd say she's having better luck.
They're probably going to be a good couple for a little while.
And I'm glad he's happy and is sorta getting his shit together.

I'm basically over Blake anyway. It just is seeing the relationship unfold in front of me that hurts. And maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if Blake hadn't stopped being my friend and started hating me overnight.

He sent me a message saying, "Good. Get the fuck out of my life then."

I drove him an hour out of town to get weed for him.
I stopped at numerous gas stations to get cigarettes for him when he was 17.
I bought him McDonald's before I'd come over and get him high.
I'd drive him to fast food at 3 a.m. for breakfast even after I told him I didn't want to.
I rushed to get away from my family on Christmas just so I could spend time with him.
I spent New Year's with HIM instead of ERIC. And we alllll know how much I love my Eric time. For real.

I did sooooo much for him.

I felt like we were friends and that I could trust him.
But if he thinks I'm the person who would backstab him and slander his name every where; then I guess I shouldn't have trusted him at all.

And it's sad. And yeah, in my heart, I was jealous for a few days. But I've always been able to move on quickly and after a few days, all was healed. Until he went and made this big thing at work.

And I saw him talking behind my back telling people to schedule him on days I don't work and shit.

But I....I.....Me....IIIIIIIII...I talked shit.

Hahahaha.


Fuck off.

I'll never understand why people who are so desperate for someone to care about them, push away the people who want to care about them the most.

Just goes to show that people show you their true selves through their actions and not their words.

And I have to accept that Blake is 18 and he doesn't know who he is and he's going to be an asshole.

End of a friendship. And so much wasted time.

Onto new relationships and awkward time.

Which.

Hopefully.

Eric will be seeing me soon.
My birthday and such.
He's been being very good to me.
I'm not going to get into intimate details on our sex life, but you can definitely tell he's trying to get me to come see him more often. ;)

And I love his kisses.

I'm so stupid for liking this asshole.

But hey.
At least he stayed my friend through some rough patches instead of running.
Because he knew who I was and that I was honest even to a fault.
And he accepted that.

And those are true friends.

Can't You Love Me Another Day?

I'm angry.
I'm angry that you were my friend.
I told you so much.
You trusted in me.
We shared so many things with one another.
I know you felt what was between us.
Then one day you just decide to blow me off.
Pretend I don't exist.
But I do.

I'm sorry if I acted in a way that told you I didn't want you.
Because I do.

And if you're blowing me off because you don't want a relationship with me; then you're dumb. Because I can be your friend.

Everyone in your life has abandoned you. Left you to fend for yourself. Clean up your own hurt and mend your own scars. No one has really loved you how you should've been loved. But I could.
See.
I see your intelligence. I see the care and kindness. The ambition to be something more than you are but the humbleness to accept the burdens along the way.

I kinda fell for you.

I spend too much time thinking about you.
Everyday I do it.
And they say if you think about something everyday; then you don't throw it away. You keep it. You try to salvage it.

These last few weeks without knowing you has been torture.
I keep wanting to confide in you. To share your space. Feel your appreciation for my thoughts, wants and feelings.



So uh.
Basically....



I miss you.

Well, I Guess This Is Growing Up

Sometimes I think I know more than I do. I really think it has to do with my age group. We all think we have it all figured out. We have passion for the things that drive us in life and we always think we're the "acception" to the rule. "We'll be better than our parents because of...," fill in the blank. I always thought that I was smart enough to learn from other's mistakes, but I find myself using their lives as a guideline instead. It's a confusing time in your life when you feel like you can conquer the world but all you have to face your battles are your words.

I've come to relish in the bliss of mornings where I lay in my silky sheets and stare out my window thinking about my shortcomings, mistakes, successes, loves and losses. Call it narcissism, but I find myself more interesting than anyone else. And I think it's because I know that I'll never fully understand who I am. I'm a research project. I change everyday based on new perspectives that have thrown themselves in my way.

Who will I be 10 years from now?

Will I finally put down my insecurities and protective shield and allow myself to fall in love? Will I be dumb enough to marry someone? Will it last? Will I contribute to our country's divorce rate? Because I don't want to just play the game to play it. If I fall, I want to have a place to land and a hand to hold when I get there. The unsteadiness of love discomforts me. Will I fall in love with someone that annoys the shit out of me? Because I've seen it happen. And I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling superior or enraged. Will I fall in love alone? Because I've done that enough already. It's the worst feeling going home at night, not sleeping because you want to belong to someone who's already stopped thinking about you days ago. And I have a feeling that guy will still be on my mind in my weakest moments in the future.

Am I any better than I was before? Am I any more the wise?

Or am I still in that phase where I think I know it all, and I still don't? And how do you know?

When will I ever know when I've grown up?

If I ever do...

I'm A Beatles To These Young Kids

I slept with Eric.
Blake basically doesn't talk to me anymore.
I've been texting Eric's best friend, Bryce.
He kinda sucks.
Keeps asking for tit pics then getting mad when I accuse him of asking for tit pics.
I'm downloading music.
Mac Miller.
Rihanna.
First Aid Kit.
Alabama Shakes.
Anything I can do illegally; I will.
And that includes smoking some pot while doing all these tasks.


Whenever I feel like explaining myself further; I'll pop on in.
Til next time, bitches...