I Don't Want Pity, I Just Want What Is Mine

I'm horrible at keeping up blogs.

Damn.

What's new?

Well, I got Eric to talk to me.
I don't know what got him to do it, but he agreed to meet me in person to talk stuff through. I thought, "Hey, this is a positive move". But then later, when he finally agreed to set up a time to meet to have our adult closure talk, he asked me to get him free weed.

What?

So. You wanna knock me up, right?
Then not take care of your child, right?
And then ask me for an abortion, right?
Then be a dick...and then you want me to bring you free weed....to talk to me....about YOUR kid...that you don't want....and you want me to come there to YOUR house...and waste MY gas money...and you wanna do it after 12 am, when our "usual" fuck sessions usually went down?
Right?
Rightttt?!!
Am I leaving anything out?

Fuck.

His highlight text messages:

"Yeah i was gonna talk to ya about that. Didn't care for the wording, the truth will come out?? I've been telling you truth since june i dunno how me being in person would change that. And i was fine with fucking being the way we left off. that was the majority of our relationship afterall. Seemed befitting. Most people would be happy to end on that"

"Not just sex, or i would've said it was the entirety of our relationship. majority yes. just saying it's a fine way of ending things in general. nah we can still talk, the truth wording had me thrown off for the most part."

"Well as much as i wanna go into this sober, i don't. So once some smoke comes this way we'll make a date. Cool? Cool."

"Well if you think you can get some smoke, ,we can do this rather soon. Tonight or tomorrow better for ya?" (meaning free weed. that he won't pay for.)

"Haha. I said forget about the weed girl. We'll still get the talking done, and as much as i'd love for you to bring me weed everytime we talk (we'd probably talk a lot more haha) the last thing i need is for you to say i owe you something else. So it's cool."

"Psh, i gave you the gift of life. Weed should be a given. And you used to do it every now and then & now you're against it? seems backwards."

"Well we could fuck if that could help give you some sort of reasoning as to why you're giving me the weed haha but the fact is i'm not even 100% sure I'm leaving yet so i doubt it'd be the last time i see ya but stranger things have happened."




What. A. Piece. Of. Shit.

Seriously.

"We could fuck." <---- First of all, no. No we could NOT fuck ever again. Unless, A.) You grow the fuck up and decide to be a dad and get your shit together, and/or B.) You grow the fuck up and step up and sex would mean something to you other than just sex. Which it won't. So no. And the audacity of him to even suggest it, is crazy to me. I'm 7 months pregnant with your child that you're not going to take responsibility for. Stupid asshole.

"I'm not even 100% sure I'm leaving yet." <----So I ask you for a closure talk about why you're not going to step up, and you're so desperate for weed that you come clean with the fact that you're not even really serious about leaving? Or else you're so desperate for weed that you'd LIE to make me think you'll stick around longer. OR you lied the whole time and never were leaving at all. All options are horrible.
And really, if you're not leaving, good; I can get child support faster knowing where you are.

"I gave you the gift of life." <----I'm glad that he finds it amusing to the point where he's not taking it seriously at all. He doesn't have to live with being pregnant and raising a daughter.

"i doubt it'd be the last time I see ya" <----So, either you really want weed, or you planned on keeping up communication with me the whole time. I'm all for him changing his mind about being a dad....but I feel like he's trying to play games with me for free bud. Which is not cool.

And that whole first message was just fucked up all together. I'm not fine with sex being the way we left off. I'm going to have a daughter with his features and his attitude and his genetics. Why would I NOT want closure from him as to why he isn't going to be around for her? That's all I want. And now it looks like I'm going to have to buy his time with weed to get that closure. I don't want to, but I've told him three days in a row no, but he keeps asking. So it's like he's saying, "Bitch, free weed and a talk or no talk at all."

I'm desperate to go there and talk.
Why? I'm not sure.
Part of me hopes he changes his mind and steps up.
But I feel like even if he said he would; it'd be a lie at this point. I can't trust him.

And if he doesn't decide to step up; I really want him to look me in the eye and say so. I want him to see me pregnant, and be able to deny his daughter. I want to know why or even how he could do it.

I want to tell him to fuck off and die too.

This sucks.

He's crazy.





I need sleep.

Love Is A Country That Won't Be Overcome

I'm trying to be a good girl and not smoke.
I really am.
It's just hard whenever all your friends do it, everyone at your work does it and then you have your friends saying, "Hey, come over and do it."
I just wanna crawl in a hole and hibernate for the next 3 months.
I used to feel pride in it.
I used to like the feeling of being the girl with the best bud in town.
But it's like...when the bud runs out then so do your buds.
And I feel scared to say that I don't know who I am whenever I'm not smoking.
That's been my identity for the last few years. That's all I've discussed with other people. It's been my excuse to hang out with friends.
It's hardest at night whenever I'm alone and I know I can smoke and I know I shouldn't. It got to the point where I dumped my shit weed down the toliet so that I wouldn't be tempted to smoke it last night.
I feel proud that I got rid of it before I smoked it.
But today....all I keep thinking is how much I shouldn't smoke it while my friends are all, "We'll come over tonight and smoke you out for once last time."
I had a last time, twice before, these last couple of nights.
Would this last time be the last time or will it just be another "last time" on a list of them?
I feel like it does take "one day at a time" to overcome this feeling.
But it's hard to do on a Scarlett O'Hara "tomorrow is another day" mentality.

Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am

I can feel my baby moving.

It's weird.

It makes me wanna pee too.

Names in the running for this little girl?

Delilah
Maisy
Isla
Lynnon
Edie
Olive


I haven't decided yet.

It may be neither.

But whatever.

Wow, my baby is kicking. Surely she must feel mama's wrath of Romney supporters.





****Added at later date*****
By the way, I found out that Eric's first baby mama, Jessica, died June 6th of this year. Maybe a week after I told him I was pregnant. So. That may explain his stance. Maybe. More on that later....

"There were soo many grammatical errors in that fuckin sentence..."

I came here thinking I'd know what I'd say.

                                         I left without saying a word.

I thought we understood?


You pushed me away every chance you had.

                           I grabbed you harder every time.

                                   Your kisses were lies I'd lay down for.

                         And you stole the words from my mind.

           Smoke you out, smoke me out.

          We tried to smoke the world out.

But the sun broke through.

I thought we understood?


Sorry, I can't love you.

                                                       I don't even love me.

You touch me without promise.

You forget me like I was always gone.

                                         This is just a phase.

I thought you understood?

So I Started Smoking, Thought The Signals Would Scare Your Walls Away

Yesterday...er...well...technically two days ago now, my cousin, Kim, had her wedding.
Dum Dum dumdummm...
Dumb.

My favorite part was when my brother whispered, "Always the bridesmaid and never the bride, eh?"
But hey, everyone said I was prettier than anyone else in the bridal party. I ain't bragging though because my competition wasn't much.

Her wedding was Asian themed. Just like everything else in her life.
In almost all of her wedding photos she's doing the, "I hate this shit" face.
So.
I'm guessing she hated it.
But she's a Tritch now instead of a Keeling.
We're all growing up.

Sigh.

I think I'll teach my kid to savor being a kid because after high school, I swear it's the peak of the mountain and then you come back down to earth. Until you're eventually on the ground that they'll bury you in.

Cynical? Eh, who gives a fuck?

Ole Jinger said Eric was trying to fuck her lately.
It's hard for me to think Eric is really being this big of an asshole.
I always knew he was one...but this is ridiculous. It's like he has no soul.

Maybe he doesn't?

I wish I could give up on it, but for my kid's sake, I'm not going to. I'll get child support because he WILL take responsibility one way or another. So, treat me bad, buddy, because your day will come. That karma you like to talk about is about to bite you in the ass.

I just want peace.

And a good lay.
Which is what got me in this position...but hey...I can't get pregnant twice.

And this Trevor kid has been looking pretty cute lately. So we'll see where that goes.
But I'm really just not into dating seriously or thinking of a guy seriously at all for a while.
I need some time to myself. And for this kid that I'm in no way prepared for.

Some days I feel like I wish I had never got pregnant. Some days I come to terms with it and a smile appears on my face. Some days I feel stressed because of the financial situation I'm in. Some days I feel so blissful, I can barely keep a tear from happening.

I wish I could just keep the thoughts at bay and stay consistently happy.
Maybe when the baby comes, the thoughts will clear and I'll be able to think nothing but how happy I am to be a mother.

I wanted to be a young mom anyway.

I just wish I had some support.
And a hand to hold through it.

It sucks being alone all the time. And though I keep my walls up, and I look like I'm joking about my situation; it's just a front so that I don't have a mental breakdown.

Because it sucks feeling like someone cared about you and now doesn't.
It sucks knowing you were just solely used and someone care soooo little for you that even when you're carrying half of their DNA inside of you, they still ignore you. But they have time to text skanks and ask them to come over. His life is going on and he's not ever thinking about it, but everyday I'm stuck feeling restless but too fatigued to move. I'm the one suffering. And some days, I can't take it. I just wanna crawl into a hole and die. Because life is so hard. I try to be brave and pretend that I can conquer everything, but lately, I'm too fragile to try. I feel like I've lost a battle. I feel like I'm stuck in life with no way out. And my kid's going to suffer from my mistakes because his/her father is someone that I chose to sleep with. It's my fault that they're stuck with a piece of shit guy in their life who's never going to be there.

Maybe it'll get better though.

Maybe it's the hormones talking.

Hopefully.

Court

Run Your Mouth, I Bet I Can Catch It

New sheets.
Hair up.
Pants off.
Make-up off.
Freedom at it's best.

