I texted Larry to see if he paid our utility bill...again.
He was supposed to pay it off because my family helped him with his medical expenses.
But he probably didn't.
Why?
Because he's a BIG FUCKIN DOUCHEBAG!!
That's why.
He kept calling me a whore and a stoner (which, okay, given recent weed intake, I can't deny, but it's still not his right to name call). He was all, "Have fun with your new stoner boyfriend."
I guess he thinks I'm dating Blake because he lives on an adjacent street from Blake and I'm pretty sure he can at least see my car over there 4-5 times during the week. But Blake and I are just friends (I'll get to that later).
It just makes me mad that he makes up these things about me in his head that aren't true and even when I tell him the truth, he still thinks he's correct.
What a dumb fuck.
I'm just pissed at him.
Really.
He fucked my life up.
He raped me, okay?
I'm supposed to go on emotionally from that and he's sitting around not caring and, instead of saying sorry, calls me names and puts me down.
Out of all the guy's I've dated/met/loved, he's always been the best at hitting something animalistic inside of me and making me crack.
But I'm done with it.
He's not worth even the breath God gives him.
****Breathe!!!*****
****And Exhale!!!*****
Alrighty....
Well, Blake and I are just friends and that's okay.
Except I'd appreciate it if he didn't tease me by joking about making out, or telling me where he masturbates or saying, "No, Courtney, I won't kiss you", whenever I haven't even said anything about it.
I don't understand why he keeps mentioning sex.
Maybe he does like me more than a friend.
But based on previous assessments; he doesn't. And I'm not going to even go back down the road of thinking he will.
It only leads to letdowns.
But he is of age now.
So that's a plus.
Eric said he might be going to jail. I thought maybe he was, but he messaged his hoe on Facebook recently, so I guess he's just done talking to ME. Which, is kinda okay. I figured he would anyway. The last time he saw me; he was a complete douchebag and the sex was God awful.
He couldn't even get it up.
And that's not the first time.
I don't understand how you can't maintain a hard-on whenever you have it rubbing against some girl's wet pussy while she's begging you to fuck her.
How does that even happen?
Sorry about the graphic scenario, but really, I'm not going to sugar coat it by "penis" and "vagina" and PG-13 words. Makes it waaay more dumb.
I'm still not over him. That'll still take time. But I'm in the process.
I need time to myself.
Because I'm not happy.
I'm drowning.
Sometimes I just wanna never wake up.
And that's not me.
I need to find myself within my own soul and stop waiting for a man to come and save me from myself.
Yup.
well, anyway...I'm done rambling.
Court
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
Don't Ask Questions You Don't Want The Answer To...
1. What is more difficult for you; looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
Both are really hard. I'd say that someone telling me how they feel while looking in my eyes is hardest though. I don't know why. Feelings and emotions make me anxious.
2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry.
REALLY angry? Years ago. But one of my managers said I belonged in daycare the other day. He messed up an order and tried blaming me for it. If he had done his job properly; nothing wrong would've happened. It made me mad that he tried to call me immature and ignorant. Don't insult my intelligence. Ever.
3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to make ONE phone call. Who would you call?
I'd wanna call my mom, but she's very long-winded and she'd take up all my time with her crying and interrupting me to talk about herself like she usually does. So probably my grandma. She'd remember everything I said and could pass along my love and messages to others.
4. You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
A.) I'd tell everyone, yeah. I'd want them to know and not be blindsided.
B.) I'd quit my job, stop wasting time and do the things I want to do like singing in front of 100's of people, skydiving and admitting my true feelings to everyone.
C.) At first, I'd be scared, but then I'd accept my fate and prepare myself.
5. You can have one of the following two things: trust/love.
TRUST. I just find more comfort in that right now.
6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
I'd save the dog. Who would let a dog drown just for monetary reasons? Fuck that job. A life, even if it is small, is worth soo much more.
7. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Right now, I'd go to Italy. I think it'd be fun to eat a lot of pizza and walk around on cobblestone roads drunk.
8. Think of the last person who you really knew that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you?
Yes. A thousand times. I'd do anything to have him back in my life for just a second. I'd trade 10 years for a minute of his smile, his laugh and his words.
9. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
Yeah. I'm a very giving person. Although, sometimes I'm shady, I always follow through on what I say I'm gonna do.
10. Does love = sex?
Sex and love are two seperate things. You can love in many different stages with many different people. Sex is based on attraction. If I'm in love you, I'll probably have sex with you. But at that point, it's beyond sex because of the intimacy.
