Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am

I can feel my baby moving.

It's weird.

It makes me wanna pee too.

Names in the running for this little girl?

Delilah
Maisy
Isla
Lynnon
Edie
Olive


I haven't decided yet.

It may be neither.

But whatever.

Wow, my baby is kicking. Surely she must feel mama's wrath of Romney supporters.





****Added at later date*****
By the way, I found out that Eric's first baby mama, Jessica, died June 6th of this year. Maybe a week after I told him I was pregnant. So. That may explain his stance. Maybe. More on that later....

"There were soo many grammatical errors in that fuckin sentence..."

I came here thinking I'd know what I'd say.

                                         I left without saying a word.

I thought we understood?


You pushed me away every chance you had.

                           I grabbed you harder every time.

                                   Your kisses were lies I'd lay down for.

                         And you stole the words from my mind.

           Smoke you out, smoke me out.

          We tried to smoke the world out.

But the sun broke through.

I thought we understood?


Sorry, I can't love you.

                                                       I don't even love me.

You touch me without promise.

You forget me like I was always gone.

                                         This is just a phase.

I thought you understood?

So I Started Smoking, Thought The Signals Would Scare Your Walls Away

Yesterday...er...well...technically two days ago now, my cousin, Kim, had her wedding.
Dum Dum dumdummm...
Dumb.

My favorite part was when my brother whispered, "Always the bridesmaid and never the bride, eh?"
But hey, everyone said I was prettier than anyone else in the bridal party. I ain't bragging though because my competition wasn't much.

Her wedding was Asian themed. Just like everything else in her life.
In almost all of her wedding photos she's doing the, "I hate this shit" face.
So.
I'm guessing she hated it.
But she's a Tritch now instead of a Keeling.
We're all growing up.

Sigh.

I think I'll teach my kid to savor being a kid because after high school, I swear it's the peak of the mountain and then you come back down to earth. Until you're eventually on the ground that they'll bury you in.

Cynical? Eh, who gives a fuck?

Ole Jinger said Eric was trying to fuck her lately.
It's hard for me to think Eric is really being this big of an asshole.
I always knew he was one...but this is ridiculous. It's like he has no soul.

Maybe he doesn't?

I wish I could give up on it, but for my kid's sake, I'm not going to. I'll get child support because he WILL take responsibility one way or another. So, treat me bad, buddy, because your day will come. That karma you like to talk about is about to bite you in the ass.

I just want peace.

And a good lay.
Which is what got me in this position...but hey...I can't get pregnant twice.

And this Trevor kid has been looking pretty cute lately. So we'll see where that goes.
But I'm really just not into dating seriously or thinking of a guy seriously at all for a while.
I need some time to myself. And for this kid that I'm in no way prepared for.

Some days I feel like I wish I had never got pregnant. Some days I come to terms with it and a smile appears on my face. Some days I feel stressed because of the financial situation I'm in. Some days I feel so blissful, I can barely keep a tear from happening.

I wish I could just keep the thoughts at bay and stay consistently happy.
Maybe when the baby comes, the thoughts will clear and I'll be able to think nothing but how happy I am to be a mother.

I wanted to be a young mom anyway.

I just wish I had some support.
And a hand to hold through it.

It sucks being alone all the time. And though I keep my walls up, and I look like I'm joking about my situation; it's just a front so that I don't have a mental breakdown.

Because it sucks feeling like someone cared about you and now doesn't.
It sucks knowing you were just solely used and someone care soooo little for you that even when you're carrying half of their DNA inside of you, they still ignore you. But they have time to text skanks and ask them to come over. His life is going on and he's not ever thinking about it, but everyday I'm stuck feeling restless but too fatigued to move. I'm the one suffering. And some days, I can't take it. I just wanna crawl into a hole and die. Because life is so hard. I try to be brave and pretend that I can conquer everything, but lately, I'm too fragile to try. I feel like I've lost a battle. I feel like I'm stuck in life with no way out. And my kid's going to suffer from my mistakes because his/her father is someone that I chose to sleep with. It's my fault that they're stuck with a piece of shit guy in their life who's never going to be there.

Maybe it'll get better though.

Maybe it's the hormones talking.

Hopefully.

