Before I Burst Into Tears

It's not often that I write a blog back to back.
But I just feel like I have to.

I don't know why I let meaningless guys get in my way.

I think I'm alright. I think I'm fine.

But then I make the mistake of sleeping with him again.
And I convince myself that I can be just friends.
He always says something that hurts me.
"Are you 'the one' that I was supposed to eat pastries with?" (no, I'm not.)
"Guess I gotta get a date book." (for what? to keep your girls in check?)

*click on Facebook* He's friends with some Misty girl. *click on his page* Misty: "Oh hey, stranger. Haven't spoken to you in a while. ;D" Him: "Pshh, I talked to you last week." (oh, did you? the week you were ignoring me?)


I don't want to be just a girl that lays in his bed and he forgets when I leave.
I'm totally in love with him and I try to hide it.


And the thing is; he'll never care.
He'll never feel the same.
I'm nothing.

I never was anything to him anyway.
So I don't know why I'm so hurt by it.



Maybe all I'm worth is just sex to him.
The price I pay him for my bad habits.


And when I'm gone...when he's settled down...will he ever even remember who I was and why I ever came around?





Probably not.


Imma go be depressed now.

Well, At Least I Still Have My Books

I'm tired of Facebook.
Reading people's status'.

"I love my husband. Laying in his arms...best feeling EVERRRRR!!! XD"
*Picture of baby* "Isn't she so cute??"
"I'm so in love, it hurts."

Blah, blah, blah.

You know what??
I'm tired of people and their love.
And I'll go ahead and say that it is because I'm bitter and jealous.
I'm not even going to lie about it.

I'm jealous because every guy I date either has a pussy hidden away, is ready to get married before getting to know a person (which is crazy and desperate) or they're a big giant asshole that has no intentions of settling down with any girl and if he did; it wouldn't be me.

Sooooo frustrating.
I just want to be in love for a day.
Just one day.

I'm not even asking for a whole day.
Just the part that I don't sleep away.

So if any guy is out there and wants to fake love for a few hours; call me up.
I'm ready to fake crush on your ass.
It'll be a journey.
A love story that you'll wanna write about.
I'll bake you a cake.
I'll write you a cheesy song and sing it to you topless.
I'll buy you a puppy and name it after your favorite movie character.
We'll watch the sunset and make love outside under the stars with Bright Eyes playing in the background.
Whatever you wanna do; we'll do it.

This gun's for hire, even if we're just dancing in the dark.
That's right; I know Springsteen.
We'll sing that shit if you wanna.
I know how to belt it.

I'm taking applications now for love interest.

So...get on that.

The window is only open for the next.....year....or 2....5?



Alrighty. Take care. :D

If I Didn't Know Any Better, I'd Be In Love With You

It's 7 a.m. and I feel like I have nothing to say.
But I'm gonna say it anyway.

I'm hoping, that by rambling, some sort of hidden knowledge that I've surpressed will pop out and make me feel a little more happy inside. Ease some tension. Release the emotions that I try to keep hidden.

It's not too often that I'm honest with myself.
I seem to be the only person I lie to.
I keep making up excuses so that I don't have to face the truth.
I pretend that I see truths; but all I see are mirages.

Because if someone loves you; they don't hurt you.
And if you love someone; then they shouldn't make you feel worthless.

You should feel whole. And happy. And all that other nonsense that comes with being in love and being happy and surrendering.
Surrender.
Boy, I'd do anything to learn to do that.
I can't seem to let my reins go when it comes to love though.

There's only so many times a boy can make you believe with your whole heart that he loves you, and then take it back before you start to question every other relationship you're entering. And it's not the new guy's fault.

But if there's one thing that I've learned through the years, it's that when it comes to boys; it's all about the sex.

There's not a guy that will turn it down.
Not a guy on the face of the earth that doesn't want to hear your breathy moans on the receiving end of the phone line.
Not one who would be digusted by a text message detailing the many things you'd imagine doing to him for hours.
Not a single guy that would not take you up on an offer to "hang out".
And let's face it: It's never really "hanging out", is it?
Nope.
Just kisses, rushed touches and words that are forgotten once they leave your mouth.

Sometimes I feel like it's all I'm worth.
And it's stupid to believe so.
I know I'm not.
I have to admit, that it's a useful tool though.

I used to condemn the women who slept with men wanting love in the end.
"He doesn't have to like you to fuck you. And you're not winning him over by doing so." <-----things I've said to others before.
But do I ever take my own words to heart? No.

And I'm not saying that I don't want to desire a guy and that I don't want him to desire me back.
I'm just saying that it'd be nice for a guy to want to talk to me without trying to bring it up for once.

Yeah.
A bunch of misguided words with no thesis.
But I feel slightly less bored with them.

Adios.

What's Love Got To Do With It???

So.

It's been a while, huh?

See, I let someone I kinda-sorta know read this thing. So I've been hesitant to write again. I don't know why. But I'm gonna do it anyway.

I've noticed that I use a lot of cuss words. I kinda wanna go back and edit some of them out. But I think I'm gonna leave em and use it as a reminder that I need to cut back.
Pronto.

Weirdest thing:
Seth from high school has been messaging me.

Backstory:
Seth was a drummer in our high school band. And the mayor's son. So when he got caught smoking pot and fucking girls by our band teacher; his dad would make a monetary donation to the band council to keep it hush-hush. Seth pretty much had a bunch of young girl groupies. It's like he knew they were crushing and he took full advantage. Well, he was 3 years older than me, so of course, I kinda thought he was cute too. I think he knew that, but it was no big deal then.

I sent him a message on Facebook when I was 16. And all of a sudden, he messages me 5 years later saying he always liked me.

Riiiight.

He liked my rack. Even in high school it was huge.

But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said he could text me.
And he's been asking me out for like, 3 months now and I keep using excuses like, "well, I don't make plans" and "we'll see. I'm a busy girl."

I sound like Eric. ha.
But I'm really not busy. And I really prefer plans in advance.
So I'm a liar.

I'm just hesitant. Why would a guy all of a sudden wanna hang out with me?

And so I've basically narrowed down the options:
A.) He's friends with Chris (who I slept with) and he's "heard" some things and wants to test them out.

B.) He's ran out of options on who to fuck. So he picked a random girl on Facebook chat and gave it a go.

C.) He saw me on Amber's Facebook friends, and after he got through sucking face with her, he was like, "Hey, Courtney...I remember her. She used to like me. Hmm."

With any option; he's wanting ass.
And I already got a friends with benefit thing going. So I don't need a second one.

I may go on the date, just to move past Eric. But I'm still not at ease on where his intentions lie.

Eric update?
I saw him last week. He told me he'd be home in the next 3 days and we could hang. But he never went home. So he moved it back. And then he never went home then, either...so he's moved it back until next week. Moving it back. Ugh. He either really doesn't wanna go home. Or he really doesn't wanna go home with me.
Either way, I'm kinda just over it.
I deserve better, fo sho.

Maybe I should give actual LOVE a chance in my life and leave the sexual desires behind?

Life's better than way, right?


Hm.