If you can't be with the one you love; then be with everyone

Some asshole sang that once.
Pft.

I'm feeling down. Hoping that writing whatever I got in my head at the moment will help release this tight grip on my stomach.

Probably not though.

So my ex boyfriend, Bryan, decided that he misses me.
Wants me to come see him in Texas in August so he can kiss me and the such.
He broke up with his girlfriend, but her family hates her in Arizona, so he let her stay until she could find somewhere else to go.
Which makes me hesitate.
Everything about him makes me hesitate.
Like, how can you say you love me so much and so easily when I haven't talked to you in months? And haven't said I love you in years?
It's hard to wake up and see his name on my phone and to see, "It's okay. I love you".
Does he?
Because i fell for that once before.
Twice before.
Almost three times before.
Aw, what am I kidding myself? I did fall the third time.
Stupid me.

He always sets me up to fail. Always makes me believe in his words, just to tear them away at the last moment.
Says he loves me the whole time until his next sentence is "I've found the one"; and it's not me.
It's Megan. It's Jesse. It's Brianne.
It's anyone but me.

"I've given you my best/why does she get the best of you?"
Ha.
Oh, country music lyrics. How depressing. But fitting.

I don't know if I can allow myself to trust again. To go. To stay for a week in his arms, in his bed, with his words hanging in the air. Him telling me not to leave. Telling me to move in with him because he misses me. Telling me that he loves me over and over again.
Gah.

Why do I feel like I'm ready to break?
I feel on the verge of tears everyday.

Eric still hasn't answered me. But he's been online everyday active on Facebook. Guess he's done with me.
And that's that.
Two years spent on wishful thinking...this whole 6 months of feeling deeper feelings for someone who was ready to let me go the whole time.
I wish men were cursed to love the people they have sex with.
Because then it'd make it easier for me to say that I'll be okay.

I'm not alright.
Not at all.

I just want to disappear.

Never Gonna Hear...

It pisses me off.

If you don't want to talk to me; then tell me so. Tell me to leave you alone.
Instead of dragging me down.
Because it fuckin kills me to wait on someone.
I know you're blowing me off.
I see how you're randomly on Facebook all the time.
Talking to someone apparently.
But you can't answer a fuckin text message?
I'm about done with it all.

And give me back my fuckin DVD. Asshole.

What's Your Guilty Pleasure?

Because I have a bunch. Hehe. ;P

ANYways though. The last few days have been quite uneventful and sad.

I texted Eric to hang, and he was all, "blah blah, maybe Monday at the earliest, blah". I feel like he's just kinda done. "Don't you have any dicks in the 'gould you can have until I'm available?" It's nice to know the guy you're sleeping with and secretly wanna love is TOTALLY fine with you fucking other people and actually encourages it. Douche.

But Larry finally said something to me
He's not a cop!!!!
The best news ever.

But he kept calling me a whore and stuff.
So I politely told him that me calling him "stupid" would never be as bad as what he did to me. To which he said he "felt guilty about" and blah blah fuckin blah. He only cares about himself.
I dont' know why I expected him to actually feel something for me for once.
I don't know why I expected a decent apology.

I didn't get one though.
He just said stuff like, "I hope God gives me what I deserve..."
Wanting me to feel bad for HIM.
Fuck him.
I don't feel bad at all.
And I DO hope God gives him what he deserves.
Asshole.

I got bored and went on that Omegle website again.
I know, I know. haha. Bad choice.
But I met some guy named Corneliu from Romania on there.
Very interesting.
It's cool talking to people who see the world from a different perspective.
I think Americans think too much about themselves.
Like, there, everyone knows at least two different languages, but here, if you don't know english; we just think you should. We're not trying to learn yours. ha.
It's been interesting conversations though.
He's very attractive. ha.
But he's soooo far away.

Why do I always meet hot amazing men online that live at least 100 miles away?

The internet is evil, I swear.

I'm still not desperate enough again though to try another long distant relationship. Nope. Never worth it.

I'll just continue being a walking door mat for the ones that live closer.

Sigh.

I'm done.
Peace.

Is It Killing You Like It's Killing Me?

I slept for 20 hours yesterday.

I haven't been laid in over a month.

The guy I wanna bone has his ex girlfriend whom he was REALLY REALLY into, writing "Miss ya" on his facebook wall.