11. Your best friend dies, what would you do?
Cry. Be depressed. Probably start an addiction.
.....Oh, fuck...wait, that's right....I already have one. My bad.
12. When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?
I wish I could do it right now. But it ain't happening. I guess whenever I told Eric that he treated me like shit is whenever I was honest with my feelings last. I wish I could be honest with everyone all the time though. There's a lot of things I want to say that get stuck inside.
13. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
I've been in both positions. It's hard both ways. But I find it harder to tell someone I love them, because the rebuttal is going to effect me long-term. Yeah, it sucks to let people down, but in 5 days, my life and emotions will be back to normal. If I love someone, and they say no, then I have to deal with that. And if they say they love me back, well...I'll have to deal with that too. :)
14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on?
Hmm. I was going to say weed, because we both know how I'm attached to that one. However, love is something that I have always relied on. I don't know if it's because I'm a girl or what, but love is something that I believe can pull you through time. It heals, it breaks, it feeds loneliness, it feeds pain, it grows, it leaves, it's everything and it can leave you with nothing. Love is the best and most powerful thing on earth.
15. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
Yesterday. My mom always shouts it out the window when I leave for work. And my daddy told me too. I have a very loving family that I'm entirely ungrateful for. I need to work on that.
16. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you had “no regrets” what would it be?
The person I lost my virginity too. The reasons for doing it were wrong and I ended up using someone. The situation was just wrong. I regret it, but I know i can't change it. I wish I could rewind and make love with someone who loved me.
17. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call?
911. I'm not fucking around.
18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
I'm CPR-certified. So. I think that means I kinda have to. But I would even if I didn't have to. Homeless people are still people and they deserve to live. No matter if they do smell like a dumpster.
19. Are you old fashioned?
Only in some minor ways. I don't believe a guy should open the door; I have hands. I don't think a man should pay for my food. He earned his money and he didn't eat my food, so I'll pay. I don't think that I belong in the kitchen, because we both know my talents are in the bedroom (but I am a bomb-ass cook too). Respect me. I'm a partner. I'm open-minded and ready to listen.
BUT, you are a man. So hold me like I'm a woman. And be ready to lead if you have to. That's sort of old-fashioned, right? Giving the man the upper hand?
20. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?
True love with heart break. It's worth it. You can't have love without loss.
21. If you could do anything OR wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish?
For more wishes? Hahaha. Just kidding. Everyone says that.
Hmm.
I'd wish for a better life without worrying about money.
I'd wish for a love that would make me feel whole and last a lifetime.
I'd wish for peace and understanding in the hearts of everyone in the world.
I'd wish for a nice home, a handsome husband and loving crazy kids.
All of that crap up there.
Both are really hard. I'd say that someone telling me how they feel while looking in my eyes is hardest though. I don't know why. Feelings and emotions make me anxious.
2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry.
REALLY angry? Years ago. But one of my managers said I belonged in daycare the other day. He messed up an order and tried blaming me for it. If he had done his job properly; nothing wrong would've happened. It made me mad that he tried to call me immature and ignorant. Don't insult my intelligence. Ever.
3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to make ONE phone call. Who would you call?
I'd wanna call my mom, but she's very long-winded and she'd take up all my time with her crying and interrupting me to talk about herself like she usually does. So probably my grandma. She'd remember everything I said and could pass along my love and messages to others.
4. You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
A.) I'd tell everyone, yeah. I'd want them to know and not be blindsided.
B.) I'd quit my job, stop wasting time and do the things I want to do like singing in front of 100's of people, skydiving and admitting my true feelings to everyone.
C.) At first, I'd be scared, but then I'd accept my fate and prepare myself.
5. You can have one of the following two things: trust/love.
TRUST. I just find more comfort in that right now.
6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
I'd save the dog. Who would let a dog drown just for monetary reasons? Fuck that job. A life, even if it is small, is worth soo much more.
7. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Right now, I'd go to Italy. I think it'd be fun to eat a lot of pizza and walk around on cobblestone roads drunk.
8. Think of the last person who you really knew that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you?
Yes. A thousand times. I'd do anything to have him back in my life for just a second. I'd trade 10 years for a minute of his smile, his laugh and his words.
9. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
Yeah. I'm a very giving person. Although, sometimes I'm shady, I always follow through on what I say I'm gonna do.