Court

Run Your Mouth, I Bet I Can Catch It

New sheets.
Hair up.
Pants off.
Make-up off.
Freedom at it's best.

Lately, I've come to see the beauty within myself. I put on a new dress and I think, "wow". Someone comments on my beauty and I don't shrug it off. Instead, I embrace it. Why? Because I feel it.

And it's odd for someone like me, who's struggled most of her childhood/adult life wondering about their body image, to really fully appreciate my looks.

I enjoy my curves.
And although, I would like to be 30 lbs smaller; I know that I'm pregnant and it's just gonna be gaining from this point.
However, I'm confident now that I'll be able to lose the weight afterwards.

Even though I'm pregnant, I've been able to maintain my current weight loss without adding or subtracting any poundage.

But regardless of my "weight", I'm beginning to see the features of my face that are artistic in their own right.

And it makes me feel good to smile.
And I'm sure I look more confident to others.

On another note...that isn't so narcissitic....

Last night, Jocelyn, Adam, Trevor, some Austin kid and Katelyn went over to the "other Courtney's" place to have a "party".
Before we even got there, we knew Courtney Rogers was gonna puke. It is, afterall, in her reputation.
And after a quick game of Circle of Death and a longer, more alcohol-involved game of Connections, well....."there she blows!".

I held her hair back and guarded her door from Trevor so that he wouldn't try to fuck her because he was really drunk too. And also because I was partly jealous because for weeks, I've been going to parties thinking about making out with said Trevor.
He's pretty cute.
And here we go again.
Just when I think I'm good with myself, I get a crush.
Everytime.
Without fail.

This guy is pretty cute though. And whenever he sees me, he smirks. I don't know if he's a man-whore and would do anything, but who knows?
I overheard him tell Austin he wouldn't try to fuck Rogers but if he was going to try to get with anyone, it'd be me. And whenever asked about making-out, he said, "We're not thinking about that right now". Right now. Ha.

However, we departed early and I didn't make a move because he was waaaay too fucked up and drooling as drunk guys do.
He was all, "I don't need a girlfriend anyways. Do I, Courtney?? *hits my knee*" and when I was climbing out of the truck to leave he was all, "I love you, Courtney". Haha.
He came up to work today.
Why?
I dunno.
But whenever he saw me, he smirked and then later made it a point to ask me about whether I enjoyed myself last night.
Oh, and he has my number now.

So.
Who knows?

Baby comes first.
But if I can get some action in the process, then woohoo for me.

And then for a final point, Blake actually talks to me now and texts me.
So I guess he built a bridge and got over himself.
Which is good.
Because I missed him.

His girlfriend can fuck the hell off though.
She's mean as fuck.
"Don't tell me a secret. If I don't like someone, I tell everyone all their secrets. I once had a gossip buddy and she didn't like this girl that was in one of my other classes. So I'd sit next to that other girl and listen to her talk and find out stuff about her, and then I'd go to my friend and tell her everything she said and we'd laugh. We both didn't like her."
That's what she said.

Bitch, huh?

And at work, I'm just done working hosting shifts with her. She doesn't know how to sit people, first of all. This week I found out, that when I don't help her with the seating chart, she double/triple seats waiters. Which is horrible. And we had three hosts this week. One was supposed to sit tables, one was to just clean tables and the other was supposed to help do both. Well Crystal was sitting tables and I told her that when Shania go there (20 minutes late too, by the way) that she would make-up some bullshit excuse as to why she couldn't clean tables.
This week's excuse?
A blister on her foot.
Are you kidding me???!!!
I'm fucking pregnant, and throwing up at work a lot and I still clean tables.
Stupid.
But, not only did she not seat people correctly or bus tables, she didn't do anything else. She stood up there reading lost and found children's books left by customers with her boyfriend, Blake or texting on her phone. To who, I'm not sure, because she doesn't have any friends.
Then she had the audacity to get mad whenever Crystal and I got to go home first.
Lazy ass worker.
And she'll get away with it because the manager is her older sister.
And Blake will get away with whatever too because he's fucking the manager's sister.
It's a lame-ass story, I tell you.
And I'm about fed up with it.

But anyways.
I think I'm done ranting for this week.

