Stop Being Nice Unless You're Going To Kiss Me

The holidays are over!

What did I do?

I spent a lot of time with Blake. Which is weird, right?
I thought maybe he liked me but the last couple of days, he's been acting strange towards me. So, I guess not.

The day before Christmas, we hung out.
On Christmas Eve, we went to get his CSS (or is it CCS??) Skater shit from UPS. He got his hand caught in the door and we ate at Red Lobster (mmmmm).
Then on Christmas, we hung out again with Jocelyn.
He wanted to go to Hollister the next day, so we went.
He texts me almost every day. Usually in the mornings.  

I mean....we've spent a lot of fuckin time together...he's told me a bunch of random stuff....like....I don't know if he likes me. But if phrases like:

"I'm done with hoes. I want a relationship that means something that isn't based just on sex. I think my last relationship was based on orgasms."

"I'm changing. I'm starting to think. Some of the stuff I've done is stupid..."

"I kinda want a girlfriend..."

"Look, I care about your opinions and thoughts."

....all those phrases mean something, right? In my direction? Or am I just being dumb?


I'm probably just being dumb.
Grr.


Yeah.
Dumb.



ON ANOTHER NOTE:
I have bronchitis. :( <----sad face
I can't keep from coughing, my face is breaking out, I've thrown up a gazillion times, work sucks and I can't smoke for 2 weeks.

Suckage.

There's A Lot of Things I Want, But All I'm Getting Is Old...

Holidays and parties and fun and losing weight...
"Wait...what? Did she just say 'losing weight'?"
Why yes, yes I did.
It's a tradition now, apparently. I can only lose weight during the holidays when I eat the most. Bullshit, right?


I went to my Dixie Cafe Christmas party last night. It was pretty much bogus.
Blake said he wasn't gonna show up, but he did.
He offered to let me come over and smoke with him before the party, which was very nice.
He's been being very nice to me lately.
He even told me that he's doing it on purpose.
Ha. So I'm not sure what to do with him because he says a lot of stuff, but I can't tell if he likes me or if I'm just overanalyzing everything out of porportion.

We went to Kristyn's afterwards though for a party and it was fun. Blake drank too much and started throwing up towards the end though, and I had to take him home. He's been texting me all day today about it.

God, I really like him.

What a pedophile, I am.

Oh well...it's not like I don't break the law everyday anyway....




P.S.
I got my ass groped by a 50 year old woman last night.
And by gosh damn...she did a better job than most men.
Weird or pathetic (on behalf of the men, at least)?


Yeah...weird.

I'm Letting Go Of My Anchors So That I Can Sail...

My head is alive.
For once.

I don't feel as depressed as I used to. Things are looking up.

For starters, I told Eric to fuck off basically.

Hold the applause.

I asked to come over and he asked if I had weed. Of course, when I said not enough, he decided I wasn't ENOUGH either. So I said, "I have to say this. I don't care if it's impulsive or if you decide to respond or not, but you treat me like shit. And maybe I allowed most of it. But it still sucks."
Guess what?
No reply.
That's how insecure assholes act when they get text messages that call them out on their bullshit.
He uses me.
And I'm better than that.
I deserve to be happy.
And even if he did decide to love me for everything I am; I would never trust him.

I think hanging out with Blake made me do it. Being with Blake shows me that I can be around a guy, be myself and have someone genuinely like me for me and my ideas.
Not for my boobs.

I needed to grow up and learn to let things go.

And yeah, the first few days sucked. Even now, I wanna grab my phone and see how Eric is doing. But another BIG part of me feels liberated that I stood up for myself and I'm pretty confident I can hold out on messaging him. If he wants me; he's got my number. I shouldn't have to chase a 28 year old man. He should realize how lucky he is to have me, and chase me.

But he won't catch me.
So.
Fuck him.

Blake and I aren't together. Maybe never will be. But he is not moving to Florida.
We're getting better at being friends and even though he's still flirting (playing his guitar for me, making lewd comments, trying to buy me food), I feel at peace around him.
I think I'm falling in love.
And this time I know it's real because it's slow and it feels good.
I feel happy. Alive. Content. Satisfied.
But at the same time I feel excited, frustrated and overly dramatic about it. Ha.
He makes me feel like I'm 16 again and no one tried to take advantage of me.

I just needed to realize that not all guys are using you.
Not all guys will kick you out of their house after they got what they wanted.
Some guys just like being around you because they like you for you.
And some guys will pay for their own food and weed instead of making you spend YOUR hard earned money on it.
Not all guys want to get you naked.
Hrm.....Well maybe they do. BUT...not all guys will lie to you and pretend to be another person JUST to sleep with you.
If you respect yourself, others with respect you too. And that's what I needed to do. Because I was NOT respecting myself at all.  I was throwing myself at whatever would take me because I didn't wanna feel alone.

And I've learned that you DO have to love yourself before others.
To be more specific, you've got to be able to see your faults, failures, highs and accomplishments, face them, accept them and still love yourself for everything you are and have done.
Because if you can't deal with who you are, then who you're presenting to others is a lie. It's fake. It's who you THINK you are and not who you REALLY are.

So guess what?
I get addicted to things easily. Like love. Weed. And mexican food.
I'm a bitch.
I like to start arguments just because I hate the silent sound of boredom.
I leave my clothes on the floor for months because I'm too lazy to put them on a hanger.
I'm a hypocrite sometimes and I cuss like a sailor.
And on the upside, I'm a good-hearted person.
I'm loyal and trustworthy.
I'm honest, even if it's brutal.
I have a super creative mind and a beautiful voice.

It's all me. And it's all good.
One day, I hope someone will seek this out and appreciate it.
And when they decide to; I'll be ready.
With guns a blazin'. ;P


So have a great week, readers. You deserve it.