10. Does love = sex?
Sex and love are two seperate things. You can love in many different stages with many different people. Sex is based on attraction. If I'm in love you, I'll probably have sex with you. But at that point, it's beyond sex because of the intimacy.
11. Your best friend dies, what would you do?
Cry. Be depressed. Probably start an addiction.
.....Oh, fuck...wait, that's right....I already have one. My bad.
12. When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?
I wish I could do it right now. But it ain't happening. I guess whenever I told Eric that he treated me like shit is whenever I was honest with my feelings last. I wish I could be honest with everyone all the time though. There's a lot of things I want to say that get stuck inside.
13. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
I've been in both positions. It's hard both ways. But I find it harder to tell someone I love them, because the rebuttal is going to effect me long-term. Yeah, it sucks to let people down, but in 5 days, my life and emotions will be back to normal. If I love someone, and they say no, then I have to deal with that. And if they say they love me back, well...I'll have to deal with that too. :)
14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on?
Hmm. I was going to say weed, because we both know how I'm attached to that one. However, love is something that I have always relied on. I don't know if it's because I'm a girl or what, but love is something that I believe can pull you through time. It heals, it breaks, it feeds loneliness, it feeds pain, it grows, it leaves, it's everything and it can leave you with nothing. Love is the best and most powerful thing on earth.
15. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
Yesterday. My mom always shouts it out the window when I leave for work. And my daddy told me too. I have a very loving family that I'm entirely ungrateful for. I need to work on that.
16. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you had “no regrets” what would it be?
The person I lost my virginity too. The reasons for doing it were wrong and I ended up using someone. The situation was just wrong. I regret it, but I know i can't change it. I wish I could rewind and make love with someone who loved me.
17. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call?
911. I'm not fucking around.
18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
I'm CPR-certified. So. I think that means I kinda have to. But I would even if I didn't have to. Homeless people are still people and they deserve to live. No matter if they do smell like a dumpster.
19. Are you old fashioned?
Only in some minor ways. I don't believe a guy should open the door; I have hands. I don't think a man should pay for my food. He earned his money and he didn't eat my food, so I'll pay. I don't think that I belong in the kitchen, because we both know my talents are in the bedroom (but I am a bomb-ass cook too). Respect me. I'm a partner. I'm open-minded and ready to listen.
BUT, you are a man. So hold me like I'm a woman. And be ready to lead if you have to. That's sort of old-fashioned, right? Giving the man the upper hand?
20. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?
True love with heart break. It's worth it. You can't have love without loss.
21. If you could do anything OR wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish?
For more wishes? Hahaha. Just kidding. Everyone says that.
Hmm.
I'd wish for a better life without worrying about money.
I'd wish for a love that would make me feel whole and last a lifetime.
I'd wish for peace and understanding in the hearts of everyone in the world.
I'd wish for a nice home, a handsome husband and loving crazy kids.
All of that crap up there.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Ready For The Flight
I am your doll.
Dress me up.
Parade me around.
Show me off.
Then leave me on the floor.
You don't want me anymore.
And maybe I'm the one to blame.
Raising my hand to play your games.
Now I'm done and my muscles sore.
And you don't want me anymore.
Maybe it'll make sense when I'm older.
Dress me up.
Parade me around.
Show me off.
Then leave me on the floor.
You don't want me anymore.
And maybe I'm the one to blame.
Raising my hand to play your games.
Now I'm done and my muscles sore.
And you don't want me anymore.
Maybe it'll make sense when I'm older.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
I'm 16 Again And My Heart Isn't Broken
I almost hate to rush into saying shit before it happens or before other people know....
but damnit....
I'm falling in love.
I can't help but get anxious any time Blake is even around me. If he touches me. Texts me. Says my name. Mentions anything sexual whatsoever.
I'm hoping he feels the same too.
I mean...he's been texting me everyday. 98% of the time before I do. And the conversations last for 2 hoursish. They're always flirty. Guess that means I'm on his mind, huh? Because he never asks me for anything. And whenever we're not texting; we're actually hanging out.
I spent Christmas Eve, Christmas day and New Year's with him. I feel like he keeps making excuses to touch me too. Like we had a "secret handshake" but it was weird how long it was and how intertwining our fingers together was involved quite often. Hm.
Maybe I'm crazy?
But I really wish he'd kiss me.
And every time he says shit like, "Courtney...I'll make it up to you. Just wait," or "Courtney...I'm about to do something. Be prepared," I just wanna be like....FUCKING KISS ME ALREADY!!!
