It'll End Before It Begins

I always try to start a blog/journal/something, and then I get sidetracked and fail. I can't tell if it's because I spend too much time being distracted by the tv or if it's because my life is boring and there's nothing really to discuss.

I'll try it though.
worth a shot, at least.

What to write about?

Hmm...

Well. I'll spill my thoughts on an important matter.
Not the Mississippi levees, Osama's recent assasination or the end in 2012.
But a man.
A man not worth my time.

I spend every night trying to drown out thoughts of kissing him while blasting Angus and Julia Stone in my ear. I'm hoping the lulling music will help me fall asleep, but right when I'm about to sleep; a lyric reminds me of him. And it's stupid really. To obsess. To wake every morning (or afternoon in my case) hoping that the text message that popped up on your screen is from him and not just your ex-boyfriend wanting to tell you how much he STILL loves you. And it's not him. Ever. It's always the ex. Always the lingering man who you never really want. Who you really never wanted to begin with. Because the whole time you were trying to convince yourself that you could make a relationship work with your now-ex...you kept daydreaming of the one you really wanted to love. And now he's there. And there's no barrier.

Except for the fact that you can never say how you feel.
You can never roll over in the middle of the night, grab his face in your hands, kiss him harder and longer than you've only ever imagined and say, "I can't escape you. You're with me all the time. And I want to be with only you."

You can't.
Because he deems himself unworthy of love.
He warns you against it.
He seeks out other girl's embraces.
He turns away before you can grasp him.

And so I'm stuck. I'm stuck waiting for him to...

...well. I'm not sure. Change his mind and want a relationship? Have him confess he loves me?

Because there's a part of me that'd love him to love me and to admit that said love. And then there's a part of me that wants him to never say he loves me and to keep kissing me like I'm just a fleeting moment. The worst way to ruin a relationship is to try to start one. Maybe I should just grow stronger and wait for our feelings to grow stronger.

Or for them to fade.

But whatever I do; I know it's going to kill me to wait. Because every moment that I'm not with him; I'm wondering if he's thinking of me.

Right now, I'd bet he's not.
He's thinking of getting Rachel Bilson naked while smoking out of his bong.
And I guess that's okay.

For now.