And I'm too fuckin high to figure out what his status update means.
"If you listen like I thought you should, you just might get it"

In all reality, it prolly doesn't mean shit; but I'm all, "God, if he goes for another girl while I'm sitting here thinking about kissing him every fuckin day; I just might lose my fuckin mind." And it'd hurt really bad.

I need a life.
A job.
Something to find someone new.
Because this is just fuckin torture waiting around for nothing.

Because we were supposed to hang last week.
But it wasn't good timing. My period, his work/hoes/whatever he's telling me.

It kills me waiting. I keep feeling like he'll never see me again.

But he's still got my DVD; so even if he tried never to see me again; I'll hunt his ass down for that fuckin DVD. Just watch me.

I'm rambling. But that's okay. I need a good ramble. I need a venting spot. Right now I don't care if people read this and think I'm a dumbass or boring. Because this is entertaining the shit out of me right now.

My great aunt, Janet, came down for the week. I'm glad it was only a week.
Her voice is a constant whine.
I hate whiners.
"Heyyyy, I'm soooo sorryyyyyy. I thought that was yourrrrrrssssss."

Shut the fuck up, bitch.

I'm a little hostile, no?

Anyways. The mexicans sang, "Happy Birthday" to my grandma at Don Jose's for her birthday. Except it wasn't "Happy Birthday" at all. It was something with blanca's and whey(sp??)'s. Which means 'white lady' and 'stupid'. So I told my grandma this and Janet is all, "Iiiii don't knowwww. I think that they don't knoowww everyone doesn't speak spanissssssh. I might not knowwww as much Spanish as youuuuu, but they could get in troubleee for thattttttttatatat."

You don't know Spanish, bitch?
Then WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING?!
I hate when dumbass people try to argue with me and say they're "right" and that I'm "wrong" whenever I know that I'm closer to being right than they'll ever be.

Eff her.

I had to spend all day yesterday with her. I went to get my hair cut. I wanted like a "scene" cut. I thought the cut was cute. But my hairdresser apparently didn't so she settled on giving me lots of layers and side bangs. Which wasn't what I wanted, but I look cute for now. When it grows out in 4 months; I'll go to a better stylist.

We went to Red Lobster though afterwards. I've never felt like  I "needed" a drink to deal with people...but I kept staring at the alcoholic beverage menu like a fat bitch watches Cake Boss. I would've killed someone for a Long Island Iced Tea.

Oh wait....while I'm thinking about it....

Attention Country Music Artists:
Please stop making rap into your song. Sugarland, Jason Aldean and Colt Ford for example. I know, I know. It seems like a "fresh and new" idea. Rap AND country. Two great genres in one? That must be great! But guess what? It's horrible. It's like mixing cocaine and meth. Seems like two great drugs, but mixed together and you're going to either die or wish that you were dead.  So please cut it out. It's scary.
Thanks.

Anyways.

I'm done with that.
It's really cold in my room.
And I'm not even halfway dressed like I usually am.

OH! Larry left me alone. For good.
And I haven't cried about it.
That must be a good sign.
Yayayayayayayay!

I wish Eric would text me.... :(

I'm an idiot.
Really though.


I probably need to find something to do.
Adios.

Life Is Just What Happens To You...When You're Busy Making Other Plans

I must be a damn psychic.

Remember when I said that those plans wouldn't go down???
WELL.
Thhhheyyyy didn't.

His cute little Facebook status' keeps saying "KO'd: tangerine dream". I wish I cared enough to write "PO'd: eric". But then he'd have the upper hand. Whoever cares less, controls the relationship....even though we're not in one...well...friends...ish.

But I'm pretty disappointed. Even though I'm on my period anyways, so it's not like I'd get what I REALLY want. He thinks I go over there for the smoke...but I only do that to get what I really want. I want his laugh, his sarcastic jokes, his goofy insecure statements, the feel of his heart beating too fast, the way he smells, the lingering kisses and the rushed touches. Mmm. THAT'S my favorite part.

So, I'm sure we'll hang out soon. But still. It's never often/soon enough for me. Ever.

I hate that I'm so in love with something that will never go anywhere.

Sigh.


On another note, my ex contacted me. Telling me he's not going to be paying off the rest of the electric bill that we owed on when we lived together. He agreed to do it because my parents, grandma and uncle all chipped in to pay for his doctor's visit because he was randomly passing out and throwing up afterwards. But now that I'm being "such a big bitch"; he's declining to pay it.