Gah!
I've never felt this way before about a guy. I'm completely myself and happy and giddy.
I can't wait to hear from him or see him.
And I keep replaying his words over and over again about how he wants a relationship and about how we're best friends and what it means whenever he tells me stuff about his personal past or what it means when he begs me for a foot rub...or what it means when he asks me if I watch porn and stuff.
Do JUST friends do this?
fjdsa;sllfjsdl;jf;sdlkjf;sdlkjf;ldsjf;saldjf;lsdajf
This kid is gonna be the death of me.
but damnit....
I'm falling in love.
I can't help but get anxious any time Blake is even around me. If he touches me. Texts me. Says my name. Mentions anything sexual whatsoever.
I'm hoping he feels the same too.
I mean...he's been texting me everyday. 98% of the time before I do. And the conversations last for 2 hoursish. They're always flirty. Guess that means I'm on his mind, huh? Because he never asks me for anything. And whenever we're not texting; we're actually hanging out.
I spent Christmas Eve, Christmas day and New Year's with him. I feel like he keeps making excuses to touch me too. Like we had a "secret handshake" but it was weird how long it was and how intertwining our fingers together was involved quite often. Hm.
Maybe I'm crazy?
But I really wish he'd kiss me.
And every time he says shit like, "Courtney...I'll make it up to you. Just wait," or "Courtney...I'm about to do something. Be prepared," I just wanna be like....FUCKING KISS ME ALREADY!!!
Gah!
I've never felt this way before about a guy. I'm completely myself and happy and giddy.
I can't wait to hear from him or see him.
And I keep replaying his words over and over again about how he wants a relationship and about how we're best friends and what it means whenever he tells me stuff about his personal past or what it means when he begs me for a foot rub...or what it means when he asks me if I watch porn and stuff.
Do JUST friends do this?
fjdsa;sllfjsdl;jf;sdlkjf;sdlkjf;ldsjf;saldjf;lsdajf
This kid is gonna be the death of me.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Stop Being Nice Unless You're Going To Kiss Me
The holidays are over!
What did I do?
I spent a lot of time with Blake. Which is weird, right?
I thought maybe he liked me but the last couple of days, he's been acting strange towards me. So, I guess not.
The day before Christmas, we hung out.
On Christmas Eve, we went to get his CSS (or is it CCS??) Skater shit from UPS. He got his hand caught in the door and we ate at Red Lobster (mmmmm).
Then on Christmas, we hung out again with Jocelyn.
He wanted to go to Hollister the next day, so we went.
He texts me almost every day. Usually in the mornings.
I mean....we've spent a lot of fuckin time together...he's told me a bunch of random stuff....like....I don't know if he likes me. But if phrases like:
"I'm done with hoes. I want a relationship that means something that isn't based just on sex. I think my last relationship was based on orgasms."
"I'm changing. I'm starting to think. Some of the stuff I've done is stupid..."
"I kinda want a girlfriend..."
"Look, I care about your opinions and thoughts."
....all those phrases mean something, right? In my direction? Or am I just being dumb?
I'm probably just being dumb.
Grr.
Yeah.
Dumb.
ON ANOTHER NOTE:
I have bronchitis. :( <----sad face
I can't keep from coughing, my face is breaking out, I've thrown up a gazillion times, work sucks and I can't smoke for 2 weeks.
Suckage.
What did I do?
I spent a lot of time with Blake. Which is weird, right?
I thought maybe he liked me but the last couple of days, he's been acting strange towards me. So, I guess not.
The day before Christmas, we hung out.
On Christmas Eve, we went to get his CSS (or is it CCS??) Skater shit from UPS. He got his hand caught in the door and we ate at Red Lobster (mmmmm).
Then on Christmas, we hung out again with Jocelyn.
He wanted to go to Hollister the next day, so we went.
He texts me almost every day. Usually in the mornings.
I mean....we've spent a lot of fuckin time together...he's told me a bunch of random stuff....like....I don't know if he likes me. But if phrases like:
"I'm done with hoes. I want a relationship that means something that isn't based just on sex. I think my last relationship was based on orgasms."
"I'm changing. I'm starting to think. Some of the stuff I've done is stupid..."
"I kinda want a girlfriend..."
"Look, I care about your opinions and thoughts."
....all those phrases mean something, right? In my direction? Or am I just being dumb?
I'm probably just being dumb.
Grr.
Yeah.
Dumb.
