Well He Loves To Keep You In Suspense

I can finally sleep a little now.
After about 2 hours of staying up replaying words and moments over and over again.

Okay.

So, maybe more like...5 hours.
But whatever.

I'm getting to bed at least. And that's all that counts.

On other subjects...
My ex.

I always wondered when that "click" would happen where I wouldn't wanna talk to him ever again and not feel guilty about it.
I think it happened finally.
I thought I could do the friends thing. But it's hard to be friends when he's grabbing your ass in public and telling you he loves you every time he gets out of your car.
Not that he turns me on or anything...because he doesn't.
There's nothing more unattractive than a cubby, almost bald guy in a ninja turtles shirt.
Raphael and Michaelangelo deserve better.
And I don't know when he became so unattractive to me.
When we first started dating; he wasn't that cubby. And he was cute...ish.
I guess all that cooking I did for him did him in.
Oh well.
Let the next bitch have fun with that.

I wish I could say I don't care completely about what he does or says. But that'd be a lie.
We spent a year together and it's hard to just throw away a person after all those talks and secrets.
All I know is that I NEVER wanna kiss him again. I NEVER wanna have sex with him again.
And that pretty much means that I'm not in love with him.
I'm not sure I ever was though.
Sad, but true.

Now, all I have to do is wait for the "click" to go down when it comes to a certain someone else.

Because I'm pretty much torturing myself. Staying quiet. Hoping that he may develop feelings. Basically knowing he won't.

Love is hard on a person.
I hate love.
Who needs it?

...well....me.

I Must Be Drowning Because I Can't Breathe

I wish I could sleep. I wish I could find sanity. I wish I could wish for normal things.

It'd be way easier to be wanting a man who didn't talk to many girls.
Seeing his comments on their pages on Facebook/Myspace.
Wondering if they're ex's, friends or current lovers.

It'd be way easier to be wanting a man who didn't make music.
Music that I could easily click on and hear his voice.
Over and over again.

It'd be way easier to love a man who would love you back.
And wouldn't push you away because of fear of commitments.
Who could say it was okay if you had feelings for him.

It'd be way easier to love a man who answered your messages.
Instead of denying you answers until he wants you in his bed.
Or until he runs out of weed.

It'd be way easier to love a man who had his shit together.
But then again.
He wouldn't be the same man.
And maybe I wouldn't love him as much.

Something With You In Mind

I will love you.
Even when your back is turned stiff,
Your arms crossed defensively.
Trying to shut away the world.
I will stand by our love.
Even if no one believes us.
Everyone bets for it to crash.
I'll be your insurance.
When I saw you,
The bad inside me disappeared.
I smiled without self-conciousness.
I loved without doubt.
And I'll hold you up when you can't bear to hold me.
Because I can't stand without you.

It'll End Before It Begins

I always try to start a blog/journal/something, and then I get sidetracked and fail. I can't tell if it's because I spend too much time being distracted by the tv or if it's because my life is boring and there's nothing really to discuss.

I'll try it though.
worth a shot, at least.

What to write about?

Hmm...

Well. I'll spill my thoughts on an important matter.
Not the Mississippi levees, Osama's recent assasination or the end in 2012.
But a man.
A man not worth my time.

I spend every night trying to drown out thoughts of kissing him while blasting Angus and Julia Stone in my ear. I'm hoping the lulling music will help me fall asleep, but right when I'm about to sleep; a lyric reminds me of him. And it's stupid really. To obsess. To wake every morning (or afternoon in my case) hoping that the text message that popped up on your screen is from him and not just your ex-boyfriend wanting to tell you how much he STILL loves you. And it's not him. Ever. It's always the ex. Always the lingering man who you never really want. Who you really never wanted to begin with. Because the whole time you were trying to convince yourself that you could make a relationship work with your now-ex...you kept daydreaming of the one you really wanted to love. And now he's there. And there's no barrier.

Except for the fact that you can never say how you feel.
You can never roll over in the middle of the night, grab his face in your hands, kiss him harder and longer than you've only ever imagined and say, "I can't escape you. You're with me all the time. And I want to be with only you."

You can't.
Because he deems himself unworthy of love.
He warns you against it.
He seeks out other girl's embraces.
He turns away before you can grasp him.

And so I'm stuck. I'm stuck waiting for him to...

...well. I'm not sure. Change his mind and want a relationship? Have him confess he loves me?

Because there's a part of me that'd love him to love me and to admit that said love. And then there's a part of me that wants him to never say he loves me and to keep kissing me like I'm just a fleeting moment. The worst way to ruin a relationship is to try to start one. Maybe I should just grow stronger and wait for our feelings to grow stronger.

Or for them to fade.

But whatever I do; I know it's going to kill me to wait. Because every moment that I'm not with him; I'm wondering if he's thinking of me.

Right now, I'd bet he's not.
He's thinking of getting Rachel Bilson naked while smoking out of his bong.
And I guess that's okay.

For now.