I'm the bitch?! I'm. The. Bitch.
Asshole.

And not the cute, charming likeable assholes that I love. He's the bad kind.
He's spent weeks accusing me of being a whore and sleeping around with everyone in town, that all my friends are druggies and he's gonna "bust" us when he gets on with the police department (I pray to God that he doesn't) and that I'm a disappointment to my family. And I haven't done a thing to him but ask him to leave me alone.

I think his exact words were: "You're a bitch. And I can't wait until someone you love...like...ohhhh...let's say....YOUR MOTHER!!!...wakes up and tells you to your face how heartless of a fuckin bitch you are. You treat everyone like shit, you fuckin whore!"

It's sweet really. Definitely Hallmark material.

If I were a violent person...I'd drive by his house, get out and beat his face in.

But I'm not.
Too bad.


I'm finally going to be able to go home tomorrow and not be here at my grandma's. Since Andy went and got wi-fi at the house though; I'll be able to keep up with this blog like I've been doing. Which probably won't matter, because in a month or two I'll prolly slack on this like I do every other journal/diary/blog thing. Maybe not though. People do change....Ha...nevermind.

My aunt had surgery on her arm too. It wasn't that gangrene stuff. It was staph. So they went in and cleaned it and she's back to being her normal complaining self-pitying self. Oh joy. But I do love her. And it's better than her being dead. Which if she doesn't stop drinking mason jars full of beer/whiskey with her pain pills; might be soon.

That's about all I got though.
Yup.

It's back to Dexter. I just started on the series. So far, it's good. I can't decide if Michael C. Hall is cute or not though. It's very borderline. Hmm.

Boredom Ensues

Don't do this website thing....I think it's called omegle?? Yeah. They set you up with random people to chat with. Mostly it's indian guys asking to see your boobies and stuff. NOT FUN.

Another thing....I'm really excited to hang out with someone today. :)))

The only downside??
My period.
And my aunt is going to the doctor's to have surgery.
Annnnd I haven't slept.

Maybe I can make it to my hot "date" though. ;P Fingers crossed.



It probably won't happen though....bummer.

Wait, They Don't Love You Like I Love You

I slept pretty hardcore yesterday after my aunt made us a taco/burrito dinner.
Then I woke up at 2 am, ate some Hawaiian sweet rolls and then tried to sleep again. But with a full iPod...I didn't find rest. I was too busy rocking out and pretending I was the one that wrote the songs and was famous.

Oh. Dreams.

But then I smelled something yum at 7 am, so I got up and all of a sudden...BREAKFAST! Yum. Quick shower and all that jazz.

My aunt was tweakin' or something though. She couldn't stay still. She kept drinking a bunch of coffee and she didn't sleep the day before. She made all the breakfast, refilled my drink a gazillion times and whatnot. So I needed some chillaxing time.

So I went home and tried some good stuff.

For the first 20 minutes, I was like...hey...when is this stuff gonna kick in? But then I determined that I was high when I was watching Jeopardy and cussing the contestants out.

Alex: "What is the only state in the U.S. that does not have a historic site, monument or battlefield?"
Dumbass Contestant: "What is Hawaii???"
Me: "What. The. Fuck, Man???? It's called Pearl Harbor! No wonder you're $1,000 in the hole. How the fuck did you get on Jeopardy anyhow?"

So then I changed the channel. I'm not sure what happened in between. All I know is that the Casey Anthony trial was on tv one minute and then I'm waking up the next. I was knocked out for a pretty good amount of time though.

Definitely what I needed to feel not so shitty.

Hopefully the febreze covered that smell up though.
I don't need my mom asking questions when we go back home.
:/

Oh well. It was worth it.

I finally finished updating my iPod though, ya'll. It was pretty dumb. I have my "Top Rated" ones ranging from three-five stars and I love that playlist because I know all I have to do is click on it and it'll weed out all the not so good shit. So I had to hand rate them one by one. Grr. It ended up being 500-600 favorite songs.

I've been listening to Right Away, Great Captain! alot. It's been a while since I've listened to em...and they're still yumtastic. :)

Anyways.

I can't wait to hang out with meh I-wish-he-were-my-man. :D
Mmm.

Adios.