ON ANOTHER NOTE:
I have bronchitis. :( <----sad face
I can't keep from coughing, my face is breaking out, I've thrown up a gazillion times, work sucks and I can't smoke for 2 weeks.
Suckage.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
There's A Lot of Things I Want, But All I'm Getting Is Old...
Holidays and parties and fun and losing weight...
"Wait...what? Did she just say 'losing weight'?"
Why yes, yes I did.
It's a tradition now, apparently. I can only lose weight during the holidays when I eat the most. Bullshit, right?
I went to my Dixie Cafe Christmas party last night. It was pretty much bogus.
Blake said he wasn't gonna show up, but he did.
He offered to let me come over and smoke with him before the party, which was very nice.
He's been being very nice to me lately.
He even told me that he's doing it on purpose.
Ha. So I'm not sure what to do with him because he says a lot of stuff, but I can't tell if he likes me or if I'm just overanalyzing everything out of porportion.
We went to Kristyn's afterwards though for a party and it was fun. Blake drank too much and started throwing up towards the end though, and I had to take him home. He's been texting me all day today about it.
God, I really like him.
What a pedophile, I am.
Oh well...it's not like I don't break the law everyday anyway....
P.S.
I got my ass groped by a 50 year old woman last night.
And by gosh damn...she did a better job than most men.
Weird or pathetic (on behalf of the men, at least)?
Yeah...weird.
"Wait...what? Did she just say 'losing weight'?"
Why yes, yes I did.
It's a tradition now, apparently. I can only lose weight during the holidays when I eat the most. Bullshit, right?
I went to my Dixie Cafe Christmas party last night. It was pretty much bogus.
Blake said he wasn't gonna show up, but he did.
He offered to let me come over and smoke with him before the party, which was very nice.
He's been being very nice to me lately.
He even told me that he's doing it on purpose.
Ha. So I'm not sure what to do with him because he says a lot of stuff, but I can't tell if he likes me or if I'm just overanalyzing everything out of porportion.
We went to Kristyn's afterwards though for a party and it was fun. Blake drank too much and started throwing up towards the end though, and I had to take him home. He's been texting me all day today about it.
God, I really like him.
What a pedophile, I am.
Oh well...it's not like I don't break the law everyday anyway....
P.S.
I got my ass groped by a 50 year old woman last night.
And by gosh damn...she did a better job than most men.
Weird or pathetic (on behalf of the men, at least)?
Yeah...weird.
Monday, December 19, 2011
I'm Letting Go Of My Anchors So That I Can Sail...
My head is alive.
For once.
I don't feel as depressed as I used to. Things are looking up.
For starters, I told Eric to fuck off basically.
Hold the applause.
I asked to come over and he asked if I had weed. Of course, when I said not enough, he decided I wasn't ENOUGH either. So I said, "I have to say this. I don't care if it's impulsive or if you decide to respond or not, but you treat me like shit. And maybe I allowed most of it. But it still sucks."
Guess what?
No reply.
That's how insecure assholes act when they get text messages that call them out on their bullshit.
He uses me.
And I'm better than that.
I deserve to be happy.
And even if he did decide to love me for everything I am; I would never trust him.
I think hanging out with Blake made me do it. Being with Blake shows me that I can be around a guy, be myself and have someone genuinely like me for me and my ideas.
Not for my boobs.
I needed to grow up and learn to let things go.
And yeah, the first few days sucked. Even now, I wanna grab my phone and see how Eric is doing. But another BIG part of me feels liberated that I stood up for myself and I'm pretty confident I can hold out on messaging him. If he wants me; he's got my number. I shouldn't have to chase a 28 year old man. He should realize how lucky he is to have me, and chase me.
But he won't catch me.
So.
Fuck him.
Blake and I aren't together. Maybe never will be. But he is not moving to Florida.
We're getting better at being friends and even though he's still flirting (playing his guitar for me, making lewd comments, trying to buy me food), I feel at peace around him.
I think I'm falling in love.
And this time I know it's real because it's slow and it feels good.
I feel happy. Alive. Content. Satisfied.
But at the same time I feel excited, frustrated and overly dramatic about it. Ha.
He makes me feel like I'm 16 again and no one tried to take advantage of me.
I just needed to realize that not all guys are using you.
Not all guys will kick you out of their house after they got what they wanted.
Some guys just like being around you because they like you for you.
And some guys will pay for their own food and weed instead of making you spend YOUR hard earned money on it.
Not all guys want to get you naked.