It's a lot.
But I had to make up for all the lost weeks and lacking blogs that I've posted lately.

You're welcome.

Court

Do You Not Think Too Far Ahead?

Just checkin in.
There's a lot on my mind.
Not quite sure to get it all out though.

First of all, Eric has disappeared.
Go figure.
He won't respond to any messages and I haven't heard from him in a while.

Oh well..

Baby update news?
Okay.
I'm 11 weeks and 5 days. My baby is a peanut size. And I need some iron in my system so I don't die or some shit.

I'm looking forward to being a mom. Been thinking about a change in occupation though. Maybe a PTA? Something that is fast to get schooled for and can make me a decent paycheck. My baby is gonna be looking fly in school. Mkay? Mkay.

I've been craving lemons. Mmm.

I also found out that someone at work, who is supposed to be my friend, has talked a bunch of shit behind my back. And I know she has because she does it to everyone else at work too. Great person, huh?

Well.
I'm bored of this.

Court

It's All Okay, Cuz Love Will Find A Way To Be

Well.
Damn.
I'm shitty at keeping up with this thing, eh?

Oh well.

Eric ended up talking to me. He wanted me to have an abortion.
First of all,  how can you ask me to do that to MY body?
Not only would I have to deal with the physical pain, but I'd have the emotional and mental angst of knowing that I gave a part of me up because of "inconvience".
I hate believing that people are better than they are.
He would live the rest of his life not caring about what happened to me and to the baby, but I'd have to think about it everyday.

It disappoints me to know that he won't step up.
And instead of taking responsibility for his actions, he blames me.

It's never him, it's always everyone else.

He didn't have a job because of the economy.
NOT because he sat in his room all day texting random hoes, watching DvDs and getting high all the time.

He's not a famous musician because of the fucked music industry.
NOT because he needs vocal lessons because he's too pitchy to be professional.

When girls start arguing with him, it's "those girls" and "their drama".
NOT because he was juggling them around, they found out about each other, thought they were special and now realize that they were just used.

When he doesn't get to see Zoey, it's Jessica's fault.
NOT because he won't get a job to support her and get a new car to see her.

And it's Jessica's fault they had a child because she got pregnant "on purpose".
NOT because it was an accident. Because everyone knows that she used her OWN penis, right?

It's all bullshit to help him sleep better at night.
It's in his narcissistic nature to blame everyone so that he isn't the one feeling guilty.

He thinks I got pregnant on purpose too.
Go figure.

It'll probably be my fault forever.
Whatever.

He can go ahead and tell himself whatever he needs to help him, because in 18 years from now, I'll have a child that can thank me for unconditional love and support. And he'll have nothing but regrets because he wasn't man enough to step up and take responsibility.

That's on him. I hope he can deal with it.

He'll have a phone full of numbers he can't call anymore. A bunch of girls he could've been happy with, but used instead. A list of girls he's fucked but an empty heart. A bowl full of weed, but a life full of sadness and regrets.

I'll have love. Understanding. Happiness. :)

Later.
Oh, and God Bless.
Court

Oh, Baby, Baybeh, Ahhh, Push It

Ohhhhh boy.
Or girl.
Whichever.

So....surprise! I'm preggo.

Yup.

At first, when I found out, I felt bad for Eric (he's the father, I ain't THAT big of a hoe that I don't know).
But given recent events, I don't anymore.
I feel sorry for me.
Because I'm the one that has to explain to everyone that I got knocked up by someone who doesn't care about me.
I'm the one that has to say that I don't know if my child will have a father or not.
He said he'd "call soon" 3 days ago.
And maybe that's not long enough? But for me it feels like torture.

If I had gotten pregnant by someone who LOVED me, I'd have someone saying they'd help me right now, instead of me being left alone, unknowing, and suffering.

Maybe he does have another kid. Maybe he does have Zoey too. And he just now got his life together. I don't care.

I can't take it back. I can't go back and erase my bad decision.
Unless I believed in abortion.
Which I don't.

I'm ready to move forward and give my child love and acceptance and to teach them to love and accept others too.

Eric can be there for the ride or not.

I'll send him some tickets to the show.
It's up to him to show up.




I'll rant somemore about details later, I'm sure.
But for now...work! *sigh*

Court