Lately, I've come to see the beauty within myself. I put on a new dress and I think, "wow". Someone comments on my beauty and I don't shrug it off. Instead, I embrace it. Why? Because I feel it.

And it's odd for someone like me, who's struggled most of her childhood/adult life wondering about their body image, to really fully appreciate my looks.

I enjoy my curves.
And although, I would like to be 30 lbs smaller; I know that I'm pregnant and it's just gonna be gaining from this point.
However, I'm confident now that I'll be able to lose the weight afterwards.

Even though I'm pregnant, I've been able to maintain my current weight loss without adding or subtracting any poundage.

But regardless of my "weight", I'm beginning to see the features of my face that are artistic in their own right.

And it makes me feel good to smile.
And I'm sure I look more confident to others.

On another note...that isn't so narcissitic....

Last night, Jocelyn, Adam, Trevor, some Austin kid and Katelyn went over to the "other Courtney's" place to have a "party".
Before we even got there, we knew Courtney Rogers was gonna puke. It is, afterall, in her reputation.
And after a quick game of Circle of Death and a longer, more alcohol-involved game of Connections, well....."there she blows!".

I held her hair back and guarded her door from Trevor so that he wouldn't try to fuck her because he was really drunk too. And also because I was partly jealous because for weeks, I've been going to parties thinking about making out with said Trevor.
He's pretty cute.
And here we go again.
Just when I think I'm good with myself, I get a crush.
Everytime.
Without fail.

This guy is pretty cute though. And whenever he sees me, he smirks. I don't know if he's a man-whore and would do anything, but who knows?
I overheard him tell Austin he wouldn't try to fuck Rogers but if he was going to try to get with anyone, it'd be me. And whenever asked about making-out, he said, "We're not thinking about that right now". Right now. Ha.

However, we departed early and I didn't make a move because he was waaaay too fucked up and drooling as drunk guys do.
He was all, "I don't need a girlfriend anyways. Do I, Courtney?? *hits my knee*" and when I was climbing out of the truck to leave he was all, "I love you, Courtney". Haha.
He came up to work today.
Why?
I dunno.
But whenever he saw me, he smirked and then later made it a point to ask me about whether I enjoyed myself last night.
Oh, and he has my number now.

So.
Who knows?

Baby comes first.
But if I can get some action in the process, then woohoo for me.

And then for a final point, Blake actually talks to me now and texts me.
So I guess he built a bridge and got over himself.
Which is good.
Because I missed him.

His girlfriend can fuck the hell off though.
She's mean as fuck.
"Don't tell me a secret. If I don't like someone, I tell everyone all their secrets. I once had a gossip buddy and she didn't like this girl that was in one of my other classes. So I'd sit next to that other girl and listen to her talk and find out stuff about her, and then I'd go to my friend and tell her everything she said and we'd laugh. We both didn't like her."
That's what she said.

Bitch, huh?

And at work, I'm just done working hosting shifts with her. She doesn't know how to sit people, first of all. This week I found out, that when I don't help her with the seating chart, she double/triple seats waiters. Which is horrible. And we had three hosts this week. One was supposed to sit tables, one was to just clean tables and the other was supposed to help do both. Well Crystal was sitting tables and I told her that when Shania go there (20 minutes late too, by the way) that she would make-up some bullshit excuse as to why she couldn't clean tables.
This week's excuse?
A blister on her foot.
Are you kidding me???!!!
I'm fucking pregnant, and throwing up at work a lot and I still clean tables.
Stupid.
But, not only did she not seat people correctly or bus tables, she didn't do anything else. She stood up there reading lost and found children's books left by customers with her boyfriend, Blake or texting on her phone. To who, I'm not sure, because she doesn't have any friends.
Then she had the audacity to get mad whenever Crystal and I got to go home first.
Lazy ass worker.
And she'll get away with it because the manager is her older sister.
And Blake will get away with whatever too because he's fucking the manager's sister.
It's a lame-ass story, I tell you.
And I'm about fed up with it.

But anyways.
I think I'm done ranting for this week.

It's a lot.
But I had to make up for all the lost weeks and lacking blogs that I've posted lately.

You're welcome.

Court

Do You Not Think Too Far Ahead?

Just checkin in.
There's a lot on my mind.
Not quite sure to get it all out though.

First of all, Eric has disappeared.
Go figure.
He won't respond to any messages and I haven't heard from him in a while.

Oh well..

Baby update news?
Okay.
I'm 11 weeks and 5 days. My baby is a peanut size. And I need some iron in my system so I don't die or some shit.

I'm looking forward to being a mom. Been thinking about a change in occupation though. Maybe a PTA? Something that is fast to get schooled for and can make me a decent paycheck. My baby is gonna be looking fly in school. Mkay? Mkay.

I've been craving lemons. Mmm.

I also found out that someone at work, who is supposed to be my friend, has talked a bunch of shit behind my back. And I know she has because she does it to everyone else at work too. Great person, huh?

Well.
I'm bored of this.

Court