Hrm.....Well maybe they do. BUT...not all guys will lie to you and pretend to be another person JUST to sleep with you.
If you respect yourself, others with respect you too. And that's what I needed to do. Because I was NOT respecting myself at all. I was throwing myself at whatever would take me because I didn't wanna feel alone.
And I've learned that you DO have to love yourself before others.
To be more specific, you've got to be able to see your faults, failures, highs and accomplishments, face them, accept them and still love yourself for everything you are and have done.
Because if you can't deal with who you are, then who you're presenting to others is a lie. It's fake. It's who you THINK you are and not who you REALLY are.
So guess what?
I get addicted to things easily. Like love. Weed. And mexican food.
I'm a bitch.
I like to start arguments just because I hate the silent sound of boredom.
I leave my clothes on the floor for months because I'm too lazy to put them on a hanger.
I'm a hypocrite sometimes and I cuss like a sailor.
And on the upside, I'm a good-hearted person.
I'm loyal and trustworthy.
I'm honest, even if it's brutal.
I have a super creative mind and a beautiful voice.
It's all me. And it's all good.
One day, I hope someone will seek this out and appreciate it.
And when they decide to; I'll be ready.
With guns a blazin'. ;P
So have a great week, readers. You deserve it.
For once.
I don't feel as depressed as I used to. Things are looking up.
For starters, I told Eric to fuck off basically.
Hold the applause.
I asked to come over and he asked if I had weed. Of course, when I said not enough, he decided I wasn't ENOUGH either. So I said, "I have to say this. I don't care if it's impulsive or if you decide to respond or not, but you treat me like shit. And maybe I allowed most of it. But it still sucks."
Guess what?
No reply.
That's how insecure assholes act when they get text messages that call them out on their bullshit.
He uses me.
And I'm better than that.
I deserve to be happy.
And even if he did decide to love me for everything I am; I would never trust him.
I think hanging out with Blake made me do it. Being with Blake shows me that I can be around a guy, be myself and have someone genuinely like me for me and my ideas.
Not for my boobs.
I needed to grow up and learn to let things go.
And yeah, the first few days sucked. Even now, I wanna grab my phone and see how Eric is doing. But another BIG part of me feels liberated that I stood up for myself and I'm pretty confident I can hold out on messaging him. If he wants me; he's got my number. I shouldn't have to chase a 28 year old man. He should realize how lucky he is to have me, and chase me.
But he won't catch me.
So.
Fuck him.
Blake and I aren't together. Maybe never will be. But he is not moving to Florida.
We're getting better at being friends and even though he's still flirting (playing his guitar for me, making lewd comments, trying to buy me food), I feel at peace around him.
I think I'm falling in love.
And this time I know it's real because it's slow and it feels good.
I feel happy. Alive. Content. Satisfied.
But at the same time I feel excited, frustrated and overly dramatic about it. Ha.
He makes me feel like I'm 16 again and no one tried to take advantage of me.
I just needed to realize that not all guys are using you.
Not all guys will kick you out of their house after they got what they wanted.
Some guys just like being around you because they like you for you.
And some guys will pay for their own food and weed instead of making you spend YOUR hard earned money on it.
Not all guys want to get you naked.
Hrm.....Well maybe they do. BUT...not all guys will lie to you and pretend to be another person JUST to sleep with you.
If you respect yourself, others with respect you too. And that's what I needed to do. Because I was NOT respecting myself at all. I was throwing myself at whatever would take me because I didn't wanna feel alone.
And I've learned that you DO have to love yourself before others.
To be more specific, you've got to be able to see your faults, failures, highs and accomplishments, face them, accept them and still love yourself for everything you are and have done.
Because if you can't deal with who you are, then who you're presenting to others is a lie. It's fake. It's who you THINK you are and not who you REALLY are.
So guess what?
I get addicted to things easily. Like love. Weed. And mexican food.
I'm a bitch.
I like to start arguments just because I hate the silent sound of boredom.
I leave my clothes on the floor for months because I'm too lazy to put them on a hanger.
I'm a hypocrite sometimes and I cuss like a sailor.
And on the upside, I'm a good-hearted person.
I'm loyal and trustworthy.
I'm honest, even if it's brutal.
I have a super creative mind and a beautiful voice.
It's all me. And it's all good.
One day, I hope someone will seek this out and appreciate it.
And when they decide to; I'll be ready.
With guns a blazin'. ;P
So have a great week, readers. You deserve it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
